Interviews should be eliminated

The only time I have ever interviewed people, I was searching for a cat sitter in Connecticut. I must have received 12 or 13 applications, and I responded to all of them, interviewing most. I will never forget my #2 that day, how nice she was (too nice!) and how competent (too competent!) So I hired someone else, noting that maybe #2 could win my (and Wally's) heart. It did not take long before that occurred, and I gave #2 a shot.

For years, she was nothing short of extraordinary, and when she went on to become successful in her career, have a family and own a home, it was I, not she, who needed help. She even gave me a ride to my colonoscopy, which I paid her for of course.

But all that being said, what if I had not interviewed Olivia (not her real name)? What if I had simply asked for a video introduction and called three of her former bosses? What if I had agreed to a one-week trial and if it did not work out, she would be fired? This is what I propose.

I say this because not all of us are cut out for job interviews. I get so nervous that all of my blouses require dry cleaning afterwards. I can rarely remember who I am, in reference to that question 'tell me about yourself', and in Zoom interviews sometimes can't angle the laptop up at the right degree to avoid my turkey waddle. I have seen where my lipstick was applied askew after interviews in the past, because I was so nervous my hands were shaking when I put the lipstick on. During interviews I sometimes get so thirsty I feel I can't talk, and yet, if I take a sip of water risk looking like that politician everyone made fun of, you know, the one who kept pulling his water out to drink (was it Rubio?)

Maybe my idea is impractical, but I know if, say, they were to try me out for a week at this present job I am up for, I would be thrilled. It is several states away, but if they were willing to fly me out for a week and pay me for the week, I would absolutely agree. But the interviews are over, and for the most part, I think I did better than I usually do. This may be because at some point, after so many failed interviews, one realizes she has nothing more to lose. i.e. I did take a drink of my water during the Google Meet call and the editor did not bat an eyelash (much as I could tell.)

I was supported in this idea when I recently heard famous Hollywood actors and actresses complain about how much they hate auditions (only one actor said he enjoys the process.) I was shocked to hear they get as nervous as I do, as sweaty and weird as I do, and sometimes as upset with themselves as I do (the good news here, is that I am on my way to great fortune!) Yet, unlike me, they all seem to be resigned to the process...for others. They laughed, "ha ha, but that was us five years ago, we are all super famous now, of course, ha ha, pass the martini!"

What job interviewers glean from nervous applicants I am not quite sure. If the goal is to find someone who does not dissolve under pressure, that is not exactly right. I am known for being steady in a crisis - i.e. I finished my thesis just days after my mom passed away - and don't "freak out" if I am forced to write old school on a yellow tablet (the past few weeks have been fraught, tech wise, with my losing both my iPad and my phone, one to old age and the other to distraction). Job interviewers would do well to realize that whomever they see on the screen is just a sad reflection of the actual person, and most of their questions have nothing to do with whether I would be great or sucky in the job. Why not ask me pertinent questions:

1) Have you ever fought for something for years despite everyone telling you it was a bad idea, only to eventually win said goal? (This was me getting to grad school);

2) Have you ever quit an addiction and never gone back (yes, smoking, in three days);

3) Do you sometimes bubble over with so many ideas it makes your head hurt (I have to remember to have a pen and paper with me always);

4) Are you the kind of person who remembers birthdays, anniversaries and other important dates and gives cards to colleagues? (yesssss)

5) Can we count on you to keep a secret? (as long as it is legal, ok)

6) Can you make us laugh (yes, kind of my thing)

I don't think asking me to tell you about myself makes much sense if what you are really trying to fathom is if I am a fit for your company. For example, if the last reporter took off with the water cooler in a fit of rage, you should just run a background check (which you will) to make sure I have no similar infractions. If your goal is to find out if I am nimble enough to use a CMS at my age, then that is rude, first of all, but even so why not read one of my 5,403 articles online or ruminate on the fact that while not a digital native, I have been writing about technology since before your intern (22) was born (and not afraid to say this.)

Any construct that starts with unequal footing is just blatantly unfair and no doubt, will result in a poor outcome. The person who sells herself the best has only perfected the art of keeping her armpits dry under pressure. She probably does not know why using 'everyday' when one means ever day is a cardinal sin.