Inspiring or funny Zen #92

92, What was never lost can never be found.

91. Politicians & diapers both need to be changed, and for the same reason.

90. Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as Gods. Cats have never forgotten this.

89. Knowledge is often mistaken for intelligence. This is like mistaking a cup of milk for a cow.

88. Do not attribute any action to malice that can be explained by stupidity.

87. The nice thing about having nothing is that you don't have to worry about losing it.

86. Not one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious.

85. Welcome to Hell. Here's your copy of Windows.

84. Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, but the only certainty is the latter.

83. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

82. All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.

81. Always borrow money from a pessimist, he doesn't expect to be paid back.

80. Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

79. Man stands in his own shadow, and wonders why its dark.

78. The leadership instinct you are born with is the backbone. You develop the funny bone and the wishbone that go with it.

77. If you miss the present moment, you miss your appointment with life. That is very serious!

76. People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

75. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what on earth happened.

74. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

73. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

72. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

71. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

70. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

69. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

68. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

67. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

66. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

65. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

64. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

63. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

62. How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand...

61. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it.

60. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

59. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

58. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

57. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

56. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

55. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

54. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

53. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

52. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

51. He who laughs last thinks slowest.

50. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

49. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

48. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

47. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

46. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

45. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

44. A day without sunshine is like, night

43. Save the whales.  Collect the whole set.

42. Before enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water.
After enlightenment, I chopped wood and carried water.

41. If you understand, things are just as they are;
if you do not understand, things are just as they are.

40. We shape clay into a pot, but it is the emptiness inside that holds whatever we want.

39. Sitting peacefully doing nothing
      Spring comes
      and the grass grows all by itself.

38. The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.

37. Water which is too pure has no fish.

36. No snowflake ever falls in the wrong place.

35. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

34. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

33. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a raindance.

32. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

31. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

30. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.

29. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

28. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

27. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

26. I got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

25. Some people drink from the fountain of knowledge, others just gurgle.

24. A Zen master once said to me, "Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."                    So I didn't.

23. A censor is someone who views pornography all day, but does not get corrupted even though he is certain you would be.

22. Why is it that as soon as politicians get elected they believe our money belongs to them?

21. As a cynic I generally expect the worst. I'm rarely disappointed.

20. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

19. Money will not buy happiness, but it will let you be unhappy in nice places.

18. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

17. Time is Nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.

16. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

15. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our behind ...... then things just get worse.

14. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

13. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

12. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

11. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and most of that comes from bad judgement.

10. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the wind screen.

9. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

8. If you lend someone ￡20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.

7. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

6. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

5. Before you criticise someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

4. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

3. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

2. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just bog off and leave me alone.