Interdependence - Me to We

Vasant Samant or Pa, my father, is an 84-year-old stroke patient. Paralysed on the right side, he has lost his ability to speak. A stickler for discipline and lover of routines, he is at the dining table at 8:30 am after his morning tea, shave and bath. He has folded his bedsheet, made his bed, shave and dressed himself and is at the table looking fresh as a daisy, beaming broadly and phonating and enthusiastic “Good Morning”. He has trained himself to do all this. Independence and self-sufficiency are keystone values for him.

His cheerfulness brightens everyone up. He likes to eat daintily and will always make it a point to wipe his mouth with a napkin. The special look in his eyes is to show that he has eaten without making a mess. He enjoys being put on a pedestal, and it keeps him feel dignified and positive. Inclusive, sensitive and thoughtful gestures by the family have helped keep up his spirit. A showman by instinct, Pa loves being “on stage” and his performance is one of the “perfect person”.

Pa likes to express himself through acts of independence. He first "showed up" by indicating he wanted to get up from the stretcher that brought him home from hospital. He wanted to walk to the bathroom rather than use the bed pan. The physiotherapist showed us the safe way for him to bathe himself. My husband taught him to use the electric shaver. We modified our home, our guest room, bathroom and staircase to make it safe and stable for him to get around by himself. Routine helps him stay vital. We have organised our lives around his weekdays and weekends. Long-haul caregiving needs to be sustainable. Depleted caregivers can send wrong signals to the patient. We never once wanted him to feel like a "burden".

Widowed at 57, Pa with the media conglomerate, the Bennet Coleman company for over 30 years, until his retirement at 58. He lived by himself in a two bedroom apartment in Andheri for over 12 years. He did not take a day’s break after retirement, and slipped into his next career as Vice President, National Union of Seafarers of India (NUSI).

Creative, energetic, disciplined, he brought a strong positive influence of projects around education, health and wellness. He helped regularise accounts by bringing in experts and professionals. He made himself invaluable. Highly inner directed, he found purpose and meaning in playing his new role effectively, efficiently and sincerely. Energetic and independent, he liked being in control and strong, always doing things for others. Never once did he think that he would be at the receiving end of help some day. It was as if he had structured his entire life to a positive, healthful way.

He loved playing host, giving us access to properties owned by his generous employer. He continued to play “provider” and giver. He knew my sister and I worried about him living alone and conceded by getting himself a mobile phone. We made a pact that he would call us at 7:30 am each day to update us on his day plan. If he was going to get home later than 7:30 pm, he would let us know where he was and by when he would be back. Life went on. A strict disciplinarian, he was intolerant about tardiness. If his driver arrived minutes after 7:30 am, Pa would assert his independence by taking the train from Andheri to Churchgate and a taxi thereafter to his Ballard Estate office. This was how he "punished" the latecomer, who would be extra cautious on not being late.

Pa practiced interdependence in his unique way. On his 70th birthday he said, “if I make a mistake, please correct me. When we are this age, there are few left who can point out a mistake.” He gave all his time and energy to his work at NUSI and understood and valued the sense of purpose, power and respect in his position. It allowed him to continue to bond with his family and friends who enjoyed taking him up on his hospitality. Pa never expected anything in return but greatly enjoyed the good will, free flowing affection and admiration from his family and friends.

Cut to a week ago, 12 years later. Pa is trying to open his water bottle. The bottle is held beneath his chin with the left hand and he is trying to pry open the cap using his teeth. “Let me help you, Pa”, I move forward, and he moves away by instinct. I say, “Pa, there is dependence, independence and there is interdependence. Interdependence is a higher thing. It is about moving from Competition to Collaboration and WIN WIN”.

Pa listens intently, asks me to repeat, and hands over the bottle with a smile.

“Pa, there is dependence, independence and there is interdependence. Interdependence is a higher thing. It is about moving from Competition to Collaboration and WIN WIN”

Pa can be very reactive with anyone who tries to help him, asserting his independence. He gesture, hold up his hand, his expression becomes hard, he can shout and a person who doesn’t know where this came from, can feel humiliated and afraid. We brief all our house help from time to time to keep an eye and be around and attentive to him, and reach out proactively. When he is at a point where he cannot move without assistance he gets angry as his need is not being anticipated. Understandable for a stroke patient who has lost a big part of the left hand side of his brain. At these times he slides back from a place of independence to dependence but does not allow for the helper to make the same transition.

Stephen Covey's Maturity Continuum

In Stephen R. Covey’s ‘Seven Habits of Highly Effective People’, the author provides a concept of maturity continuum, that helps us move from Dependence to Independence to Interdependence.

Pa experiences interdependence when we do things together. Participating in activities with him, shared meal-times, talking about our day and asking him about his, acknowledging when he reminds us to switch off the fan, or reminds us to pick up our mobile or papers, asking us after our day, especially when he was informed that we had an important meeting . He gives structure to our days, since we have breakfast and dinner together. Each day we have a scheduled activity hour, with music, a TED talk, nature or travel shows on Netflix.

A lot of our activities are outside home and Pa is home alone with helpers. Pa’s physiotherapist Dr. Ramakrishna says, “I am supposed to make Mr. Samant feel energised, but he gives me energy and positivity, instead”. Pa is an excellent patient so long as he is mobile. Pa’s core need is freedom and he believes mobility is key to being independent. A role model, he inspires with his determination, resilience and positivity. He thrives on the admiration, respect and validation that "he is enough".

Pa collaborates to create “WIN WIN” outcomes, and has moved his needle from “ME to WE”, the core value of “INTERDEPENDENCE”.