The Insidious Nature of Shame

‘Sometimes, without realizing it, shame creeps into our lives, affecting how we see ourselves and others. It's only when we notice its influence that we can start being kind to ourselves and connecting with others in a real way’

If someone had asked me whether shame was an issue in my life,

I would have strongly denied it.

BUT as I learned the deeper, subtler effects of shame

I noticed my own reactions to many situations that triggered layers of memory, the many times I had watched life from a distance, like watching from within a bubble.

I was scared to get involved.

The many times I’d rather not have been seen, inside of me I was hiding, feeling flawed, not speaking and expressing my true voice, mountains of self-doubt and of course people-pleasing!

On the surface, these behaviours may not seem significant but

they speak of a deeper addiction to shame and a feeling of unworthiness.

Like I’m unworthy of being known or loved, or I deserve to be abandoned.

I could begin by asking myself , ‘what am I ashamed of?’

Is it my appearance, or my thoughts, my inadequacy or even my intelligence?

We surely weren’t born like this, so when did this start?

Hmmm…when parents or those in authority label us as stupid, or worthless, or unlovable

WE BELIEVE THEM!

After all they’re bigger taller, older, all-knowing and we feel they must be right. That’s where the seed of shame is born!

And most times children don’t blame their guardians, they blame themselves.

And many of us adults are those overgrown kids who have absorbed the felt shame and converted it into self-punishment with self-hatred!

We tend to confuse shame with guilt - it’s not the same.

As Berne Brown tells us,

“Guilt is I did something bad, shame is I AM bad.”

Guilt is a feeling that is easier to handle or to redeem, shame is a whole different thing

Shame says, “I’m not enough and I never will be.”

It makes us wonder, why would anyone inflict this on themselves?

Well, an obvious answer is that we would all do our damndest to not feel this way

How???

By really working hard at being perfect

We’d strive to always be great at everything we do.

But why?

What are we avoiding?

We’re avoiding never feeling judged or being rejected again.

And of course we fail because a perfect person doesn’t exist!!

And every time we fail we don’t say to ourselves,

“Y’know, this doesn’t work for me….I’m not doing this.”

Instead, we criticize ourselves by saying,

“I wasn’t smart enough to do this, someone else could have done it

but because I’m an idiot I couldn’t do it!”

So let’s start with,

- When was the last time you made a mistake?

- How did you deal with it?

- Did you let your inner critic run wild and beat yourself for it?

You probably did….

Y’know, an event happens, then our demeaning self-talk kicks in and we internalize it.

We start to see ourselves through other people’s eyes.

And even from the perspective of evolution the survivor in us

has always wanted to be part of a group

Safety in numbers sort of thing, belonging and connection is very important to our well being.

And we really suffer when we feel there’s something wrong with us or

when we feel we don’t deserve the love and care of others.

So what should we do to help ourselves?

Since looking for love and care on the outside is not the answer, maybe self-compassion is!

Learning how to treat ourselves with kindness, acceptance and understanding.

Loving oneself reduces stress of course, but it’s more than that

it improves our relationships, helps us forgive ourselves and others

And basically we cooperate instead of being at war with the world.

There’s enough war on the outside…

Let’s do our bit to not add to it by taking care of our own.

Until next time….

Cheers!

Ritu Malhotra

[email protected]