Introvert: By Design or Default

When I was younger, I was sometimes seen as shy because I kept to myself and often did not engage in "typical" social activities. I often felt like it wasn't because I did not want to, but for some reason I simply did not feel comfortable or motivated to participate in whatever everyone else was doing. Years later I learned about extroverts and introverts. I immediately knew that I was not an extrovert (much to the disbelief of many of my close friends); however, was I truly an introvert and how did I end up this way. Was it by design or by default?

Recently I was joking with some colleagues about how when I was younger, I did not have the easiest time making "friends". I put that in quotations, because I feel that friend is a relative term to identify people who I wanted to share my time with and I found myself not wanting to share my time with many of the people I encountered. I remember being a fairly short, semi round kid in kindergarten, who was even back then called out for my size. You're cute, but you're fat is what I recall one girl saying to me when I simply said hi. Needless to say, I did not like the way that made me feel and chose to retreat into myself and my close circle of friends.

Over time, I feel as if I developed the ability to walk more proudly and not really care what people thought about how I looked or what I said. I served in the army, traveled the world, returned to college, and began living my life, so to speak. Through my personal, educational, and professional journeys, I feel like I have found my voice and am much more comfortable in who I am and what I bring. I am an African American male, son, father, brother, uncle, friend, educator, coach, bridge-builder, mentor, leader...

I woke up this morning and as the sunlight lit up the sky, I thought it would be a great day to go for a walk before being tied to my computer for hours of Zoom and emails. I grabbed my sweatshirt, water bottle, face mask, and headed towards the door. I paused. On my phone, I saw a news update from Minneapolis. Shook my head. I saw a follow-up article on the birdwatcher in Central Park, I saw another article about the jogger in Georgia, I saw another article, and another article, and another article... and now I'm sitting at my desk writing an article instead of being outside in the beautiful morning air out of some concern that I could be seen negatively or called out for my size (and mask).

People are sometimes quiet not because they have nothing to say, but because they are unheard or negatively judged if their words don't fit the script. The same applies to actions where the self-talk centers around, am I safe to walk in that neighborhood, would I fit in at that school, would they hire or listen to someone who talks or looks like me?

Is the perceived introversion by design, by default, or a self-suppressing safety measure for self-preservation?