An Internal Marathon

Your True Career is the journey within yourself! –KP

This article is written as a documentation of my personal journey, I have written it as accurately as the words I could conjure up could describe. You could carefully read this for an insight into how a typical internal journey feels. This might also serve as a referral for comparison with your personal experiences.

[The first three sets were completed while I remained in silence and did not communicate with anybody directly or on a device]

Set 1: Bodily Transformations 9:16 am to 3:11 pm 21/06/2020.

Started on my rooftop terrace with the thought of meditating through the annular solar eclipse but made it better by starting earlier and ending much later. I started by observing my breath, pausing at intervals at the end of every exhale and inhale while I mentally repeat the mantra treasured by scriptures as the king of all, this part holds good for any meditative practice that I generally speak of. While I continue to focus on the end of every exhale, my eyes almost closed, hearing feels magnified. I focus on the exact present moment and move with the smallest bit of sound that is just being heard, a jump happens to the awareness and it moves into myself, inner eyebrows curl downwards and my awareness is dropping into myself through a central node from between the brows stretches outwards below my eyes and gradually moves down. After quite some time I realize my head and spine on my neck have stiffened, I observe the stiffened part of my spine, gradually with a lot of undivided attention, awareness moves further downwards till it reaches base of the spine. As the concentration intensifies I see multiple times a similar dive in awareness but subtler than the first one take form and by then I already am not really bothered by where my breath is but holding it still. The column of awareness widens gradually till I feel as fixed as a tree that has two small cuts on its trunk holding my eyes. The part above my eyes feels like a million branches of the tree. My awareness is moving by the direction of an slight willingness to do so, holding itself intermittently at the top of my crown, between eyebrows within the throat, throat is the biggest and strongest cluster, at somewhere around my heart, on my spine behind my abdomen, on the spine at the bottom of my waist and occasionally reaches midway between my anus and penis. The body feels like a traditional hand pump rocking with the beat of my heart. While the spine feels very stiff like the trunk of an old tree, two strong branches of it start from the spine at a height of around the heart region and end at the tip of my shoulders, they also are very stiff. The back of my left shoulder is slightly aching, I relax the fore ends of my arms without losing the internalised awareness. From the fore I start feeling the testicles being pulled upwards like in a tug-o-war into the body for a short while. My thighs and feet are numb, very numb, I must have reconfigured them without disturbing the awareness two or three times. A lighter thinner sheath envelopes like the skin, it starts from the face and progresses downwards, it reaches close to my shoulders and starts moving downwards, I feel too fixed to make any movements. The body feels like a rock. When I tried to move some 30 minutes or so before I gained external awareness, I started by trying to turn my head, which gave me pain in the spine, so I had to stop, move my legs first, feel them loose the numbness then arms and it was quite an effort to move the awareness outwards, starting to listen and feel the surroundings. When I slowly opened my eyes, my focus was not fixed, my gaze was on the space between objects and my eyes, so they appear blurred, moreover my mind was put to rest so it was not connecting between sight perceived through the left and right eye, as a result I saw two suns, one with each eye, I have a habit of seeing everything I wish to in two whenever I feel like for 3 or 4 years now, didn’t feel special about that, But the surroundings looked special, super lit up and I could see bright and dark suspended particles all around me for quite a while before everything was set to normal. Though I left my posture I did not stop chanting internally that day, I must have stopped when I fell asleep. The internal chant continued next day as soon as I woke up.

Set 2: The Goddess 5:47am to 6:50pm (includes break for daily Pooja 8:15 am to 10:30 am) 22/06/2020.

The internal chant started and mind was poised on nothing except vibrations generated. Did not maintain posture though, completed morning Nitya Pooja to Maheswari Devi, which is my daily routine. Sat within the vicinity of Devi and continued my internal journey. The experience speedily became very intense, posture quickly moved to a state I had reached when I ended the previous set. Pitch black, pure thoughtless, formless, space, very pleasing space engulfed the forehead and pushed downwards from between the eyes. This naturally turned my face into a smile, I was impressed and kept myself enjoying this space for quite some time. Two fierce female eyes looking downwards at a angle and a bright red tongue flashed between my brows, this image was startling in appearance. I gradually tried to move this image downwards into my spine using my breath. A larger picture appeared, It was pitch black except for the eyes as the tongue and the next thing I see is the Vagina as red as the tongue and in intercourse. Then faintly I saw huge breasts with a light tinge by then the image had moved down the spine and I positioned it in my heart. Around my heart as the image gets clearer, I see the slender waist, thighs and legs of beauty I can hardly describe, I observed fierce looking human skulls that then were appearing clearly as a garland, her hand on the lower left held a skull full of blood, upper left hand held a severed head, the lower right showed an abhaya mudra and upper right held a trident. I was transfixed on the Image till it was late in the evening before I started offering my ablutions to the sun and meditating the gaytri by 7 pm, which was pretty late. With this ends the next set.

Set 3: The smile 6:49 pm 23/06/2020 to 5:56am 24/06/2020.

Started with ablutions to the sun, gaytri Jap ended at around 6:45 and continued with the chant and a fixed pose. Out on the rooftop terrace. This started in an already established trance due to the half an hour gaytri I just completed so the transformation was instantaneous. Senses internalize and the Devi appears in my heart this time. She smiled, felt like I am done for a moment, extremely happy with what just happened I kept observing the image set in motion, as I observed my body mildly rock with the beat of my heart. The Devi was intoxicated, in intercourse as her body moved she laughed wildly and drank from the skull full of blood, I see blood filling her mouth and from the sides of her lips falling down on to her beautiful breasts which were also getting covered in blood and further droplets of it falling down from around her nipples all looking like shades of a new moon spotless sky with dense clouds, Her breasts moving up and down with the rocking motions, earrings and the necklace were the only things she wore. She then relaxed her abhaya mudra and takes a huge gulp of wine. I see the wine moving into her throat, into her belly this time her internals start appearing to me in lit up shade of the darkest blue. I see the wine within her stomach. I see her bones, blood vessels tendons, and her uterus, which she is using as a balance preventing herself from falling off with intoxication. She regains the abhaya mudra and takes another sip of blood from the skull and her externals become visible, this time in extreme detail and I see her third eye too. He hair untied rolling wildly outwards, each skull In her garland with complete fierce looks, her nipples wading through the blood like a boat on a river, her vagina deep red, redness matched only by the blood on her breasts, a lighter dark outline with minute hair and outwards with thick bushy long pubic hair, these images then again are visible as a complete Devi in her action. I try to relax my posture while I continue chanting. By then this action of the Devi is fixed in my heart and continued to stay so, I stood up came down from the terrace, wrote mosquito coil on a piece of paper, took my bike went to a nearby shop, showed the slip and got it. Even while I rode, my sight continued to focus on the space between, I tried switching to normal sight once in a while to see objects on the road, but that did not disturb the Devi in my heart. She was positioned so strongly in my heart that once I got back home, I sat in my room and simply started observing her in my heart again. By midnight I went to the graveyard beside my home and gave away food offerings that I had prepared. It started raining heavily, so I dropped my intentions to be seated there and continue, I got back to my room instead and continued observing the Devi in my heart. Occasionally I came out to relax my feet and observed the pond beside my home getting filled. I did not miss the Devi for one moment meanwhile till it was daybreak.

[I communicated with my family members and made some essential communications, switched on my devices for a while before the next set starts, I intend to finish 13 sets this stretch]