Intent vs. Impact

Ever had a moment where you thought you were being clear and direct—only to find out later that people saw you as harsh? I’ve been there.

As leaders, we’ve all worked with someone whose perception of their behavior doesn’t align with reality. They think they’re being confident, but others feel intimidated. They believe they’re being collaborative, yet their teammates feel steamrolled.

One of the trickiest yet most important aspects of leadership is helping people understand how they’re coming across—and guiding them to align their intent with their impact.

But here’s the twist: It’s not just about them. It’s about us, too.

Because if I’m being honest, I’ve been on the other side of that conversation. I thought I was being clear, decisive, and to the point. In reality? People felt I was being overly directive—even rude. The turning point came when someone asked me:

"Do you care how you're coming across?"

That question hit me hard. Of course, I cared. And it made me stop, listen, and rethink my approach to communication.

That moment shaped how I handle these situations with others. Most people genuinely don’t realize how they’re landing, and they’re often surprised when someone holds up the mirror. The goal isn’t to accuse—it’s to explore with curiosity and empathy.

First Things First: Your Approach Matters

Before you even start the conversation, check yourself. Are you calm and curious, or are you coming in hot?

Your body language and tone set the stage for whether this conversation feels collaborative or combative.

Start with something open-ended and non-threatening:

·?????? “Can we talk about something I’ve observed? I’d love to hear your perspective.”

·?????? “In our last meeting, I noticed something that I’m curious about. Can we chat about it?”

Notice the absence of judgment or “you always” statements? That’s intentional. You’re inviting dialogue, not delivering a verdict.

The Mirror Moment

Once you’ve set the tone, focus on specific behaviors and ask questions:

·?????? “When you said XYZ, what were you hoping to communicate?”

·?????? “How do you think the team/peer received that?”

This gives them a chance to explain their intent. And often, the disconnect lies in the gap between what they meant and how it was perceived.

For example:

·?????? They thought they were being direct; others felt dismissed.

·?????? They aimed to motivate; others felt criticized.

Most people have an aha moment when they hear this feedback. You’ll see their body language shift—a lean back, a furrowed brow, maybe even a sheepish smile. They’ll often say, “Wow, that’s not what I meant at all.”

And that’s the opening you’ve been waiting for.

What If They Don’t Care? Occasionally, you’ll encounter someone who shrugs off the feedback.

You might hear:

·?????? “Well, that’s just who I am.”

·?????? “If they can’t handle it, that’s their problem.”

It’s frustrating. But luckily, these moments are rare. Most people want to do better once they know better.

For those who don’t? Your role is to set clear expectations. Tie it back to goals, values, and team dynamics. And don’t be afraid to set boundaries when necessary.

The Bottom Line

Being a mirror for someone isn’t always easy, but it’s one of the most meaningful ways to lead.

Most people genuinely want to improve once they understand how they’re coming across. And for those rare individuals who don’t? Sometimes just holding up the mirror is the best you can do.

For me, it certainly was. That initial reflection wasn’t easy to see—but it changed everything about how I show up as a leader.

How about you? Have you ever had an eye-opening moment where you realized your impact didn’t match your intent? I’d love to hear your thoughts. #LeadershipDevelopment #IntentvsImpact

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