Introduction to Me

I’m 22 years old. Half year away from completing my Bachelor’s in English Hons from an open university, with exams looming in June. Life, at this point, doesn’t feel like the movie I thought it would be when I was younger. It’s messy, uncertain, and full of struggles that I didn’t anticipate.

I live somewhere in Delhi, an area where the environment isn’t ideal for kids to play in the streets. It wasn’t always like this, though. I remember the days when my school life was more innocent, when things seemed simpler. Now, the streets I walk seem too crowded with noise and distractions, and I find myself constantly feeling out of place. It’s easy to feel disconnected from the world around you when everything feels out of control.

I don’t have a fashion sense. I wear what I find clean and comfortable, no thought about what’s trending or stylish. Clothes, shoes—these things don't matter much to me. I guess I’m not really into superficial things, but there’s still a small voice in my head telling me I should care. Telling me I should look better, dress better. But I can’t shake off the feeling that these things don’t define who I am. I do what I can, but sometimes, it feels like I’m simply going through the motions.

When it comes to habits, I’ve never tried alcohol or smoking, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have my own vices. There are moments—especially when I get excited or overwhelmed—that I find myself making decisions I regret. Sometimes, I do overthink a lot ,Self-doubt and much more. It’s something I don’t often talk about, but it’s part of me—just like everything else.

My parents believe in me and support me. On top of everything, the B.Ed program I don't know whether I want to pursue or not as it costs 55k from open university, and in a regular university, there are entrance exams. I’m not confident enough to clear them, and that uncertainty scares me. The pressure of not wanting to add to my parents’ burden is always there. I keep wondering if I’m making the right choices. I don’t want to disappoint them, but the road ahead is full of questions and doubt.

I’m still figuring out who I am, what I want to do with my life. I’ve worked various jobs in the past two and a half years, from being a telecaller in Karol Bagh to tutoring, then working at kids’ birthday parties. Each job came and went, and I kept wondering if this was the one that would lead me somewhere. But nothing felt fulfilling, and eventually, I’d move on to something else. The uncertainty is exhausting, and the fear of failure is constant. Every decision I make seems to lead to more questions. I don’t feel like I’m getting anywhere.

I have friends, but no one really close. No one who would show up at midnight just to talk, to be there in those moments when I feel the world closing in. There’s a female best friend with whom I’ve reconnected after almost a year of silence. Things are better now, but we’re still trying to find our way back to the place we were before. She knows a lot about me, maybe more than anyone else. Then there’s another girl who sees me as a brother. We share our problems, joke about life, and try to make the best of things.

I’m not really into sports. I’m not sure about my career, either. I want to be a teacher, but the thought of pursuing a B.Ed program feels like a headache. The entrance exams, the uncertainty of whether I’ll finish my degree this year—it all weighs on me. I often question whether I’ll ever make it. The pressure to succeed is overwhelming, but the fear of disappointing my parents holds me back even more. I want to make them proud, but I’m not sure I can.

I’ve lived my life in a way that feels disconnected from my true self sometimes. There are moments when I feel lost, when I question the path I’m on and wonder if there’s more to life than just surviving. And then, in the next moment, I tell myself that everything will be okay. That maybe I’m just overthinking. But am I? Is everything really okay, or am I just avoiding the reality that I’m running from?

I have dreams, like everyone else. But those dreams are often overshadowed by the weight of my doubts, fears, and the constant pressure to measure up to the expectations of the world. Money, success, relationships—sometimes it feels like they’re the only things that matter. Society constantly tells me that if I just had more money, things would be easier, that I could solve everything with financial stability. But deep down, I know there’s more to life than that.

I want to experience real relationships—something beyond the surface level. A physical connection, something more than just a kiss on the cheek, the one time it happened. Coming from Uttarakhand, where the mountains were my first love, it’s hard being away from them. My entire family lives there, all my relatives. I miss the peace of the mountains, the simplicity of life, and the connections I had back home. But here, in Delhi, it feels like I’m caught between two worlds—my past and the uncertain future that awaits.

This chapter is not about success. It’s not about pretending to have everything figured out. It’s about the reality that I’m facing right now. A 22-year-old, still trying to figure it all out, still struggling with doubts and questions, trying to make sense of life, while the world pushes me in different directions. This is me, in the middle of it all, trying to understand who I am before the world does.

... This is me, in the middle of it all, trying to understand who I am before the world does.

As I reflect on this, I leave you with a quote that resonates deeply with me:

“The greatest thing in the world is to know how to belong to oneself.” — Michel de Montaigne

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