Inspire and Heal

Once you have dealt with the immediate issue and impact of bullying, you can begin to think about how to ensure they can grow from the experience. According to Jonathan Haidt, ‘Recent literature is beginning to address the notion that stress and trauma can actually be good for people,’ which suggests that some positives can be found in the experience of bullying.

We have looked at the practical steps you can take to help your child overcome bullying, but there is something more intangible you can do to make this transition not only smooth but also positive and life-enhancing: Inspire.

Inspire your child through language

One of the most powerful tools you have as a parent is the language you use with your child, which literally paints a picture of the character they will grow into. When you describe your child, you create an image of them that they will model themselves on. Give them a role and they will grow into it.

One of the saddest things about bullying is that, after a while, we come to believe the words of the bully. The bully repeatedly paints a picture of a ‘victim characrter’ for us. The cumulative effect of that negative talk about us is huge. If we believe their negative words, we can give ourselves years of negative self-coaching.

We parents can also fall into this negativity trap. We have had countless parents tell us, in front of their child, the problems they wish to correct, from ‘My son/daughter is fat, they need to lose weight’ to, ‘My child is nervous’, ‘My child is badly behaved’, even ‘They’re a wimp.’ This approach creates a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the child adopts the same negative self-talk and develops a host of insecurities. Not only can it slow the progress you make in overcoming bullying, it can lead to the worst possible outcomes: that your child never loses the victim mentality, or becomes a bully themselves.

It’s easy for us to use positive language when our child is well behaved or comes home from school inspired, but we need to ensure that we use the same language regardless of our child’s state.

Parental resilience

We’ve heard devastating stories from parents, of children being severely physically bullied, or finding notes in their child’s school bag from classmates telling them they should kill themselves. Such experiences cause parents acute stress, which can lead to burnout, sickness and other physical and emotional damage. Breaking through bullying is not just about helping our child to become resilient, we also need to develop this resilience ourselves.

To be resilient and be able to bounce back, we need vitality. Vitality is our ability to use our internal resources to do what we want and need to do – and then some, to have extra energy to take on the unplanned and the unpleasant.

To maintain our vitality, we need to do two things:

1. Keep our bodies and minds in peak condition
2. Escape the struggle/frustration zone as quickly as possible

Let’s look at each of these challenges in turn.