An interview with Zoe Parsons

I'm very excited to speak to you today, Zoe. We worked together at Sky, and now you run your own business Self Love After Abuse as a life & relationship coach, specialising in helping people recover from narcissist & domestic abuse. As someone who is also venturing into coaching, albeit as a side-hustle for now, I'm interested to know how you deal with the challenges that come with running your own business.

It can be very challenging at times. I have my own business, I have a nine-year-old daughter, and due to the coronavirus, I've started homeschooling my daughter. I'm busy all the time, so time management is key. 

I manage to do all of this constructively and I only work Monday, Tuesday, Thursday and Friday. I make sure I always have a Wednesday, off. When my daughter was at school, not working on a Wednesday meant that I had time for myself where I could exercise, go out for a coffee and just decompress. I only work from 10 am to 4 pm which allowes me time for my daughter in the morning and evening. I manage my time in this way because ultimately, you work to provide for your family and so that you can have a better happier family life. If you spend all your time working, that takes time away from the family which kind of defeats the purpose. But in the back of your mind, you're still thinking "I need to grow my business and I need to earn money". 

When you have your own business, you can quickly feel overwhelmed. You can feel that you're not achieving enough, especially if you're thinking about getting clients because of course you want to grow your business. The whole mindset of focusing on money can be quite negative and draining so the approach I took with my business is that I'm not going to focus on the money. If I get clients, well and good. If I don't earn money for a month, that's fine as well. My objective was to establish myself as an expert within the field and to put myself out there so that people can find me and they can trust me. 

I think a lot of business owners feel the way you do, especially at the beginning.

Probably the best piece of advice I was given, is that you have to think about your business as if you're putting content into a pipeline. Doing your social media posts, podcast, interviews, talking to people, networking, and anything else goes into the pipeline. What happens is that eventually this pipeline will get full and you will start getting comebacks from it. You can use the pipeline idea to grow a mailing list, get followers, launch a product or whatever.

But what people often do, is they stop putting into the pipeline because they start earning and then the pipeline dries up. You have to find the balance between continually putting into the pipeline, and serving your clients. 

This is excellent advice for anyone running a business. Once you've achieved what you wanted, you can go onto growing a different area of your business whilst serving existing clients. The same applies to any job. Prioritising is key. 

Exactly, because the thing is when you focus on too many things, you start feeling overwhelmed and anxious. You feel like you're not achieving what you want to achieve. And it's because you're splitting your energy and your attention. If you think about these two things - time and energy – they are finite. You have a limited amount of them, so you have to decide what you're going to spend your time and energy on because, once they're gone, they're gone. I find what helps me the most is just to not focus on the money, but focus on the pipeline. It takes all the mental pressure away.

Shifting your focus away from making money, not only helps you to not feel overwhelmed, but your energy shifts and people pick up on that energy. They know you're not trying to sell them something, you're just trying to help. As a bonus, they are likely to eventually become a paying client, but that's not your goal – your goal is to help people. 

That's right. I will speak with lots of people who don't actually have a booking with me, and I'm fine with that. I decided to coach because I want to help people. When I was at Sky, that was a career. It was about earning money, getting promoted, doing the whole career path thing. But as a coach, I don't take that approach at all. It's an entirely different mindset. When you go from corporate to running your own business, you do have to have a mindset change. 

So what made you decide that you want to help other women, and not just recover from your own trauma and rebuild your own life?

What I went through was such a negative experience that I didn't want to look back on the seven years that I spent with that person, as a waste of time. I didn't want to have regrets. I wanted to turn my experience into something positive, and the only way I'm going to do that is to help people, to raise awareness, to educate and to share my journey. My coaching practice is essential my journey to recovery, turned into a set of steps. As a coach, you need to be authentic, but you also need to show it works. You are the best advocate for showing that something works. 

Because you've gone through this yourself, you know exactly what someone needs when they come to you for help.

