The Inner Life of Words - Communication's Hidden Meanings

This lovely woman said to me, "That's why you let yourself go."

I had never been more insulted! "Let myself go"??? What an incredibly rude thing to say!

I said, "How could you say that to me?" I was clearly upset and she was completely confounded. She had no idea what she had said to hurt my feelings. As far as she was concerned, her statement was a fact with no emotional implication. But the big open secret of the life of words is that ALL words carry emotional impact.

As far as I was concerned, she had just called me slovenly and lazy!

This was a breakthrough moment in my understanding of what communication is really about. I saw how my personal expectations and meanings could absolutely not be held by the other person, making communication more of an art than I had previously seen!

It may sound odd, but this was an exciting revelation and still is. If you want a challenge that pays off, this is it!

Being able to think in terms of how the other person might hear you is a big bonus when approaching interpersonal communication.

The question is: How do we manage communication when we don't know which lenses others see through?

Do we have to be very vanilla and jettison our personality? Absolutely not!

But there are a few guidelines we do well to follow:

Understand that words don't necessarily mean what you intend them to mean.

Everyone hears things through their own unique lens.

We humans get triggered by emotional associations, and what conveys those emotional associations is our communication: words, phrases, attitudes, emotion.

Understanding that others may have a different viewpoint allows you to think first and speak second. You give yourself the time you need to craft your way of approaching different types of people in your organization.

So, keep your mind open to the fact that people may not understand you, and that it is absolutely not personal!

Ask about your impact!

By asking the other person to tell you what they "heard" when you expressed yourself, you give them room to share without feeling attacked. That brings forward more honesty and connectivity.

An added bonus is that this demonstrates your humility, a trait that makes people feel safer to tell you their emotional truths.

Be gentle with you!

Communication is the most misunderstood artform. It is not taught in grade nor high school, and the emotional aspect of our communication is the most important in our ability to connect, educate and heal.

As you begin to pay more attention to this facet of communication, understanding that a lot of confusion comes not from some interpersonal mystery but from a lack of skill, you can start to gain those skills.

So don't kick yourself for trying to do better and occasionally needing to learn even more about interpersonal communication! Remember, you had to learn how to use a spoon when you were a baby. How much more complex is communication?

Infinitely more complex.

But it starts here: with understanding this building-block conconcept.