Intent versus impact

(How to narrow the gap between intent and impact and take things less personally.)

Have you ever been told, “just don’t take things so personally?”

I used to hear this all the time when I was going through flying training. I’d get bantered mercilessly for my various character traits; mostly for being emotional.? That’s the military way.? And I’ll be honest, it really hurt.? I used to take it all so personally.? I now think? it probably wasn’t that personal.? (It turns out not everything was about me all the time). They probably didn’t sit scheming in their rooms thinking “I wonder what Sarah is doing right now and what I could do to make her feel crap.” The truth is probably closer to this:? I? wasn’t used to their slightly more direct kind of humour.? I’m not sure if that’s a male thing - to be more direct with each other. It certainly feels like women are much nicer to each other, face to face at least. Where as men can be pretty ruthless with each other.? And, on the whole, it appears there is no malice intended behind this ruthless banter, in fact it’s a sign of affection. It’s when the banter stops you need to worry. But I didn’t know that back then.? I assumed malicious intent.? I assumed they wanted me to feel crap, because they thought I deserved to feel crap. And so I was deeply wounded by their banter.

Sometimes I? told them how much it stung.

And they would sigh and say, “oh Sarah, don’t take everything so personally.”

And this is perfect example of the gap between intent and impact.

Their intent was not to hurt my feelings.

Their impact was that they hurt my feelings.

The reasons this happens, is because of the miracle of free will; How someone’s actions impact you is not? up to THEM.? It’s up to you.? It’s determined by how you interpret their behaviours. Let me explain…..For example when someone says? “you look nice today” your brain makes sense of it by producing thoughts. And there is a myriad permutations for what those thoughts could look like.

“Yes I do look nice, I’m going to walk a little taller today!”

“What a lovely person they are, I will remember to smile at them!”

“They’re just saying that because they want something from me, I’m giving them nothing.”

“I must have looked like shit every other day, I won’t bother next time.”

You see how one simple statement can impact you in very different ways depending on how you make sense of it. And you see how you interpret something will impact how you feel and how you behave.

In the first example:

“Yes I do look nice!” You might feel confident therefore you behave in a more confident manner.

Yet in the last example “I must have looked shit every other day” you might feel unworthy and withdraw.

This is testament to magnitude and power that your thoughts have to determine the impact of someone’s words. And you might also recognise that ANY of those permutations above could be true for you depending on what kind of week you are having……We often overestimate how much? have power people have over us, we believe they “make” us feel a certain way, but its actually got far more to do with what side of bed we got out of. ? What makes this even more interesting is that a lot of the time we are not even aware of these thoughts, they are so automatic; these thoughts are determined by your beliefs, values and thinking patterns so you’ve likely been thinking this way for a long time and you don’t even hear the storyline that is twisting everything you hear.? The reality is that most people have some sort of limiting belief that is colouring their perceptions of the outside world, whether they realise it or not. In fact it’s almost impossible to escape childhood without developing a limiting belief. You don’t have to experienced trauma for this to happen. Your typical garden variety experiences like? failing a test or having your heart broken is enough evidence for your brain to develop a belief of? “I am not good enough”. ? With this underlying narrative existing in your head it’s not hard to see how you may well interpret people’s actions that they are putting you down, undermining you or that they hate you.

Of course, if you’re the person who’s actions have impacted someone else negatively, you’ll probably resist this idea.? It’s a ghastly thought to imagine you caused someone pain. And you might think “but I didn’t mean that, so they are wrong to think that. I must correct that.”

And then begins the pointless struggle to insist that INTENT must equal IMPACT:

Person A “I didn’t mean to hurt you.? Don’t take it so personally.”

And the pointless struggle to insist that IMPACT much equal INTENT:

Person B “Well you did hurt me.? Therefore you must have meant to hurt me.”

Whichever side of the impact/intent fence we are on we tend to double down on it.

Imagine someone said to you, “what’s your favourite colour?”? And you said, “well it’s definitely red.? I love red. I’ve always loved it. In fact I got married in red!” And the other person scoffed and said, “that’s ridiculous, the best colour in world is blue. You’re an idiot to love red.”? Would you smack your forehead in surprise and say “Oh my goodness, of course! I’ve been lying to myself all these years! Gosh thank you so much for pointing out the error in my thinking!”

