Introducing.......

I didn't know this person that I am about to tell you about till around 14 years ago which is when I witnessed the start of their recovery. This story is in brief but is true and factual and there is a point to this which I will share with you when I have introduced them to you.

When I first truly met this person, they had just come to terms with the fact that they suffered with mental health and who they had been for most of their life, at this point, they had decided that they needed to start living. The challenges they had faced and were about to face would make most people run and hide but every challenge and every obstacle become another reason to move forward. When I looked back over their life to this point, it was then the fog cleared.

At the age of 14, this teenager who had their whole world in front of them and was a happy go lucky individual had this taken by being sexually abused by a holiday rep whilst away on a family holiday. This was the start of self abuse, neglect and self hatred. A cloud formed over their head and did not disappear for many years.

The next 18 years was a mix of bad decisions, wrong relationships and 3 attempts at taking their own life. Bulimia set in first which developed into more serious conditions and they would go days without eating and or no sleep, helping themselves to swigs of vodka, smoking both cigarettes and weed, trusting the wrong people, people they had believed in and told personal information too only to have that used against them where they were blackmailed which led to running's with the law - this is when the first attempted suicide happened aged 19. Weighing less then 7 stone feeling that there was no-one to help or turn too, no-one could be trusted and they took every type of tablet available with vodka and woke a day later in hospital having had their stomach pumped and then admitted to having therapy in psychiatric ward for a couple of weeks. During this time, the next stage of their life was to happen and they trusted another individual who they then went on to marry much to family outrage - parents fighting for control, their spouse fighting for control and this individual not knowing who was who including themselves.

Life rocked and rolled for next 8 years but always there was this tug of war of individuals wanting control and at the center point was this individual who had no control, or that was what they thought. During the next 8 years when times were tough, they tried a couple of times more to end their life as they felt there was no escape, no-one to turn too, the one person that had never judged them (but lived miles away) and was always there died when this individual was in their early 20's, the mourning of that loved one individual still goes on to this day but they have learnt to live and use better coping mechanisms as they have had to deal with more loss. 10 years in to the doomed marriage, the spouse had turned violent and fights would break out at a drop of the hat - they never married for love in the first place, both had felt like misfits in their own lives so they had joined forces which ended up being toxic for both. The spouse too had their own issues and in the later part of their marriage the spouse would hit out, threaten and wave or throw a hot iron, lock them in cupboards, shut out family members so there was no-one yet the individual who I got to know started to become stronger, almost like a light switch had been flicked. One night, they grabbed a few possessions and their dog (who had become a life line during these days) and fled in the middle of the night.

I started to get to know them around this time,. The first part of their own confidence growing was the ability to quit smoking and started to take care of themselves, had a decent career which gave confidence - more people started to like this person and the individual started to like themselves and this is when I first introduced myself to who I was and to who I become.

For years I had to deal with being sexually abused, I had fought my own sexuality as I knew I was gay but I didn't want to be gay because of what this holiday rep had done to me at 14. I gained eating disorders as this was all I felt I had control over - no-one could take that from me, use it against me. I married a woman who should never have married me either because of her own problems, she knew I was gay - she was one of the individuals that had gained my trust then used it to hold on to control during the marriage, it wasn't all her fault but as the older person (by 20 years) she should have known better.

At the age of 32, I learnt that I had to live, I deserved to live and be who I wanted to be - sometimes I still have to remind myself of this and sometimes I am still too nice not to have what I want or to stand my ground more in fear of being rejected, this I don't think will ever disappear from me and its why I make some decisions that I do.

In the past 15 years, I have learnt to be happy - its had its challenges. I had an incredible relationship with a man that truly saved my life and showed me how to love and live, he was truly an inspiration, sadly he died from a rare form of brain cancer 18mths ago - yes, another challenge but it has not defined me as I count myself lucky for the fact that I had him for the years that I did, yes I mourn him of course but I hold onto the fact that he demonstrated and stood for what he believed in and I was part of that.

My story is not one that I write for sympathy, mental health can define or destroy you, I've been on both sides but I stand defined and more confident than ever. I share my story to give hope and show that if you look hard enough, you will find that glimpse and that reason to be allowed to be you, because you are great!

Recently having become a mental health first aider, I hope that I can inspire and show you what you are worth. Be who you want to be and stick two fingers up to anyone who says you can't be you.