Intent vs Impact

Tim O'Donohue -Relationshipstore

Couples often argue about a past occurrence without realizing that they are, in a sense, in two different arguments. One person may have been impacted by their partner’s actions (or lack of action) in the given situation and is talking about the IMPACT, while the other person who committed the transgression is explaining their INTENT.

Both impact and intent can be important pieces to discuss in the aftermath of a conflict or disagreement. However, because there is no formal announcement/agreement about which part they are addressing, the discussion becomes unclear to both parties. The effect of the lack of clarity here is that the impact explainer is seen by the intent explainer as ‘attacking them’ or saying they are bad. The intent explainer is seen by the impact explainer as ‘making excuses’ or minimizing.

Laura was upset that David did not say something to acknowledge that she was his girlfriend, when a woman approached him and started flirting with him at the party. “You knew she was flirting, I can’t believe you didn’t say ‘This is my girlfriend, Laura’”she said.

“It’s not like I was going to do something with her, you were 2 feet away,” he replied. The impact of David’s omission on Laura was that it made her feel unimportant or insignificant to him. David saw Laura display her hurt with anger and therefore internalized that she was angry at him and believed that he did something bad to hurt her. He responded to his thought by trying to explain that he didn’t do anything wrong, so that she would not see him as bad. As Laura continued to try to explain the ‘impact’ on her, David continued to try to ease her anger by continuing to explain himself and his ‘intention’.

The result of this dynamic is that both people end up feeling unheard, invalidated and frustrated. They don’t realize that they are involved in a misunderstanding.

Both people can help shift this difficult impasse in future situations. For example, if Laura knows that it is difficult for David to tend to her feelings regarding the impact of his actions, when he is distracted defending his actions, she can lead her statement with: “ I know you did not intend to hurt me but……” or “ I want to tell you about how I was hurt by what you did, I realize you did not set out to hurt me…….”

David can realize that when Laura is hurt, she reacts with anger. His work is to tend to the hurt and reach out to her: “ I understand that it hurt you when I did that. You are the most important person to me, I never want to hurt you.”

When both people are  aware of the disconnect, the rift can be mended through these empathetic responses. When we do something to hurt someone, it is best practice to acknowledge what we did as wrong, apologize and empathize with the impact, before we explain why we did what we did.

When we are feeling hurt because we were negatively impacted by our partner’s actions, it can be important to pause, take some deep breaths to ground and center self, then state your partner’s action and how it made you feel.

This new awareness coupled with these positive relationship tools can make the difference between a long and painful misunderstanding resulting in a relationship rift versus a short-lived  misunderstanding that, when resolved, leads back to a place of harmony in the relationship.