International Women's Day 2019

To mark this year's International Women's Day, I wanted to share my recent experiences. For the past two years my partner and I have been embarking on a journey to parenthood; one that has led us to meet an extraordinary group of people... all of them women.

Now, I need to explain that our journey was one of surrogacy, which involves the creation of a family using the help of women who are willing to carry your baby for you. Many would immediately think of America when surrogacy is mentioned, but it is lesser known that this is a viable option in the UK. In fact the UK Is one of the safest and most tolerant places to do surrogacy, if like with many things, you do your research and get the right advice. That is why we joined Surrogacy UK (SUK), a not for profit organisation that brings together a community of surrogates and intended parents.

SUK promotes a “friendship first” ethos, where surrogates and intended parents team together and create a strong and long-lasting relationship, many of whom will maintain that relationship long after the surrogacy journey is complete. In the UK, surrogacy is not a commercial business, indeed it is prohibited by law for a surrogate to profit from it. That means it is entirely altruistic. One commonly asked question is “but why do the surrogates do it?” The answer – because they want to give the gift of a family to others who would otherwise not be able to have children. I’m reliably told that in their eyes there is no greater feeling than the one experienced when you finally hand over that baby to the parents who have longed so much for it. It’s a selflessness so seldom witnessed in the world today and you cannot help but be reminded of the beauty of humanity. Sometimes ordinary people can do extraordinary things.

To me, surrogates are a remarkable example of female strength. The ones I have had the pleasure of meeting are the most kind, compassionate, strong and resilient people I know. The risks and challenges shouldn’t be understated; there can be many setbacks along the way in a surrogacy journey, some of them truly heart-breaking. I’ve seen this happen first hand with friends, and the suffering it can cause can be devastating, deeply affecting everyone involved – from the intended parents, to the surrogates and their families. I’m told that it is common for a surrogate to feel a strong sense of guilt when things go wrong, but the resilience, strength and determination they demonstrate to persevere and achieve their collective goal, is utterly awe-inspiring and an outstanding example of human strength.

In my case, my partner and I had the blessing of meeting Emily one and half years ago. She was calm, kind-natured, funny and loving. We immediately hit it off with her and her family – her then two-year-old cheeky-chappy Jacob; her sweet four year old, Annabelle; and her loving husband Scott. I remember our first ‘double date’ where we got to meet Scott, and immediately proceeded to spend no less than five hours at the restaurant chatting and joking. You can imagine the feeling of joy and gratitude when she offered to help us in starting a family. We spent the next six months building our relationship – weekends out, movie nights, dinners and even a little holiday in Cornwall together.

Nine months ago, we managed to get pregnant. Exactly 40 weeks ago today* in fact. I sit here on my baby’s due date, and I couldn’t be more excited that my partner and I will soon be fathers to this wonderful new human being who will enter the world surrounded by love. Emily’s selflessness will not just create a daughter to two loving fathers, but many grandparents, uncles, aunties and cousins too. And it won’t stop there. Because I know our girl will go on to touch so many lives... and who knows, may even one day go on to have a family of her own.

So I sit here and wait. I wait for something that I’ve longed for for such a long time but never dared dream would be possible for me. But because of Emily and her desire to help others, I now have so much more to look forward to. In a very short time, I will get to meet my daughter. I hope she grows up to be proud of how she has come into this world, and I hope she gets the benefit of spending lots of time with Emily, because I truly couldn’t have wished for a better role model for her. 

(* time of writing: 18 February 2019)