Inhabiting your new identity

Pamela has just finished her second year as an independent communications professional. Despite a rocky start to last year, things are now going well. She’s got three regular clients and as she puts it herself, she is “daring to believe I finally have a business”.

Nevertheless, Pamela is still a long way from confidently inhabiting her new identity; a fact that is all too obvious to any savvy buyer of her services. Here are some of the giveaway behaviours:

1. Going out of her way to please a client e.g. being available whenever they ask
2. Seeking regular reassurance that her work is valued
3. Agreeing (even volunteering) to do work that is out of scope
4. Doing her best to fill in the gaps for what others have not delivered
5. Discounting her fees, which she will surely be asked to do

Many professionals spend years (even decades) behaving like Pamela. Indeed, their clients and bosses are often very happy to encourage them to do so. However, there is a significant cost for this behaviour: not just for Pamela, but also for the people around her.

The impact of “client servitude”

Many professionals have values which include service. Whether they work in organisations or independently, they derive meaning from solving problems, helping others, nurturing teams and generally being of service at work. So far so good… No problem there!

However, there is a difference between service and servitude. Unfortunately for Pamela and others, this can be a blurry line; particularly when their lenses are clouded by the need for self-validation.

If you get your identity from solving other people’s problems (as so many professionals do), you run the risk of servitude.

Here are some of the risks to which Pamela is exposed:

1. Overwhelm and burnout. It’s hard to say No when your identity comes from saying Yes.
2. Overpromising and not being able to deliver
3. Being blamed for other people’s non-performance or non-delivery
4. Starting each day (and each meeting) with a lot of anxiety
5. Lack of sleep, intrusion of work into fun and relationships, stress in family life
6. Health issues such as indigestion, comfort eating or reliance on medication
7. A feeling of insecurity even when things are going well. Sometimes a nagging feeling of imposter syndrome.

The underlying identity issue(s)

There is more going on for Pamela than just a few issues of confidence. Neither will these behaviours go away as her business grows; indeed many of the above risks will increase in line with the workload.

There are two underlying issues that Pamela will need to address:

1. Disconnecting her professional identity from client satisfaction… ideally before her first burnout. For example, she can derive her professional identity from an insightful approach to her communication services; not from someone else’s evaluation of those.?
2. Once that is clear, really inhabiting her new identity. This means being the “thought leader” or “momentum driver” or “message orchestrator” that she sets out to be… without projecting what anyone else is thinking. It means rooting her identity in unconditional self-worth, rather than on fluctuating waves of self-esteem.

Of course it’s impossible to do b) without a)… and that’s where many professionals are stuck. They are still defining themselves by what they do (“coach”, “project-manager”, “web-developer” etc) and therefore there is no identity to inhabit.

How do I “inhabit”?

In the Self-Worth Safari I have described “inhabiting” as Shift #6 (p.150):

“Many people live their lives following the logic of Have, Do, Be. For example, when I have sufficient money/qualifications/ achievement, then I will do the things I want to do, and finally I will be the person I want to be. Self-worth is about consciously inverting this process. Starting by being the person I want to be (valuing myself), I now do the things that fit with my values (self-esteem) and end up (at least sometimes) having the things I want or need. The usual narrative is something like this:

· Have: “When I have a better job (or qualification) . . .”

· Do: “then I will be able to work fewer hours (or take care of

myself, or take holidays) . . .”

· Be: “and then I will be happier with myself.”

Inverting that usual narrative looks something like this:

· Be: “No matter what happens, I am going to be loyal to myself . . .”

· Do: “so I choose to make the best possible use of each hour of the day, without slipping into self-reproach or negative self-assessments . . .”

· Have: “in order to open up fresh possibilities of a better job (or a different situation in life).”

Releasing ourselves from what we “have” often seems most difficult when we “have not.” It’s relatively easy to dismiss the importance of money (or education or good looks or a valuable network) when we have these things. But privilege is always invisible. It’s a lot harder to set aside the absence of these things, which often takes real courage. But this is precisely when it’s most valuable to drop the attachment to have/have not. The day that a person can do so, without self-reproach, self-worth can really start to grow.

From personal experience, I find Be, Do, Have to be a very powerful way of thinking. The quality of my “doing” is better. My capacity to act is enhanced, when I let go of what I have or have not. I can live with the imperfections of circumstances—even the imperfections of myself. As you can imagine, there are still days when I get attached to doing (for example, getting through my tasks) or having (a new car, a publication credit, or a certain business success). In these moments, it takes conscious effort to refocus my attention on such questions as, Who am I being in the present moment? Every time I make the shift away from having or doing to being, I experience a lift in energy, usually within minutes. I can stop the tiresome scenario playing in my head and deal with present-moment reality. The doing somehow gets lighter and the having (or not having) less significant.

Inhabiting starts with being the thought-leader or innovator or nurturer… or whatever you want to be.

As a result, you start doing the things that flow from that… and in turn having the ideal conditions.? This is a conscious inversion of most people’s approach to professional life, which often begins with conditions such as qualifications or credentials or approval from the right people.?

The benefits

If Pamela can clarify her professional identity in communications and can fully inhabit this space, there are some things she will immediately notice:

1. A new sense of energy and enthusiasm in her work, often akin to the state of flow described by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi in his work. Knowing her professional identity means knowing who she is in her work and is not dependent on extrinsic validation.
2. She will be better able to make requests of others, to emphasise their contribution to the success of projects.?
3. She will be clear about who to work with… and who not to. A clear professional identity often acts as a filter.?
4. If her identity is deeply rooted in self-worth, she will be able to switch off and maintain boundaries.?
5. She will be more productive because she will be less worried about how she’s coming across.?
6. By being clear about the value of her work, she will be a better negotiator. As a result, her remuneration will be higher. She will be less prone to discounting her services and more likely to charge what she is worth.
7. Her time-management and productivity will improve. As professionals learn to fully inhabit their identity, their focus sharpens and they get more done. They are not distracted by useless self-assessments and are less prone to procrastination.?
8. She will be more daring and creative in finding solutions to problems.?
9. By being clear about what she stands for (and won’t accept), Pamela will be a better leader.?

Whatever your plans are for 2023, how can you start inhabiting your professional identity? Do you know what your identity is at work?? What pre-conditions are you waiting for… and why?

Resources

• Webinars on self-worth and professional identity: here
• Book a call here to discuss professional identity challenges, to explore in-house programs for your team, or to develop yourself as a Professional Identity Facilitator.
• Details of our group coaching programs, starting January 2023, can be found here

? John Niland, January 2023. For enquiries about John as coach or speaker, on topics of self-worth and professional identity, see www.selfworthacademy.com or email [email protected]