I doubt it.

Bottom line - we don’t tend to respond well to being told to think differently.

So… what can we do about it?

Well the first step is to become aware of and acknowledge the gap between intent and impact.

Or in other words we can MIND the gap.

MINDING THE GAP (between intent and impact)

Person A “I didn’t INTEND to hurt you….. but I can see that it has.” (Acknowledge the impact)

Person B “I found that comment hurtful… but I can see that wasn’t your intent.” (Acknowledge the intent)

WHY THIS IS IMPORTANT

This all may seem like a bit of palaver.? Indeed this is why relationships require hard work and commitment and some people may decide it’s easier to stay single. But actually I think in this increasingly diverse and connected world, its never been more important.

When I joined the RAF it was about leading “like minded” people. Some folk would even whisper the nmeomic PLU (people like us) in conspiratorial hushed tones.? It felt good to be in the cliche.? To belong to the tribe.? And for that to happen you had to be like everyone else.

We now know that the best teams are not made up of like minded people.? We know the value of combining the intellectual firepower of people from different backgrounds, ethnicity, thinking styles, education. Not only does it increase our problem solving ability by “thinking out of the box” it increases our potential reach and ability to scale because we can appeal to a greater portion of the market share. So the smart thing to do is to appreciate and harness the perspectives and thinking styles of people who DONT THINK LIKE US. ? Because guess what, GREAT MINDS DON’T ALL THINK ALIKE.

And, besides, it’s the right thing to do. An inclusive and healthy environment is where? everyone feels valued for who they are, not some idea of who we think they should be. So we need everyone feel valued BECAUSE of the way they think, not in spite of it.? And that means becoming aware of and learning to appreciate how others think. In other words it means BIG BIG bucketfuls of MINDING THE GAP.

This blog will focus on the person on the IMPACT side of the fence and how we can learn appreciate the others point of view so we can appreciate their INTENT. By doing this, we can begin to change the impact (because remember you have more power to determine impact than you probably realised.) So we’re narrowing the gap.

My next blog will focus on the person on the INTENT side of the fence and how we can learn more about our IMPACT.? We can also learn how to refine our behaviour and interact with others more skillfully so we can, once again, narrow the gap.

But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s look at how to narrow the intent impact gap by first working on how we interpret things,.

Now heads up - this is going to require some inner work.? I see this is top level EQ kind of work. ? But you might be amazed at how empowering it is.

NARROWING THE GAP MAGIC TRICK 1

Be curious not furious

Whenever someone interacts with you whether that is through actions or words, we have an opportunity to learn about that person.? It can be tempting to analyse their behaviour and find fault with it, ie be furious.? But it’s not as much fun as we think it will be no matter how addictive ranting on twitter might feel at the time.? A more helpful strategy is to be curious as to why this person behaving the way they are.? I read somewhere, “all behaviour is communication” and it is.? Remember our thoughts determine how we feel and behave. Therefore how someone behaves is a clue to what they might be thinking. If someone scowls at you that could mean “I dont like you, please back off,” but it could also mean “help me, I’m having a terrible day but I don’t know how to say that.”? Equally if someone beams at you they could also be saying “help me, I”m having a terrible day but I don’t know how to say that.”

Of course we are not mind readers.? And, there are a myriad of possible thoughts that drive behaviour - you can’t possibly be expected to select the right one. So the simplest strategy to find out what someone is thinking is to…… wait for it.

ASK THEM.

I know, right.? It’s genius.

Be aware of the impact intent gap before you dive in. Ie be aware of and acknowledge? the immediate impact of their actions:

You might not like what they said or done.

It might feel a tempting to react.? It’s ok to feel like that. You’re not a robot. But remember you can decide what to do next.

You can decide to be furious

Or you can decide to be curious.

I find it helpful to have a “default” response that I can call on if I’m feeling pissed off by something. This buys me a bit of time if I’m feeling a bit irrational.

Something like this;

That’s interesting - why do you say that?

I’m curious - what do you mean when you say that?

