Inner Work and Self-Compassion

“There are two aspects of individual harmony: the harmony between body and soul, and the harmony between individuals. All the tragedy in the world, in the individual and in the multitude, comes from lack of harmony. And harmony is the best given by producing harmony in one's own life. ”

―?Hazrat Inayat Khan (Sufi Poet)

Pain is a great teacher

Self-compassion as a concept had been knocking on my door for years before I finally answered the call. Before this, I only knew that the notion of being unconditionally non judgmental with others made sense to me (I didn't know what the word 'compassion' was) especially when they came to me wanting to work something out in their lives.

By an early age, I was able to open up conversations that were potentially uncomfortable and make them safe for all parties. I had learned from painful experiences and when I saw potential harm coming towards an important relationship I intuitively knew how to make a difficult conversation easy. I never saw this as a skill, in my young mind, I was simply making sure none of the involved parties felt the pain I had experienced.

With time, I had become the go-to person, the informal coach. And I loved it. The energy shifts my 'clients' would experience, would resonate enough in me that I also felt a sense of relief and calm. And the crux of my method was always that I gave them space and validation to feel anything.

I never judged their anger or their hate towards something or someone. I knew deep within me that it was absolutely natural and I would point out that the feeling is not the behavior. Reacting from hate or anger can be extremely dangerous and this is why most of us are absolutely terrified of our feelings. It's a common misunderstanding. I was happy to be their support, walking them through their feelings onto the other side of calm and clarity.

Supporting myself

Yet, for a long time, I was not able to articulate this. I did not know I was actually ''doing'' anything. I thought of myself as simply a good listener. Why is this important? because I began to believe that listening can only come from without. So I never gave myself the attention and compassion I was giving others. As you can imagine, I was a living dissonance. Unknown to me, something was festering inside. It was right in front of my eyes and couldn't see it. I knew that letting people feel anything fully was cleansing but I never thought of being my own coach (until I did).

'' We are all broken, that's how the light gets in '' - Ernest Hemingway

Angry, confused, and without clarity, was my absolute ''normal''. I never had consistent guidance growing up and never learned to turn to anyone. Until one day, depressed, unable to engage with life, I began to look within.

This looking within was so refreshing to me that I would invest my time heavily into it. There was a season in my life where I would spend full days alone just questioning the thoughts that would arise. It was exhausting and yet with every step, I felt more empowered by clarity, by truth.

Answering the call of Self-compassion

The hardest challenge for me was to commit to Self-compassion. I decided to become very selective in the amount of energy I would give others as I realized I needed my own attention.

Feeling great from helping others created a potentially toxic dynamic: using the love of helping others to feel better myself.

Why could this turn toxic? Well, for my own internal system, this was abandonment because the message I was giving myself was ''helping others is more important than helping myself''.

So I decided to stop and question every intention I had when helping others; which trickled down to questioning every intention I had for, frankly, anything. I wanted to give more than I ever could and I wanted to make sure I gave from a place that was fully and genuinely giving and generous, not only in hope to feel better myself.

Doing so, my inner work had gone deeper. It continued to go deep to the point where I realized there is really no end. Some time after I realized there is an infinity of things I could fix about myself and my thoughts, I realized the best thing I could do is listen without judgement. Not only is there no such thing as true black and true white in life but also, often they are mixed up. We could be convinced of something today which tomorrow we realize was a huge mistake. Experiencing this within ones life is a reminder that nothing is written in stone. Nothing is certain. We just never know how we will see things next.

All we really know is that we know nothing. So all we can do to make the best of it all is to be compassionate with others and ourselves.

And I'll leave you with a few questions...

Was there ever a time where you noticed your own inner work affect other areas of your life?

Was there ever a time where you noticed a decision you made rippled out onto organizations you're a part of (work, family, friends, sports, art...etc.)?

Did you ever realize that you had been living with a belief that was no longer true for you and what were the effects of that realization?

I hope I was able to convey the importance of inner work and self-compassion through this personal sharing. Not only are they both important, but also how important it is to be strong in one's own self-directed compassion while doing inner work.

Here is one last reminder that's been accompanying me on my journey. this is the quote that truly resonated most deeply and finally grounded me in accepting self-compassion:

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.” - Jack Kornfield

May gentleness?and compassion for yourself and others be a constant part of your daily experience .