Exactly. Obviously, to practice as a coach, I got a qualification. Still, most of my knowledge comes from those seven years in an abusive relationship, plus the two and a half years I spent healing. You can't beat life experience when it comes to helping people, especially when you can prove that you overcame it. I was diagnosed with PTSD. I had nightmares, panic attacks, and I couldn't go into crowds. If I saw a tall black guy walking towards me, I would cross the road. If a car backfired, I jumped. I was on antidepressants and sleeping tablets. I was in a really, really bad place. I was signed off work for weeks and weeks at a time just because of the trauma of being in that relationship. 

And look where I am now. I'm not on medication, I don't have anxiety, I'm in a happy, healthy relationship, and I run my own business. Yes, it was hard, and yes, I had to start my life from scratch. When I say scratch I mean, from scratch. I had to take my daughter out of school, and I had to change my name. I had to move to a new area, find a new home.

On top of that, I was also setting up a business, and my ex had left me in debt. And that's just the physical aspects. Think about the emotional impact that being in an abusive relationship has on you! You also have to build your own self from scratch, because I felt broken by the whole experience. I hated how I looked, I couldn't look in the mirror, I didn't care what I wore, I was nervous, I was fearful, I was crying all the time. It takes a toll mentally, physically, and emotionally. Yes it's hard but just because it's hard, doesn't mean it's impossible - it just means it's hard and it just means you have to spend time to do the work.

Oh Zoe, that's why you're such a good coach! You've just talked me through the terrible things you went through, and you end the story by giving me hope! And you overcame all of that, with your daughter watching you do it.

The reason I left was for her. By the time I reached the point where I had decided to leave him, I actually felt that I deserved everything that he had done to me. He used to say that if I ever cheated, he would cut me up with a knife and put me in the bin. I accepted that. I was actually okay with that because I thought "Well I'm never gonna cheat, so that's not going to become my reality", but the fact that he was even saying that, is obviously not right. I accepted the fact that one day he probably would kill me. And I accepted that one day he probably would really hurt me - which he did - and I was still okay with it. I actually felt that I deserved it because my self-esteem and self-confidence was so low.

There was an incident where he tried to strangle me in front of my daughter. She was two and a half at the time. I remember seeing her looking at him while he was choking me, and I just remember thinking, he's gonna kill me in front of her and who will protect her from him if I'm not there? I may feel I don't deserve anything, better I knew she did. So from that point, I started making my plans to leave. 

I'd reached the point where I didn't feel I was worthy of a healthy relationship. Still, I knew that my daughter deserved a healthy relationship, and the only way I thought she's going to learn this is if she sees it. It's all very well me telling her, but actions speak louder than words.

When I got into my new relationship, and he would tickle me, she would come running and ask me if I'm okay and try to stand between him and me in order to protect me. But that was the conditioning she had - that a man is always going to hurt you. She was four years old when I left and about six by the time I was going into the new relationship. Now when my partner gives me a deep tissue massage and I say it hurts, but in a good way, she doesn't even blink her eyes, she knows that it's safe and she doesn't have to protect to me. 

That's amazing, Zoe. You turned around your and your daughter's life, and now you are helping your clients do the same.  

We're not responsible for what happens to us. So if we've been in an abusive relationship, we're not responsible for that. But it's something that's happened. Often it happens because of unconscious beliefs from our childhood, but it also happens when we are with someone who's manipulative and a liar. He can be an expert predator that basically creates a false perception of what a relationship is. But when we get out of that relationship, we are responsible for our healing. That is our responsibility, and that is something we can control and should take ownership of.

Showing clients how to take action, is what a coach does best isn't it? To help someone take action towards their own healing. And in the case of your clients, to also physically take action to remove themselves from this toxic relationship. 

I'd like to go back to your time at Sky if we may. You started as a Legal PA, but then moved into a role which had never existed before in Sky. How did you do that?

As a PA, you are limited in the promotional structure. So what do you do if you want to grow within your role? I realized I can't go upwards, but I could definitely stretch. I was employed as a PA, and it was very much arranging meetings, getting coffee, and those kind of things. The lawyers in the team had regular meetings, but the PAs were never invited to attend. So I said to my manager "I want to attend the meetings because when I know more about what you do, it's going to help me to help you". So I started going to the team meetings and then they started inviting me to speak in the team meetings. Then I attended the training that the lawyers used to go on. Eventually, they asked me to facilitate the training. They finally started to see me as more than just a PA. It reached the point that I started doing more paralegal work, and I set up a system within Sky where Non-Disclosure Agreements could get approved quicker. When it came to restructuring the legal department, they came up with this new role, which would basically take a person from legal and put them in the business. It was a whole new way of working and they wanted me to fill that role. I went for it. My title changed from Legal PA to Manager, which then put me in a promotional structure and I said: "You know what, I'm gonna work my way up".  

