Indistractable by Nir Eyal
Juan Carlos Zambrano
Gerente de Finanzas @ Tecnofarma Bolivia | Coaching ontologico
1 What’s Your Superpower?
I discovered that living the life we want requires not only doing the right things, it also requires that we stop doing the wrong things that take us off-track. We all know eating cake is worse for our waistline than having a healthy salad. We agree that aimlessly scrolling our social media feeds is not as enriching as being with real friends in real life. We understand that if we want to be more productive at work, we need to stop wasting time and actually do the work. We already know what to do: what we don’t know is how to stop getting distracted.
In researching and writing this book over the past five years, and by following the science-backed methods you’ll soon learn, I’m now more productive, physically and mentally stronger, better rested, and more fulfilled in my relationships than I’ve ever been. This book is about what I learned as I developed the most important skill for the twenty-first century. It’s about how I became indistractable, and how you can too
The first step is to recognise that distraction starts from within. In Part 1, you’ll learn practical ways to identify and manage the psychological discomfort that leads us off-track
Part 2 will look at the importance of making time for the things you really want to do. We’ll learn why you can’t call something a ‘distraction’ unless you know what it is distracting you from
Part 3 follows with a no-holds-barred examination of the unwanted external triggers that hamper our productivity and diminish our wellbeing
Part 4 holds the last key to making you indistractable: pacts, pacts are a proven way of reining ourselves in, ensuring we do what we say we’re going to do
Finally, we’ll take an in-depth look at how to make your workplace indistractable, raise indistractable kids and foster indistractable relationships
Imagine the incredible power of following through on your intentions. How much more effective would you be at work? How much more time could you spend with your family or doing the things you love? How much happier would you be?
What would life be like if your superpower was to be indistractable?
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2 Being Indistractable
You have to give it to the ancient Greeks for their allegories. It’s hard to portray a better representation of the human condition. We are constantly reaching for something: more money, more experiences, more knowledge, more status, more stuff. The ancient Greeks thought this was just part of the curse of being a fallible mortal and used the story to portray the power of our incessant desires
TRACTION AND DISTRACTION
Imagine a line that represents the value of everything you do throughout your day. To the right, the actions are positive; to the left, they are negative
On the right side of the continuum is ‘traction’, which comes from the Latin trahere, meaning to draw or pull. We can think of traction as the actions that draw us towards what we want in life. On the left side is ‘distraction’, the opposite of traction. With the same Latin root, the word means the ‘drawing away of the mind’.3 Distractions impede us from making progress towards the life we envisage
All behaviours, both traction and distraction, are prompted by triggers, whether internal or external. Internal triggers cue us from within. When we feel our belly growl, we look for a snack. When we’re cold, we find a coat to warm up. And when we’re sad, lonely or stressed, we might call a friend or loved one for support.
External triggers, on the other hand, are cues in our environment that tell us what to do next, like the pings, dings and rings that prompt us to check our email, answer a phone call or open a news alert. External triggers can also take the form of other people, such as a co-worker who stops by our desk. They can also be objects, like a television set whose mere presence urges us to turn it on.
Whether internal or external triggers prompt us, the resulting action is either aligned with our broader intention (traction), or misaligned (distraction). Traction helps us accomplish goals; distraction leads us away from them
The challenge, of course, is that our world has always been full of things designed to distract us
Today’s distractions, however, feel different. More data, transferred at faster speeds, enabling ubiquitous access to new content on our devices, means the world can be more distracting. If it’s a distraction you seek, it’s easier than ever to find
If you care about your work, your family and your physical and mental wellbeing, you must learn how to become indistractable. The four-part indistractable Model is a tool for seeing and interacting with the world in a new way. It will serve as your map for controlling your attention and choosing your life.
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Part 1 Master Internal Triggers
3 What Motivates Us Really?
For hundreds of years, we’ve believed that motivation is driven by reward and punishment
The reality, however, is even simpler than that: motivation has less to do with pleasure than was once thought.
