Introduction

10 years too long is a series of blogs that I started writing at the 10th anniversary of Harry's death. I haven't managed to write for a couple of years as post pandemic life took over, but something about reaching the 15 year milestone has sparked in me the passion to start again. Adding '15 years later' as an extension of the original blog puts into perspective the length of time I've been living in grief. I intend to share my original work paying interest into whether how I felt 10 years ago, reflects how I feel now, with the layer of another 5 years of experience. I can say that my desire to focus in on this project again comes from some deep contemplation in myself during a particularly challenging time, and my hopes are to find the creativity and aspiration needed to write a book about my unending journey. I hope to provide insight and knowledge to those who have a genuine interest and wish to understand those who live in grief.

February 2019 The start of 10 Years Too Long

So here it is, my very first blog post. If you are a people watcher like me and are interested in knowing more about people and their stories, then hopefully you are in the right place. The idea to create a blog to share my own story, only flashed up in my head a little over a week ago at a time that the realisation set in that I would never get around to writing my book. The ‘book’ has been patiently waiting for me, in the form of diary notes I made during the course of the year, 2009. The year my son died. The idea followed a particularly busy and testing week, which is quite often when I get my light bulb moments, it’s just difficult to know whether they’re ‘light bulb’ to other people and so I was nervous to see what response I’d receive. The other potential issue is that I’m not the best at writing on demand, so this idea of mine is still somewhat flawed, though I do always seem to have a lot to say and often nowhere or nobody to say it to. At least typing it out with the intention to share is not quite as daunting as deciding whether or not to verbally share another part of me, at a given time on a given day. It can very much depend on the circumstance and setting as to whether you are likely to be placed in the crippling position of listening to me talk about my child who died or how I’m feeling. Sometimes I feel safe to speak out and then regret it, either because i feel guilty for burdening someone else or annoyed that they don’t understand. It’s not always apparent what effect I’ve had on others who I’ve shared my feelings with, until sometime later when they’re brave enough to tell me they felt awkward or had no idea what to say, or in some cases when an unintentional comment makes me question whether it was safe after all to have shown them my vulnerabilities.

At least this way, I can share and hide and so can you. We don’t need to exchange pleasantries, or emotions, you don’t need to see me cry, or see me hold it together so much that you wonder why I didn’t cry. You won’t need to choose which empathetic response to give, whether to tell me I’m so strong, or that you’d have no idea what to do if you were in the same position as me, or that you don’t know how i do it. And please don’t misunderstand me, I’m not criticising anyone who actually has the guts to talk to me or anyone who I am on this unending journey of child loss with. This is just how it is, for me anyway!

I have learned to talk about Harry and my experience for almost 10 years and it honestly does get easier, however the easier it gets the less prepared I am for those times when it all becomes unbearable again, when you might be the one to ask me if I’m ok and not actually get the robotic response of ‘yeh fine’ or if you’re really lucky, when you ask me nothing at all and are faced with a whole heap of built up emotions. If there’s one thing I’d like this blog to do, it’s to let people like me talk about my son as every mother likes to talk about their child, here or not! And if we’re really lucky we will all learn how to communicate without question, without fear, without regret and without compromise.

April 2024 reflection

Whilst looking back on this blog confirms to me how my perspective has changed, even ever so slightly, over time, I can also absolutely identify those feelings with where I am at this moment. How 5 years on, thoughts can be so paralleled confirms to me, how I will never be free. I can hear injustice, pain and resentment reading it back. and know that it is because I was and still am, somewhat, misunderstood. Grief, is misunderstood.

As I get further away from Harry's death, and closer to a budding network of connections and friendships (many that I certainly did not have 5 years ago) this almost becomes more of a challenge, as I lay before me, my exposed story.

What I hope to work towards is a real understanding, and for the time being I will use my blog to share, which is why I thank you for reading and hope you will continue to do so. Please subscribe to my newsletter to be notified with each new blog release.

Odette x