Introducing The Baseball Gods: Part 2 - Foul Ball

Larry is a Baseball God sent to Earth to help swing the tide in the final game between the forces of good and evil - The New York Yankees vs. The Boston Red Sox. Which is which? Larry hasn’t figured that out yet, either.?

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This is an excerpt from from my upcoming novel, The Baseball Gods. I'm introducing the gods one at a time so you can get a glimpse into the world of The Baseball Gods, have a laugh, and (hopefully) provide some encouragement and feedback about what gods you think should be included.

Don't miss Part 1: Bean Ball (link below)

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The ball squirted up the right field line in between home plate and first base. I waved off the first basemen to stay put and gave chase. When I reached down to grab the ball it was just barely on the foul side of the foul line.

“Foul ball!” Blue yelled from behind the plate.

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” the ball said.

I looked at the hitter. “Did you hear that?” I asked, but he was already walking in the opposite direction.?

“Did you hear that,” the ball mimicked with a schoolyard voice, “did you hear that, did you hear that?” and then, “Hey, Larry!”

“Something’s wrong with this ball, Blue,” I said, waving the ball in the air. This is the international sign of wanting to get rid of the current ball for a new one. And yet nobody noticed me. Except for the ball, that is, which continued to make fun of me as I walked back to the mound.

“You’re a big jerk, Larry!” it said, “A real knee biter!”

I didn’t want to look straight at the ball but I couldn’t let him talk to me like that, especially when I didn’t understand the insults. “I don’t even know what that means,” I whispered.

“Of course you don’t,” it said, “you knee biter!”

“You really are a Foul Ball,” I said and smacked it into my mitt, hoping it would hurt it somehow.?

“Ouch,” it said.

“That’s what you get,” I told it in my best scolding voice.?

“Just kidding,” it laughed, “your arm is like a wet noodle, you couldn’t hurt me if you threw me straight into a concrete wall covered in rusty nails!”

“Ignore it, kid,” Ms. Luck said from shortstop. I turned to look at her and she dropped her head and closed her eyes a couple inches then pretended to snore and flinched back awake. “We’re falling asleep out here!”

“It’s just a Foul Ball,” Super said from the dugout. “Let’s play ball!”

“Play ball!” Blue echoed.?

I closed my hand around the ball to shut it up for a second and shoved it into my glove. I tucked the glove under my armpit and stepped off the mound to pick up the rosin bag.

“Ahh,” moaned the rosin bag as I tapped it on my hand, “oh, oh, oh,” it said as I patted it, “thank youuuuuu…”

“It smells terrible under here,” Foul Ball said in a muffled voice, “do you use cat poop for deodorant? Do you sweat anchovies?”

“What’s the problem?” Dom asked. He was in front of home plate now.

“I seemed to have gone crazy,” I said.?

Dom looked up into the sun. “It’s a nice day for it,” he said.?

“You lost your marbles a long time before today,” murmured Foul Ball. “Here you are, thinking a ball is talking to you at a baseball academy for the Gods! What a buffoon! What a moron! What a complete and total…”

“More, more, weee!” giggled the rosin bag. I threw it back to the ground where it landed with a thud. “Ouchies…” it said with a frown. Can rosin bags frown?

“Sorry,” I said to the rosin bag sincerely.?

“Just kidding,” it responded, “that was fun!”

I kicked it.?

“Weeee!” it said as it tumbled from the dirt into the grass behind the pitching mound.?

I pulled out Foul Ball and waved it toward Blue.

“Blue,” I called out, “I need a new ball.”

Blue took off his mask and I flinched. I still wasn’t used to his deeply blue face. It looked like he dipped his head in a paint can. Then lit it on fire.

“No,” Blue said.

“What?”

“I said no.” He put his mask back on. “Play Ball!” he barked.

Dom walked the rest of the way out to the mound while the ball kept bullying me.

“Don’t call him Blue,” Dom said. “He really doesn’t like it.”

“But he his Blue,” I said.?

“But he is Blue,” Foul Ball mimicked.

“Man, I really hate this ball,” I told Dom.

I heard a snoring sound and I looked behind me to see Ms. Luck laying in the dirt, pretending to sleep.

“Yip!” Yipped Yips from first base.

“Not helping, Yips!” I yelled at him.

“Play ball!” the umpire yelled again. His face was so blue. So, so blue.?

“I can’t play with this ball,” I told Dom. “I’m gonna hurt someone again.”

“Forget about it,” Dom said. “It’s not Bean Ball, it’s just Foul Ball. Maybe it’ll even help you. Like, it can’t be hit fair, or something?”

“You think?” I asked.

“I’m not exactly the expert on Baseball God stuff, but,” Dom paused, “maybe?”

“You’re just a big jerk,” Foul Ball said again, “a real knee biter!”

“Do you know what that means?” I asked Dom.

“Sounds British,” Dom replied. Then he repeated it with his best accent, which was terrible, “Brih-ish.” He giggled.

“I’m glad you find this so amusing,” I said.

I turned and threw the ball over the centerfield fence. In other words, I threw the ball deep into the corn fields beyond centerfield, which had no fence.?

“Knee biterrrrrr…” the ball said as it flew.

“You’re outta here!” Blue said from behind me.

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The Baseball Gods Part 1: Bean Ball can be found here -

https://www.dhirubhai.net/pulse/introducing-baseball-gods-part-1-bean-ball-jason-wuerfel%3FtrackingId=BYsmGJFeTh%252BcX3wVT1rEkQ%253D%253D/?trackingId=BYsmGJFeTh%2BcX3wVT1rEkQ%3D%3D