That's amazing. You couldn't have foreseen a restructuring, but you instinctively knew you were meant to be more than a PA and you moved towards a role that did not even exist yet. 

I think in a way it kind of goes back to the whole principle of what we said about the pipeline. Don't always focus only on what you want. Focus more on what you need to be doing to improve yourself to get value. So, yes, I made sure I gave value to the legal team, but I also made sure that I learned a lot. In the end, I was giving legal advice and helping lawyers and delivering training. I was setting up and implementing processes, and doing a whole heap of stuff that was never within my original remit as a PA. 

And you did all of this, while you were in an abusive relationship! There must have been a part of you that said: "I am worthy of a better life". Despite your self-esteem having been affected by the abusive relationship, your self-worth was still driving you forward. 

It is weird, right? At home there always used to be things I couldn't find and things would just feel "off". Then suddenly the thing would reappear where I thought I had left it, but I knew it wasn’t there when I looked for it before. It's like it just disappeared. I found out later that it was because he was hiding things from me. When I was looking for it, he would torment me about it, and then he would put it back where I knew I had left it when I wasn’t looking. He was totally messing with my head. 

I would say to myself, why am I so different at home? At work I'm a PA to four people and later on in my career I was giving legal advice. I'm a Manager and respected at my work, and at home, I seem to be a completely different person. I couldn't understand the disconnect. 

But for me, work was my safe space. Because the home was so toxic and it just became more and more toxic as the years went on, but at work, I was able to talk with people and to be normal. Ultimately, work was probably the one thing that really kept me stable and enabled me to get out of the situation because I had a steady income and could buy a home. I was financially independent and able to get free from the relationship. He didn't stop going to work because he would take my money. He didn't contribute anything to the household and if he wanted anything, he used my money even though at one point, he actually earned more than me. I experienced financial abuse, but I wasn't dependent on him. Not being dependant on him and having a stable job made the difference in deciding to leave him.  

Being in a stable job certainly was a huge blessing. But not all of your clients are in that situation.

You're right. For them, it just adds a different challenge. Like I said before it's not impossible. If you're looking to get free from an abusive relationship, and you don’t have work, then you have to create a Safety Plan. You have to put together a plan to get a job and save money. Start stashing documents in various places, have a Go Bag. It might take six months or a year to fully implement your safety plan, but it's achievable. You can't think "I don't have money, so that means I'm stuck." You're never stuck, you always have options. It just means that you have to work a little bit harder.

Look at me for instance. Yes, I had a decent paying job, but it still wasn't enough because when he got put in prison, I was still left with all his debt and I had immediately gone into the single-parent family. So I set up the eBay business and started selling stuff on eBay. I also did this thing called Homestay, where you can rent out your room to students. So I took my daughter out of her room, put her in the room with me, and I just rented out her room to give myself an extra income. I was essentially doing three jobs. It was hard, but it's what needed to happen for me to be able to pay my bills and get to a place where I wasn't in debt. You just have to do what you have to do.

Taking action would then also make you feel that you are back in control of your life. It's a shift from being controlled, to taking control.

Exactly. This is something that I do with my clients. I tell them to focus on the stuff that you can control. Because often what we do is we focus on the things that we can't change such as what people think of us, how people are going to respond to us, other people's feelings, etc. But we can't change any of that stuff, and we can't control it. When we focus on that, it makes us stressed, tired, anxious, and worn out, because all our energy is going into something that we can't control. But when you bring it back to what you can control - which is your time and your energy with things like how you structure your day, what you spend your money on - it helps you massively with your stress and anxiety level.  

That's excellent advice for anyone. Taking control of what you can control, lessens your stress and anxiety levels. 

