Insecurity - I

Are you familiar with the feeling of insecurity?

What does it feel like?

To me, insecurity feels like I am constantly on edge

I am quick to judge

Looking for faults

Focusing on what is wrong

Turning a blind eye to what is right

Judgmental

Nervous

Afraid

Early to find flaw with others

Searching for what is missing

Glass-half-empty

Trying to prove myself

Craving external validation

Jealous

Envious

Defensive

The insecure version of Jack is a completely different person

Than the Jack who feels good about himself, who feels confident in the person he is

And no offensive to Insecure Jack, but he is not someone I enjoy being around

I’m willing to bet others feel the same way

Last week, I felt very stressed

On edge, jumpy, out of sorts

There were moments of calm

Times where I felt peace

But the uneasiness was more prevalent

There was a turning point

Where I started to see things differently

I can’t explain exactly what prompted this realization

But as it happened, I started to feel a change

A simple self-reflection, yesterday while at the gym

“Wow, I am really insecure”

Picture Jack saying that to himself

I wish I could have seen my facial expression as I reacted to this recognition

This was not a comment made to bring myself down, this was not catching negative self-talk

It was a heightened awareness of reality

As if I was finally admitting something that I had been hiding from

What followed surprised me

Having made this admission to myself, I felt better

Noticeably better

As if there was a weight lifted off my shoulders

A thirst that was finally quenched

Denial is often the source of my trouble

Acceptance brings with it the power to create change

I cannot change that which I refuse to see

If I am unwilling to see the need for change, there is nothing to be changed

So I continue through a cycle of frustration and stress

Becoming more frustrated, more stressed, that I cannot pull myself out of this pattern

As if I have fallen into a vortex of unrecognized insecurity

This change

This awareness, this acceptance, seemed to break that cycle

As if the circular thought pattern was now blocked

The flow of energy, of thought, was diverted in a new direction

With a different perspective, I started to ask myself different questions:

Well, what is making me so insecure??

When did I start feeling this way?

When do I feel most insecure?

How can I pinpoint these feelings?

These questions are not asked, without the acceptance of my own insecurity

Allowing Jack to be vulnerable with himself was opening a door

A door that I wasn’t willing to acknowledge

A door that previously, did not exist

There are certain states of self-recognition that Open our Eyes

Sometimes, we don’t like what we see

But certain exposures are so powerful

Wish as we may, it is impossible to deny we have now seen

As if we have once we’ve seen the light, there is no going back…

We can attempt to live in denial, but at the cost of internal peace

Once we see the light, we see darkness differently

Gently, I was able to focus on where my own insecurity was (and is) originating from

Rather than trying to find a single source, I started to identify several

There is no magic key, but various drivers

“Where does my insecurity come from?”

Thinking about this, I came to another question

I asked myself, Well, what is the opposite of insecurity?

Security!

And where am I seeking security?

Accomplishment

External Opinions

My own feelings

My emotions

Validation

Material Success?

Financial Success?

Predictability! This one is interesting

Predictability

Which drives on a recurring theme

It seems I want to know the future, as if there is some protection in that

Yet, I know I need to move forward, and with that predictability must be forgone

To go somewhere new, you must leave somewhere behind

I must leave something behind

I must give up the known, for the unknown

There is comfort in the known

And there is uncertainty in the unknown

But that is what makes life an adventure

As my thinking continued, I found myself feeling less stressed

More accepting of the unknown

I was no longer looking for a Quick-Fix-Cure

There is no silver-bullet

Paradoxical as this sounds

I found security, within my own insecurity

Acceptance brought peace

Letting go of denial, made room for calm

It allowed me to embrace the reality of the future

Unknown, uncertain, unpredictable

And an adventure waiting to get started

So I leave you with this:

Own your insecurity

Embrace it, accept it

And you will begin to deal with it

Rather than hide from it

No one is perfect

None of us were meant to be

We all deal with some form of insecurity

It doesn’t make us inferior

It makes us human

Turns out, Insecure Jack is not that bad

He just needs to stop hiding from himself