This way you can start to learn what their INTENT was.? And that means you’ve got a better idea? the next time they act in a similar way. Happily it also means you might not need to take it so personally next time.? You can say to yourself, when Person A say this, they’re not saying that they hate me, what they really mean is “I’m having a bad day.” This way you are narrowing the gap between INTENT and IMPACT.

Now it’s not always possible or practicable to ask someone what their intent is.? In this case there is another magic trick we can employ. The reframe.

NARROWING THE GAP MAGIC TRICK 2

REFRAME

So imagine someone makes a joke at your expense.

Again, before we dive in, keep in mind, you’ll need to be prepared to acknowledge the impact it’s had on you AND become aware of and take responsibility for the thoughts that have determined this impact. This not only requires emotional intelligence but also emotional courage - gold star for even trying.

For example, you might interpret the joke in this way.

“They are trying to make me feel small.”

Now let’s reframe it. There is a very simple way to do this.

Ask yourself:

“What if the opposite were true?”

“What if they are trying to make me feel big.”

Ie they’ve placed you at the centre of the joke, they’ve given you their full attention and what they are really saying is “I see you and I appreciate you and I want you to like me.”

The reframe shows us there are 2 explanations that exist for someone’s behaviour. ?(Not dissimilar to quantum physics where Schrodingers cat can exist in two states, dead and alive.)

The same is true for your thoughts.

Both could be true.

Both could be false.

The purpose of this is not to live in an alternative reality of "everything is perfect and I am wonderful".

The purpose is to help you become less attached to your initial interpretation of someone’s behaviour by realising your thoughts are not incontrovertible facts; Instead you can see these thoughts for what they are; Mental events.

We are not hostage to them. We don’t have to be ruled by them. And therefore it’s POSSIBLE that your interpretation of someone’s behaviour might be incorrect.? ? This has the effect of creating the space for you make up your own mind about how to feel about something.

“They might have been trying to make me feel small. But they might easily have been trying to big me up.? either way, it’s up to me how I feel. And I choose to feel…. Ok.”? Just the right size. Whatever that means.

Truth be told, I had to do quite a lot of work in this regard.? I have a tendency to interpret people’s behaviour as a sign that I’m not good enough for them. This was magnified when I was going through some personal difficulties and the people I thought I could count on….. were not there for me as demonstrably as I wanted them to be. I felt wounded.? Why would they abandon me in my hour of need.? Am I so awful?? And this seemed to baffle people.? They would often say “but you’re so confident and capable. It’s kind of intimidating. It would never occur to anyone that YOU would need THEM” Then finally it dawned on me. What if its not that I’m NOT enough.? What if it’s the other way round. What if other people dont think they are enough?

I’m not saying that to pull others down to my level.? I’m saying it? to demonstrate another and more advanced reframe trick - ask yourself “what if the same (faulty assumption) feels true for them (eg I am not enough)

Again the point of this is not to project and unhelpful narrative onto others.? Obviously I’m not wishing for them to feel unworthy.? But the truth is most people worry about this stuff more than they let on and you can use your understanding of your own limiting narrative to understand where others might have a limiting narrative. This helps us to to be a bit more compassionate regarding behaviour we dont like too.? For example is someone makes a joke at your expense, it might not because they think you are small, it might be they think THEY are small. And that helps you to realise that their behaviour is probably more a reflection on them than it is on you.

In other words, you dont need to take it all so personally.

And there we are back at the beginning.

It’s not nice if someone behaves in a way that hurts us.? But the impact of their actions is much more in your control that you often realise. That’s not a license for people to behave like dicks of course. So in my next blog I’ll be looking at how we can moderate our behaviours so that we have a generally positive impact on those around us.

In the meantime;

??Practice being curious not furious

??Practice the reframe.?

It comes down to this.? You don’t control the world or the people in it.? But you do get decide how you interpret what people say and do.? You get to decide how much and what kind of impact people have on you.? And if that doesn't feel empowering I don’t know what is.

Sarah Furness is an ex RAF helicopter pilot and Sqn Ldr. She is the author of the No1 best selling book Fly Higher , executive coach and keynote speaker.?

If you’re interested in hearing more about how to build emotional intelligence or close the intent impact gap please email [email protected].

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