An interior life - the tonic for loneliness
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As much as February is considered the month of love, it can also be a time when we feel out of sorts. A nagging malaise or feelings of loneliness are not uncommon and we might look outside ourselves for explanations. Things like the weather, where we live or work and our relationships can certainly impact our moods. But we often overlook the importance of a healthy interior life that offers strength, stability and warmth, no matter what is happening around us. So what kind of interior decorating, if you will, can nourish us through our own moods and the shifting sands of the outer world?
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It is important to start by acknowledging that loneliness is a normal human emotion, just like fear or sadness. It is but one in a spectrum of emotions from euphoria to despair that we all feel. So when loneliness shows up, we don't have to feel alarmed. We can accept our loneliness and turn towards our inner resources. Sometimes, it is as simple as letting the feeling be as we go about our day and watching it pass on its own if it is fleeting. When loneliness sticks around longer and is more intense, our first instinct can be to reach out to others - a partner, children, friends. Of course support from others is a healthy and wonderful way to alleviate loneliness, but it is not our only option.
Author and teacher Thomas Moore likes to think that we have a whole community inside us, because we are not just one person. We all have so many facets to our individual personalities. No matter your vocation, you may also be a writer, a gardener, a cook, a photographer, a dancer. Or perhaps you are an avid reader who can let a good book carry your imagination away. Or an amateur artist who can pour your feelings into a beautiful sketch as you sit outside in nature. When we realize that we have a whole inner world, we feel less helpless and less hopeless. We aren't left waiting for the weather to change or for a loved one to lift our moods.
This interior life can start at a very young age. Just as children eventually learn to self soothe without needing their parents for small upsets, we as grown ups can continue to practice comforting ourselves. We can develop a deep well of inner resources to draw from. That doesn't diminish the importance of healthy and close relationships, but it makes us less dependent on them as our only recourse.
When I think back to my younger years in university and early in my career, I loved the autonomy of living independently and spending time by myself. Of course, this feeling was also mixed at times with loneliness especially when other people started settling down. Now that I am married with my own children, sometimes there is hardly a moment when I am alone at all. Yet even amongst this wonderful busyness and sense of belonging, I still try to carve out ways to practice being by myself - maybe its a quiet meal alone in my garden or a long hike by myself surrounded by beautiful trees.
This time allows me to explore my own thoughts and feelings and to respect other people's need for time alone as well. Sometimes when we are down, we may have an unspoken expectation that other people should recognize our moods, read our minds and step up to offer comfort. But of course no one can know exactly what we are feeling, not even in our closest relationships. It is important communicate what we need to our loves ones, whether that is a listening ear, a warm hug or some space to be alone.
Life is unpredictable and we can never know exactly what's around the corner. The pandemic certainly taught us to be prepared for anything. It tested our ability to deal with social isolation. And even if we are not faced with such drastic circumstances day to day, there will always be times when we are, in some sense, alone. A rich inner life can be an uplifting tonic during such times. Over time, loneliness can be transformed into enjoyable time on our own. And we can more happily balance being alone with belonging.
More blogs like this: All the lonely people, Solitude and Connection