Introductory Points to Managing Conflict

In both work and home life, conflict in some form is inevitable. Yet a large portion of us simply don’t have a healthy attitude towards it. We don't often realise that conflict can also lead to a greater understanding of people and let's be honest here, through conflict people can share greater clarity on true thoughts. Unfortunately, we can lack the awareness of noticing conflict escalating until it’s quite overt and when it does escalate, we commonly "react not respond". Poor outcomes from conflict can also occur when we lack the tools to de-escalate it and to "influence" our way through to more positive outcomes.

Conflict can occur anytime people don’t agree and that potential “trial of strength” can easily flow onto stress and frustration. Worse still is that if left untreated, it can degenerate further to irrational behaviour and in some cases, it can spiral to aggression and violence.

The complete outcomes of potentially escalating situations are not pre-set and regardless if you’re a leader trying to sort out who will now keep working from home and who needs to come back to the office, or if you are in a healthcare role and you are dealing with a person affected by emotion and alcohol, a good portion of the underpinning response items are the same. At the outset, it's important to know that "You are in charge of how you react, you are in charge of what you bring to the conversation and you are in charge of your initial awareness of any risks".

There is a substantive amount of content I could share here, but let's be honest, it is a Linkedin post and you are probably busy at work reading this so realistically, I only have your attention for a few more paragraphs. Based on that, I'll just provide some initial points that will give you the best chance of a positive outcome.

In your next five-minute time gap, google the Betari Box. (No, for those of you close to my age, this is not the cartridge driven old Asteroids and Pacman console). The Betari Box simply says - My attitude affects my behaviour. My behaviour affects your attitude. Your attitude affects your behaviour. Your behaviour affects my attitude. See the simple cycle here?? Either party in conflict can have an effect on the trajectory of discussions based on their ability to control their attitude.

I know, this seems like another delay but before I start with the pointers, here is a baseline item for you. "You can only control the controllable’s and your emotional response to whatever is said to you is just a thread. It is up to you if you pull it".

Scott's Simple Seven: - First up though - Don't avoid conflict. Understand it is part of everyday life and make the distinction between conflict and how people respond to it.

1. Situational awareness -What is around you. Who else is around you. How are you presenting (are you mindful of personal space etc?)

2. Obtain the other person's name - By nature we look for belongingness so when you hear your name, it acknowledges and validates you and gets your attention. Hearing your own name is one of the most pleasing things for a person to hear so use a person's name when speaking with them through the conversation.

3. Use active listening - Not just hearing or preparing your counter-argument! Some people need to vent first to get to the real issue. Take your defensive ears off dammit! Do I need to revert back to the "two ears and one mouth ratio" generic statement??

4. Slow down - suspend your judgement. Don’t take the bait. Give this your full attention. Even if you don’t agree with them, understand why they feel the way they do.

5. Get them to say “Yes” - It is hard for a person to stay at the same level of "angry" if they are now agreeing with you. How do we do that? Paraphrase portions of their own words back to them, clarify points raised and ask for validation of your understanding of what they have stated.

6. “Hot heads and cold hearts never solved anything” - Bill Graham. Don’t make rash judgements. Be mindful, have compassion and empathy. Empathy is an incredibly important component of resolving conflict.

7. Don’t fall into a habit - Classic sayings “Calm down Colin" or "What do you want me to do about it Wilbur" or "It’s the rules Indianna" or even "You wouldn’t understand Yvonne” *** I did review this and realise Yolanda would have been a better choice based on previous but wanted to be transparent ***

If the person is still angry but rational, also don't forget that you can ask for a cooling-off period then both of you can reset.

I hope this helps and please let me know if you found this of benefit. Stay safe and well!