Intention versus Interpretation

Our choice of words and the types of conversations we have can impact the desired effect we’re looking for as we communicate and connect. I ran a workshop recently and from issues raised, the idea that we need to be more aware of our intentions and consider how things will be interpreted effectively came up, especially when we’re looking to influence and engage people.

Reactions impacting connection

We react to the environment we’re in and the feelings we have about the upcoming conversation or interaction. We might think about the person/s involved and sometimes doubt the level of confidence we have to say the right thing. We can very easily go into default mode and display nervousness by laughing out of place when something is serious or jokingly saying something inappropriate, maybe it’s dumbing things down to the point where it no longer resembles what we should be saying.

Whatever the challenge we’ve all had this happen to us. Times when we need to share or explain something or maybe give some feedback and the person we’re talking to takes it the wrong way. It might be a directive or we need to influence someone to do something, and it goes wrong. This has happened to me and I know how uncomfortable it can be and how difficult it is to recover the connection.

Limitations to intentional interactions

As people, we aren’t always generous when people interact with us. We don’t always react well – we tend to judge quickly. We aren’t always open to receiving and draw conclusions without knowing what was meant or intended. That’s why as leaders it’s important to be more conscious about our approach and how we express ourselves.

We too make assumptions about what the person thinks of us and our minds can take that so far ahead it’s sometimes hard to backtrack. This is tied to overthinking what’s happening and can impact our ability to connect well and communicate clearly – having our words and intentions understood and taken the right way.

Here I want to explore that a bit and look at how we can recover and more importantly how we can avoid this as much as possible. Note that we will always find ourselves in instances when people will take a different meaning from what we have said and we can’t safeguard against every conversation, but we can be more aware and make improvements, and that’s what is useful to explore.

Your intention

We are the only ones who know what the intention is. It’s easy to forget how useful that is for the person on the receiving end. It’s a bit like the need to share the ‘why’ and taking the time to do that can make all the difference.

At times the situation can be daunting, for example when giving difficult feedback. There might be a tendency to rush through this, get the words out and move on. In a sense we are wired to behave this way, we try our best to address things in the safest or least challenging way for us. But when it comes to things like feedback always think of the outcome for the person and the bigger intention which is usually to see improvements or develop performance. Remember, how we frame things, our body language, tone, timing and the way we engage all play a part in how things are received.

About interpretation

We can’t control how someone will interpret what we say and that’s why it’s more than just a single conversation, saying the words and moving on. A quote from Maya Angelou comes to mind:

“People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel”.

To have the right impact and achieve what was intended is about engaging with people to the point that they feel they can follow you, trust you and take on board what you’ve said.

Five things to explore and consider

1. Be mindful that we all have a negative bias, when we hear something, we pay more attention to the negative things said over anything complimentary. Your intention will be missed at these times as the person focuses on the things they’ve interpreted as negative.
2. Be considerate – everyone is at different places in their lives. Connecting with a difficult conversation or strong feedback at the wrong time can impact the person more negatively and create less positive results.
3. Watch your motives and emotions. Check-in with yourself as to why you need to have the conversation. How do you feel about the issue - are you angry or hurt, is there frustration driving you? Take some time to deal with how you feel first before communicating. Something that works is writing exactly what you would like to say without reservation, reviewing it and then thinking about how it might be received. Once done write it again in a more balanced, less emotive way.
4. Plan and practice. I can’t emphasise enough how important it is to plan conversations and how you connect over issues. It’s not always possible but if the situation is significant, taking the time to consider what you need to communicate and your best approach is key. Get support – ask a close colleague, a peer or a friend to hear what you have to say first. Practicing it with someone and getting their honest views is a great way to be prepared and come across well.
5. Build relationships and let people get to know you over time. As a leader, it’s easy to come across as distant and not in touch. When you then have to deliver hard news it can be mis-interpreted and not be seen as genuine. Building a consistent rapport with your people and allowing them to know who you are, will open ways for them to fully understand where you’re coming from. It might even mean they defend you when others who are not so close criticise or judge your words.

The language of leadership is influence and although this is a lot to think about, your ability to impact will greatly improve as you adapt your approach and not take it for granted that people will understand what you mean.

How I can help you:

I am Trudy Lewis an executive coach and consultant who focuses on leadership impact through communication, connection and engagement. If you would like to know more about how we can achieve the impact you need to succeed in life and work, DM me and let’s talk.