Interrogate your friends

If we only get interrogated by our adversaries, we tend to discover hard truths in tough situations where we are disadvantaged and it is difficult to act positively and proactively as a result of these insights.

Our friends, partners and allies can help us in two respects here. They can give us valuable and candid feedback when they observe it themselves to help us improve the way we operate, and they can question and challenge our plans, decisions and actions to help us become more effective. In the case of the latter, this really shines a light on how healthy conflict can be very important in relationships, teams and organisations.?

I encourage my friends, partners and colleagues to give me open and direct feedback when they observe something they feel warrants it, and I also encourage them (implicitly and on occasions in direct requests) to interrogate me (nicely!) to help me up my game.

Friendly interrogation

When the relationship is there and the emotional bank account balance is high, direct and supportive challenges of our thoughts, beliefs and ideas can be very valuable in both improving your strategies and actions and in developing the relationship itself. Active challenge with support is one of the best ways of developing the relationship to a deeper level.

I am very grateful to have a good number of people whom I’ve worked with for years, have very solid working relationships with, and we both feel we can openly interrogate, challenge and converse with each other to help each other improve. I could not have achieved what I have so far without this, and I’m very grateful for you being there for the future.?

Now I’ve hopefully convinced you that interrogation with the right intent can be beneficial, let’s explore a very powerful model that helps us do it.?

The Meta Model

An amazing tool from the marmite jar of Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) is the Meta Model[1]. Developed in the mid-1970s by Richard Bandler and John Grinder and inspired by modelling the language patterns of highly effective therapists, particularly Fritz Perls (Gestalt Therapy), Virginia Satir (Family Therapy) and Milton H. Erickson (Hypnotherapy).

The Meta Model is a set of linguistic patterns designed to challenge and clarify vague or distorted language to uncover deeper meaning and assumptions in communication. Born from therapy, but these patterns are just as relevant in business and elsewhere in life;? the practical use of the model extends informally to most conversations. Fritz, Virginia and Milton were experts in their fields and had a huge impact because they used these patterns unconsciously. The Meta Model codifies this and allows us to learn how to interpret what is being said, what is not being said, and develop more effective questioning techniques so that we can constructively challenge our friends and partners on their plans, decisions and beliefs, give them insights, and develop a better approach. As we deeply integrate the model, there is no need to consider it consciously; you’ll have trained yourself to be an expert linguist and use these patterns naturally.

The model categorises observances into three groups; distortions, deletions and generalisations, and they are best used in this order. If you spot a distortion, delve into that, if not but you see a deletion, chase it, and if not is there a generalisation you can challenge?

Distortions?

There are five types of distortions, where meaning is assumed which might not be true:

Mind Reading:?(Assuming the thoughts of others)

?? "The client hated my presentation.” This might be the case, but it might be something completely different unless the client explicitly said this. Challenge with something like:

? Response: "How do you know they hated it? Did they say that?"

Lost Performatives: (Judging without saying who made the judgment)

?? "This proposal is a disaster."

? Response: "According to whom? Based on what criteria?"

Cause & Effect: (Believing one thing must cause another)?

?? "If I don’t work late, senior mangement will think I’m lazy." A good response might be:?

? Response: "Has anyone actually said that? What else could they think?"

Complex Equivalence: (Mistaking one thing as automatically meaning another)

?? "My boss never praises me, so I must be underperforming."

? Response: "Could there be another reason your boss isn’t giving positive feedback?"

Presuppositions: (Assuming something is true without evidence)

?? "We have no choice but to cut staff."?

? Response: "Really? What other options have been explored?"

Deletions

There are three deletion types; where key information is missing:

Nominalisations (Turning a process into a fixed thing)

?? "Communication is a disaster in our team."

? Response: "How exactly is communication a disaster? Are meetings unclear? Emails ignored? What specifically needs to improve?"

Unspecified Verbs (Not saying how something happens)

?? "Our marketing isn’t working."

? Response: "What specifically isn’t working? Leads? Engagement? Conversions?"

Comparative Deletions (Missing a point of comparison)

?? "This strategy is better."

? Response: "Better than what? In what way?"

Generalisations

The two types of generalisations are where the statement assumes a belief is universally true, or more generally valid than it might actually be:

Universal Quantifiers (Words like always, never, everyone, no one)

?? "Our competitors always win."

? Response: "Always? Has there ever been a time we won?"

Modal Operators (Must, have to, should)

?? "We must lower our prices to compete."

? Response: "Must we? What other strategies could work?"

Challenge with support

You can see the power of this model to help your colleagues explore their, often self imposed, assumptions and beliefs to help them take more successful and impactful action. When doing this, it is important to make sure the relationship can take it and they understand why you’re doing it. Have meta conversations to invite your close friends and working partners to do this for you, and ask if they would like you to do so for them. Until this is regularly established, make sure you highlight you are going to do this to help them improve and get their permission first. When doing so some softeners like “I was wondering”, “Help me understand” or “Out of curiosity” as you introduce the response to make it less confrontational and more constructive.

If you’re not already familiar with this or you don’t feel you are already doing this unconsciously, have an experiment with a good friend and work through and test some responses like this to a real problem or challenge they have. This is a great starting point for developing your Friendly Interrogation expertise, further developing your close relationships, helping your work partners become more effective and giving them the opportunity to give the same support to you.?

When I first discovered this model my mind was blown. I’ve spent well over a decade integrating it and while I could still improve my use further, I find it has made me 10x more effective at supporting others in achieving their goals and resolving their issues in consulting, programme delivery, coaching, when collaborating with business partners, in all sorts of meetings and also in many other areas life.

This is a key life skill that makes you more effective at connecting with others.

Bandler, R., & Grinder, J. (1975). The Structure of Magic: A Book About Language and Therapy (Vol. 1).

This content by James Carter is licensed under CC BY 4.0