An Introvert's Guide to Staying Afloat: Navigating Micro-Aggressions

Do your friends always have to coax you out like you're some sort of adorable yet shy woodland creature??

Are you someone who prefers the cozy embrace of your own thoughts over the clamor of the outside world??

Does it seem like society is constantly poking at you as if your quiet nature makes you an exotic species??

If you enjoy introspection, reflection, and tranquil contemplation, you're probably an introvert. Welcome to our not-so-little circle!

Introverts are often misunderstood. When I was in school, my quietness was mistaken for unfriendliness. At university, it was mistaken for arrogance. At work, it was mistaken for aloofness. In my personal life, it was mistaken for shyness. It left me feeling excluded and isolated. Having done a tremendous amount of inner work to heal my sense of self-worth, I’m now in radical acceptance of my introversion.?In this article, I explain how I navigate micro-aggressions.

What are micro-aggressions?

Think of micro-aggressions as the emotional equivalent of stepping on a LEGO brick in the dark. It’s a small, seemingly insignificant thing, but unexpectedly painful when you least expect it. Much like LEGO bricks, they can be scattered everywhere, turning an innocent walk across the room into a treacherous journey. You can tune out individual micro-aggressions but if you are receiving them relentlessly, they can add up and erode your self-esteem.?

What’s the difference between introversion and extroversion?

Susan Cain, author of the best-selling book "Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking," said "Introverts are drawn to the inner world of thought and feeling, extroverts to the external life of people and activities. Introverts focus on the meaning they make of the events swirling around them; extroverts plunge into the events themselves."?

Drawing from my lived experience, I’ve compiled ten comments I frequently hear and how to respond to them.?

1) "You're too quiet"

I would never tell an extrovert they're too loud, would you? Being quiet doesn't mean we're passive or uninterested; it's just our natural state. Most introverts I know are fantastic listeners, and we're great at noticing subtle details and picking up on patterns. Active listening is an essential skill for emotional intelligence.

Being comfortable with silence is underrated.?

How I respond: "I'm just listening and observing at the moment, but I'll gladly join the conversation when I have something meaningful to share."

2)“Why are you so shy?”

Shyness and introversion are different things. Shyness is a feeling of apprehension or discomfort in social situations. It stems from a fear of negative judgment by others. It is a social anxiety that may cause someone to avoid interactions, even when they may want to engage with others.?

On the other hand, introversion represents a natural preference for solitude or engaging in activities with a small number of people, driven by the way introverts recharge their energy. Unlike shyness, introversion is not fueled by anxiety or fear. It is an inherent aspect of one's personality that dictates how one responds to social stimuli.?

Acknowledging the differences between shyness and introversion allows for a more nuanced understanding of individual preferences, ensuring that each person's unique needs are respected and met. I’ve largely healed my shyness, however, I’m still and always will be introverted.

How I respond: "I appreciate your concern. As an introvert, I feel more comfortable and energized in smaller, more intimate settings. I'm not necessarily afraid of social interactions, but I prefer to engage with people in a more personal and meaningful way."

3)"Why don't you ever want to go out?"

Over the years, I've become more social as I've worked through social anxiety. Going out often depends on our energy levels rather than willingness. Socializing takes a lot of energy, and introverts can get drained in social settings. We might prefer low-key activities or time alone, but that doesn't mean we're antisocial.?

How I respond: "I enjoy spending time with friends, but I also need time to recharge on my own. It's just part of who I am."

4)"You need to come out of your shell/comfort zone"

This statement implies there's something wrong with being introverted and that we need to be fixed. I moved countries thrice, completely by myself with no support system. I’ve spoken on stages, big and small. I’ve organized and participated in numerous events. I've been a guest on panels and podcasts discussing controversial topics. I run workshops that dig deep. I jumped into unlikely and challenging hobbies and projects. I volunteer with organizations that champion causes I care about where I've needed to have tough conversations. It’s fair to say, I never stay in a comfort zone for long.?

How I respond: "I'm not in a shell; I'm just being myself. I'm comfortable with who I am and don't feel the need to change."

4)"You're being selfish"

We might turn down social invitations or avoid large gatherings because they're draining, but that doesn't mean we're selfish. It's about self-care.?

How I respond: "I need to take care of myself and respect my own boundaries. I’ll catch up with you at a later date."

5)"You're not assertive enough"

A manager once told me this when he noticed I was being interrupted and talked over. Those who talked over me, however, were not admonished for being rude.?While introverts can be great listeners and collaborators, we might not be as comfortable with being forceful or interrupting others.

How I respond: "I prefer to work collaboratively and listen to others' perspectives. I'm also capable of expressing myself when necessary."

6)"You're not a team player"

This can be a concern in group settings where everyone is expected to participate in the same way.?

How I respond: "I'm happy to contribute in my own way and support the team, but I also need to take breaks and recharge on my own. I can also support and be a mentor to the team in smaller group settings."

7)"You're too sensitive"

I hear this so often it could be an article of its own. Introverts might be more in tune with their own feelings and the feelings of others. As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I reframe it as empathy rather than over-sensitivity.?

How I respond: "I value emotional intelligence and empathy, and I think it's important to be aware of our own feelings and those of others."

8)"You're not living life to the fullest"

Some people equate introversion with missing out. Introverts can have rich inner lives and meaningful connections with others. Some of my friends love going to loud, crowded music festivals. While I understand the appeal of that kind of event, I politely decline to join them. I tell them, I’d love to catch up over a coconut at the beach or for juice at the small quiet neighborhood café (I'm privileged enough to live in Bali).

How I respond: "I support you in seeking experiences that resonate with you. I have my own idea of what a fulfilling experience is."

9)"No one will take you seriously if you don’t speak out more"

While it's true that I've needed to push myself to speak up and participate more, that was more about healing my self-worth than introversion. As Susan Cain (who literally wrote the book on introversion) said,

"There's zero correlation between being the best talker and having the best ideas."

How I respond: "I am outspoken when I want to be. My ideas are valid and important. Those who don’t take me seriously are not meant to be part of my journey."

10)"You're so boring"

This hurtful stereotype assumes introverts don't have interesting lives or personalities. But hey, not to brag, I'm quite an interesting person with a variety of interests and hobbies.?

How I respond: "I may not be the life of the party, but I have my own interests and passions that are important to me."

So fellow quiet folks, we've explored the treacherous waters of micro-aggressions. I hope these savvy responses can help you stay afloat, in a world that sometimes struggles to appreciate our quiet charm. I love my extroverted friends. They dazzle me with their seemingly endless supply of energy. Introverts bring introspection, listening skills, and deep connections to the table.

The world needs both introverts and extroverts to thrive, so let's celebrate our unique qualities and uplift each other.?

Paloma W.

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