Even when we think we’re seeking pleasure, we’re actually driven by the desire to free ourselves from the pain of wanting
The distractions in our lives are the result of the same forces at play – they are proximate causes that we think are to blame, while the root causes stay hidden. We tend to blame things like television, junk food, social media, cigarettes and video games – but these are all proximate causes of our distraction
Unless we deal with the root causes of our distraction, we’ll continue to find ways to distract ourselves. Distraction, it turns out, isn’t about the distraction itself; rather, it’s about how we respond to it
you’re trying to escape the pain of something as serious as impending divorce, the real problem is not your pedometer; without dealing with the discomfort driving the desire for escape, we’ll continue to resort to one distraction or another
Only by understanding our pain can we begin to control it and find better ways to deal with negative urges
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4 Time Management Is Pain Management
At first I didn’t want to believe the inconvenient truth behind what really drives distraction. But after digesting the scientific literature, I had to face the fact that the motivation for diversion originates within us. As is the case with all human behaviour, distraction is just another way our brains attempt to deal with pain. If we accept this fact, it makes sense that the only way to handle distraction is by learning to handle discomfort
If distraction costs us time, then time management is pain management
But where does our discomfort come from? Why are we perpetually restless and unsatisfied? We live in the safest, healthiest, most well-educated, most democratic time in human history
As a study published in Review of General Psychology notes, ‘If satisfaction and pleasure were permanent, there might be little incentive to continue seeking further benefits or advances.
Four psychological factors make satisfaction temporary
Let’s begin with the first factor: boredom. The lengths people will go to avoid boredom is shocking, sometimes literally so
The second psychological factor driving us to distraction is negativity bias, ‘a phenomenon in which negative events are more salient and demand attention more powerfully than neutral or positive events. Studies have found people are more likely to recall unhappy moments in their childhood, even if they would describe their upbringing as generally happy.9
The third factor is rumination, our tendency to keep thinking about bad experiences. If you’ve ever chewed over something in your mind that you did, or someone did to you, over and over again, seemingly unable to stop thinking about it, you’ve experienced rumination
Boredom, negativity bias and rumination can each drive us to distraction. But a fourth factor may be the cruellest of all. Hedonic adaptation – the tendency to return quickly to a baseline level of satisfaction no matter what happens to us in life – is Mother Nature’s bait-and-switch. All sorts of life events we think would make us happier actually don’t, or at least they don’t for long
Dissatisfaction and discomfort dominate our brain’s default state, but we can use them to motivate us instead of defeat us
Dissatisfaction is responsible for our species’ advances and its faults. To harness its power, we must disavow the misguided idea that if we’re not happy we’re not normal – exactly the opposite is true. While this shift in mindset can be jarring, it can also be incredibly liberating
It’s good to know that feeling bad isn’t actually bad; it’s exactly what survival of the fittest intended
From that place of acceptance, we stand a chance of avoiding the pitfalls of our psyches. We can recognise pain and rise above it, which is the first step on the road to becoming indistractable
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5 Deal with Distraction from Within
An endless cycle of resisting, ruminating, and finally giving in to the desire perpetuates the cycle and quite possibly drives many of our unwanted behaviours.
Certain desires can be modulated, if not completely mitigated, by how we think about our urges. In the following chapters, we’ll learn how to think differently about three things: the internal trigger, the task and our temperament
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6 Reimagine the Internal Trigger
While we can’t control the feelings and thoughts that pop into our heads, we can control what we do with them. Bricker’s work using acceptance and commitment therapy in smoking cessation programmes suggests we shouldn’t keep telling ourselves to stop thinking about an urge; instead, we must learn better ways to cope. The same applies to other distractions like checking our phones too much, eating junk food or excessive shopping. Rather than trying to fight the urge, we need new methods to handle intrusive thoughts. The following four steps help us do just that:
Step 1: Look for the discomfort that precedes the distraction, focusing in on the internal trigger
Step 2: Write down the trigger. Bricker advises writing down the trigger, whether or not you subsequently give in to the distraction, using ‘a journal, a piece of paper, a chart, or an app
Step 3: Explore your sensations. Bricker then recommends getting curious about that sensation
Step 4: Beware of liminal moments. Liminal moments are transitions from one thing to the other throughout our day
There’s nothing wrong with any of these actions per se. Rather, what’s dangerous is the fact that by doing them ‘for just a second’ we’re likely to do things we later regret, like getting off-track for half an hour or getting into a car accident.
This rule allows time to do what some behavioural psychologists call ‘surfing the urge’.4 When an urge takes hold, noticing the sensations and riding them like a wave – neither pushing them away nor acting on them – helps us cope until the feelings subside.
