An Introduction to Disenfranchised Grief

By our Hospital Counsellor, Katie G.

Disenfranchised Grief as a Veterinary Professional

The human-animal bond has been widely studied and for centuries humans have befriended, domesticated and worked alongside animal companions.

Grief has been studied and categorised into many subgroups. Many of these are talked about in the psychotherapeutic field, each bringing a different set of circumstances, previous experiences and subsequent difficulties.

I’m sure we can all think of patient/s we have treated during our careers that we’ll never forget. We may have grieved those patients after treating them their whole lives, or after a particularly intense condition. On top of losing the patient we cared for, we might then feel a range of extra emotions that are more complicated to process. Guilt that we ‘can’t’ feel grief for patients because they were not our companions is common, and this grief that we can’t quite express to people outside of the experience is termed ‘disenfranchised’.

Disenfranchised grief is literally grief that we are being deprived of processing.

Disenfranchised Grief as a Pet Carer

Pet loss may not be properly understood by wider society; it may be downplayed. Often pet carers will feel this most from employers, sometimes feeling like they cannot be wholly truthful regarding the loss, or not being granted compassionate leave. Some carers report that they hear comments such as ‘just a pet’ about their loved one or maybe even encouraged to ‘replace’ them. These comments can compound the feeling that their grieving is somehow wrong or exaggerated.

If you are one of many people who feel the loss of your furry or feathered companion as strongly as that of another family member, you may feel intense guilt or shame too.?

This is also a part of disenfranchised grief.

Society, friends, family, work, the media… may all be telling you that you ‘should get over it’ or ‘move on’, and this leads to feeling deprived of the ways in which you might otherwise express your grief.

Top Tips for “Grieving Well”

• There is no set way to feel

The most spoken about model of grieving was Kübler-Ross’s ‘5 Stages of Grief’. Whilst the feelings within this model are relevant, and many people experience some if not all of these at some point when going through loss, there is no set order to this, and every emotion you have when grieving is real and valid.?

• Speak to someone you trust?

Because of the difficult nature of pet loss, disenfranchised grief can feel isolating. Having a trusted friend or professional to talk to can really help you through loss.

• Allow yourself to memorialise your pets or hold a funeral

One of the ways we work through grief with humans is to routinely have a funeral of some kind. What you choose to do for your pet is up to you, but it is important not to skip what this represents entirely. Memorialising pets in even a small way can really help us with the grieving process.?

• If you have unanswered medical questions, ask your vet

Unfortunately some of the questions that come up for us in grief are unanswerable, our brains try desperately to fill the unknown gaps and we can be left with a lot of ‘what if’s’? Whilst vets can’t answer everything, there may be something they can answer that helps you with understanding.

• Allow yourself time?

There is no grieving timeline to follow. Time allows us the space to feel more ourselves. This is different for all of us, and will be different for each loss you experience, too.

End of life cares is something we take very seriously at The Ralph, and it means a lot to us that patient care and carer support doesn't stop when they pass away.

For more information, reach out to us at [email protected]. For pet loss support, visit theralphsite.com.