Introducing Jane

Crazy, as Usual is a conversation between two friends. Today I'm introducing Jane. See if there's an aspect of Jane's experience as a mid-level executive that rings with you.

I was killing time before a dinner meeting, but it felt like time was killing me. Alone on a Friday night, plain Jane Smith, I was watching the world go by, wondering if I was the only one feeling fundamentally flawed, maybe even a bit crazy. The iron fence surrounding the coffee shop patio penned me in like a cliché – a woman in an Ann Taylor suit accessorized with the only pair of Manolo Blahnik shoes I own (thanks to my big sister), alone with my thoughts, a planning journal and a cup of plain black coffee.

The sidewalk café was on a bustling uptown tree-lined street. Every bike that passed, every man and woman walking a dog, every giggling group of teenagers taunted me as if to snicker, “I’m living a happy life and you’re working at 5 o’clock on a Friday. You won’t be home until after 9. Your kids hardly remember what you look like.” I’m ungrounded, wishing I could kick off my stilettos and wiggle my toes in the grass, but my so-called better judgment prevailed. To the average human on the street, I’m a fashionable professional woman enjoying a coffee break, but I’m really standing on a precipice looking over the edge into an indescribable abyss.

?I had never felt more alone. Crazy, right? I have a family. I have a well-paying job. I have lots of friends, but sitting alone drinking coffee on a Friday afternoon, all I can think about is the dread of meeting my boss for a new business pitch tonight, feeling more insecure than ever. She's so articulate and beautiful, I feel like a pig farmer in her presence…nothing against pigs or farmers. Last time we sat with a group of CEOs I nearly cried trying to follow the conversation because I was lost, truly looking up words on the Internet, thinking, “How did I get here? If I'm truly an idiot, how did I fool everyone until now? If I'm not an idiot, why do I feel so afraid?”

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