The intelligent approach to conflict management
Jim Ferran
Reducing risks, developing professional competence, enhancing service delivery , and helping the individual reach their true potential .
Throughout my life I often found myself in conflict with others. I used to ponder on why people would seek conflict with me and came to the obvious conclusion that 'that is just the way some people are". Then I realised that the common dominator might just be ME - an earth shattering and humbling moment.
We are high performing animals who have the ability to rationalise, conceptualise, problem solve, negotiate and make strategic decisions right up to the point when our 'higher brain' decides to take a short break and our 'animal brain' takes over.
Why does that happen?
I often joke in my sessions that we are the modern day equivalent of the $6m man, maybe I am showing my age, but at the final production stage we were fitted with a cheap fuse and, whilst making us capable of both cognitive and emotional behaviours, can leave us vulnerable at times of crisis. We often allow our emotions to influence how we react and all this is often without us either realising or recognising that it is happening. We cannot underestimate the impact that the so called 'chemical cocktail' has on us and also how our own pre-loaded values and biases can see us backing ourselves into a corner.
Is there an easier way?.
Understand how we are 'hard wired' and to accept that everything we have ever done or witnessed, consciously or not, can influence us, no more so when we are in crisis or under stress.
Recognise what can trigger an emotional response in ourselves,and whilst we cannot stop this we can recognise it and try to minimise the impact it has on our response options.
Recognise that we are changing both emotionally and physically and often mirror the other person's behaviour and we cannot understand why the situation is spiralling out of control.
Understand that communication is key and that our NVCs must be inline with our vocals and verbal response. Remember the 55% 38% and 7% theory. It isn't what you say, its the way that you say it that matters
Accept that we are not always right and that our own subconscious bias has a massive part to play in the escalation of conflict.
The 3C's - control yourself, control the environment (both emotional, physical and geographical) and finally then try to control the other person(s). Failure to follow this sequence can lead to disaster.
Reflect on our part in the conflict and accepting some if not all responsibility. Being wrong is not a weakness, but failing to accept it is.
Empathy is key to managing any conflict; unfortunately we are not all supplied with the same amounts of empathy.
We are all very different and often have conflicting views values and opinions and that is OK. The desire to win at all costs is an emotional desire, the willingness to seek common ground, negotiate and accept the views of others is a cognitive response and it actually works.
Group Commercial Director at Professional Security
6 年Great article Jim. I remember when you first taught me this and it put a lot of things into perspective and gave context to a previously dark art form. You are right in terms of the most valuable training for front line personnel is surrounding the neuroscience of human interaction as it lies at the core of so many things - customer service, conflict management, building empathy, sales …. the list goes on.?
Professional Keynote Speaker, MC and Event Host, After Dinner Speaker, Comedian, Charity Auctioneer. 'The Lost Knowledge Detective'
6 年I've been told that the Merhrabian percentages have been largely discredited, but that doesn't alter the impact of NVCs in a conflict res situation in my humble opinion. The key for me is 'awareness'. Physical, situational and third person. The opportunity to 'avoid' has to be recognised and taken. I often use the model advanced in the 'problem solving policing' context, when describing how best to 'avoid' conflict. That model relies on there being an overlap between 1. A suitable victim/opportunity 2. A motivated offender and 3. The absence of a 'capable guardian'. Only when all three overlap in a Venn diagram type of way do the 'stars align' and a 'conflict' becomes a potential offence/assault. The good thing is you only have to skew the overlap a little by altering any one of those three factors and the potential 'conflict' can be avoided. Getting people to recognise THAT particular opportunity is key. Keep up the good work Jim!