I find, mainly because my business is on social media, and my clients are in all different timezone, it can be 24-7. When I first started, I would instantly be replying to everyone, and I would be up at midnight, responding to messages that people have sent me on Instagram. But that isn't healthy. So I turned off all my notifications in social media. I will decide when to go into my social media platforms when I'm ready to do it, not when my phone is pinging at me.

Such a good idea! That way, you control your social media, and it doesn't control you. 

Yes. I also have a second phone which I use for my clients. So when I finished work, the phone goes facedown in the kitchen. I don't look at it and it means I'm not mixing my work with my personal life on one device.

I do have some really strict boundaries. On my days off, I'm not on social media, and I don't reply if people message me.

But obviously, the whole idea of making people wait can be difficult because you feel guilty about it. You can feel that you're being mean and that you may fail and a heap of other emotions when you implement boundaries. Essentially, I think boundaries is key for anything, and everyone in all aspects of your life. I think the reason we fail at having boundaries is because of the negative feelings that we feel when we try to implement a boundary. And ultimately, the only thing you can do about that is just push through it. Just ignore the feeling, know that your boundary reason is solid and that you have proper justification. You're setting a boundary because it protects your mental health, emotional health, physical health, your time and your energy. Setting a boundary is saying that you are important. And if you value yourself, you're going to make sure you show that you value yourself by setting and implementing these boundaries. So there is nothing to feel guilty about. If you don't look after yourself, then you are going to be no good for the people that you're supposed to be helping. 

You are setting such a great example to your clients about setting boundaries, as well. If they ask you why you didn't reply to their message you would say that the message was sent outside of your office hours. You are demonstrating how to set boundaries. 

While we're talking about boundaries, I can absolutely recommend the book "Boundaries After a Pathological Relationship" by Adelyn Birch. It's called "… after being in a pathological relationship", but it's relevant to anyone because I think most people struggle with boundaries. The book breaks down what a boundary is and the types of boundaries. It's essential reading. When I read it, I had a few lightbulb moments.  

Boundaries and assertiveness go hand-in-hand, doesn't it? Assertiveness is something a lot of people in support roles, like PAs, struggle with.

Many people struggle with boundaries and assertiveness, especially when they've tried to implement boundaries in the past, and you were made to feel guilty or shame about it. Once you've been made to feel guilt or shame for setting a boundary, you end up having a negative association with it.

It's even more difficult if you are an empathetic person by nature because you can sympathise with the person who is making demands of you. You tend to think "If I put myself in their shoes I can understand why they are demanding this of me" and then you allow them to overstep your boundary. Empaths need to switch off the empathetic nature a little bit sometime.

Absolutely. If you're empathetic by nature, you need boundaries even more. Otherwise, you will give and give until you've got nothing left. 

And when you talk about narcissistic people, we're not just talking about romantic relationships. You can have a narcissistic boss or a narcissistic co-worker. Set your boundaries, and if you make sure you document everything, you will be protected in the workplace. 

We spoke about your corporate career and your coaching business, so what plans do you have for the future? 

I want to train as a Mckenzie Friend. A Mckenzie Friend is someone qualified to help others at court. For instance, at Family Court, a Mckenzie Friend would help abuse victims with their forms, support them when they attend court, and show them where to get information on the court processes. For me, it blends well with my legal experience from when I was working at Sky. It is also common that an abusive parent would use the children as a pawn and as a means to further their control, which means they often end up in Family Court. Abuse victims don't present well at court because they have PTSD and still live in fear. So they don't necessarily come across in the best possible way. Its also about how you present the details of the case, like giving information in chronological order. Those things are important, but often these women don't have money so have to represent themselves without any legal background, and they don't have the means to formulate a defence. As a Mckenzie Friend, I will be legally qualified to help them in this way. 

So my big plan for next year is to train as a Mckenzie Friend and then put together a new core coaching package which will essentially provide abusive victims with the legal support they need, but also the emotional support to get through the whole court process. 

What a fantastic way to combine your legal background and coaching skills! Thank you for sharing your incredible journey from PA to Manager to business owner with me. Your life and career is truly an inspiration and I wish you all the best for Self Love After Abuse.