The Ingredients of Effective Conversations

I have to admit that baking is not my strength! I often feel as though I am producing an amazing cake or pudding, having added all the ingredients set out in the recipe, only to discover the ratios were not exact and my instincts were unreliable. Surely if I love honey and add more, the cake would just taste more like honey, right? Apparently not…in reality the cake may not rise, it could be too moist and it probably won’t look very appetising to others.

There are many ingredients to an effective conversation too and yet, how often do we rely on our subjective perception that the conversation is going well?

Much of my career has been spent supporting managers, leaders and executives to engage their teams, co-workers and clients effectively by use of meaningful and productive conversations. Yet, having observed many of these interactions it is clear to me that people engaged in a ‘flowing’ and seemingly comfortable conversations can leave the room with very different perspectives of what was said and the intent of the conversation.

Have you ever found yourself reflecting, post conversation; ‘I didn’t mean it like that…what I meant was…’ or ‘you have taken what I said in the wrong way’ or perhaps ‘I didn’t even say that?’

What probably happened was that the person you were conversing with, interpreted your words through their filter of previous experience, long standing values and an entire range of neurochemicals!

Our brain is not ‘wired’ to make us happy, but rather, to keep us safe and our subconscious mind actively seeks cues that could warn us about negative or dangerous ‘threats’ so that it can prepare a physiological response appropriate to the situation, such as the fight or flight response.

You may be wondering how that relates to our interactions with others?

Research into the neuroscience of conversations shows how our brain reacts to words and intentions in the same way it would to a physical threat. Words that are perceived as critical, judgmental and that exclude and minimise us, activate the neurochemistry that influences our response. Words can create a different reality and as Judith E. Glaser explains in her book Conversational Intelligence; the words and phrases we use can literally spark a stress response in those around us and even in ourselves! Increased secretion of adrenalin and the stress hormone cortisol actually mean that we are primed for a threat, to be defensive, possibly aggressive and at the very least, closed down and not ready to engage. This can all be happening subconsciously whilst the conscious mind makes sense of why we are feeling uncomfortable, defensive and reacting in a particular way. Typically, our instinctive response is to assume the other person has done something to provoke our discomfort.

By consciously changing our words and the way we choose to interact with others, we effectively ‘down-regulate’ the neurochemicals that could sabotage great outcomes. People tend to share innovative ideas and connect with their own potential when they are experiencing an environment of enhanced trust. The conversation cycle is a useful guide to help us stay mindful of what helps stimulate and sustain trust and engagment,

Leaders, trainers, facilitators and coaches can learn phrases, words and effective approaches that actually up-regulate ‘feel good’ hormones, such as Oxytocin, and enhance the sense of connectedness between themselves and their teams or co-workers. This, in turn, leads to Conversational Intelligence (C-IQ) and rather than the activation of neurochemicals; neural networks become engaged, contributing to the co-creation of amazing ideas, problem solving, strategic thinking and the enabling of potential!

Judith’s work on C-IQ is amazing and gaining momentum. Being a C-IQ style leader is becoming more desirable as neuroscience is utilised in the leadership space. If you wish to learn more about the neuroscience of conversations and how the research is informing leadership development, Best Hopes are offering team days, senior level group coaching and 1-1 executive coaching sessions, all of which focus on the current dynamics of your business and identify opportunities to up-regulate Oxytocin and down-regulate Cortisol by following the recipe!

We use our conversational cycle to give leaders the confidence and proficiency they need to stimulate effective neural networks in others. Consequently, mere interactions amongst co-workers, colleagues and teams become meaningful connections that cultivate trust and allow relationships to thrive.