Techniques like surfing the urge and thinking of our cravings as leaves on a stream are mental skill-building exercises that can help us stop impulsively giving in to distractions
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7 Reimagine the Task
Given what we know about our propensity for distraction when we’re uncomfortable, reimagining difficult work as fun could prove incredibly empowering. Imagine how powerful you’d feel if you were able to transform the hard, focused work you have to do into something that felt like play. Is that even possible? Bogost thinks it is, but probably not in the way you think.
Fun and play don’t have to make us feel good per se; rather, they can be used as tools to keep us focused
Countless commercially produced distractions, like television or social media, use slot machine-like variable rewards to keep us engaged with a constant stream of newness. But Bogost points out that we can use the same techniques to make any task more pleasurable and compelling.
We can use the same neural hardwiring that keeps us hooked to media to keep us engaged in an otherwise unpleasant task
While learning how to have fun cutting grass may seem like a stretch, people find fun in a wide range of activities that you might not find particularly interesting
Fun is looking for the variability in something other people don’t notice. It’s breaking through the boredom and monotony to discover its hidden beauty
The great thinkers and tinkerers of history made their discoveries because they were obsessed with the intoxicating draw of discovery – the mystery that pulls us in because we want to know more.
But remember: finding novelty is only possible when we give ourselves the time to focus intently on a task and look hard for the variability
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8 Reimagine Your Temperament
To manage the discomfort that tugs us towards distraction, we need to think of ourselves differently. The way we perceive our temperament, which is defined as ‘a person’s or animal’s nature, especially as it permanently affects their behaviour’,1 has a profound impact on how we behave
One of the most pervasive bits of folk psychology is the belief that self-control is limited; that by the nature of our temperament we only have so much willpower available to us. Furthermore, the thinking goes, we are liable to run out of willpower when we exert ourselves. Psychologists have a name for this phenomenon: ‘ego depletion’.
People who did not see willpower as a finite resource did not show signs of ego depletion
Just let that sink in – mindset mattered as much as physical dependence! What we say to ourselves is vitally important. Labelling yourself as having poor self-control actually leads to less self-control.13 Rather than telling ourselves we failed because we’re somehow deficient, we should offer self-compassion by speaking to ourselves with kindness when we experience setbacks
Several studies have found people who are more self-compassionate experience a greater sense of wellbeing
The good news is that we can change the way we talk to ourselves in order to harness the power of self-compassion. This doesn’t mean we won’t mess up; we all do. Everyone struggles with distraction from one thing or another. The important thing is to take responsibility for our actions without heaping on the toxic guilt that makes us feel even worse and can, ironically, lead us to seek even more distraction, in order to escape the pain of shame.
Self-compassion makes people more resilient to letdowns by breaking the vicious cycle of stress that often accompanies failure.
If you find yourself listening to the little voice in your head that sometimes bullies you around, it’s important to know how to respond. Instead of accepting what the voice says or arguing with it, remind yourself that obstacles are part of the process of growth. We don’t get better without practice, which can be clumsy and difficult at times
A good rule of thumb is to talk to yourself the way you might talk to a friend. Since we know so much about ourselves, we tend to be our own worst critics, but if we talk to ourselves the way we’d help a friend, we can see the situation for what it really is. Telling yourself, ‘This is what it’s like to get better at something’ and ‘You’re on your way’ is a healthier way to handle self-doubt
Reimagining the internal trigger, the task and our temperament are powerful and proven ways to deal with distractions that start within us. We can cope with uncomfortable internal triggers by reflecting on, rather than reacting to, our discomfort. We can reimagine the task we’re trying to accomplish by looking for the fun in it and focusing on it more intensely. Finally, and most importantly, we can change the way we see ourselves to get rid of self-limiting beliefs
If we believe we’re short on willpower and self-control, then we will be. If we decide we’re powerless to resist temptation, it becomes true. If we tell ourselves we’re deficient by nature, we’ll believe every word
Thankfully, you don’t have to believe everything you think; you are only powerless if you think you are
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Part 2 Make Time for Traction
9 Turn Your Values into Time
Traction draws you towards what you want in life, while distraction pulls you away. In Part 1, we learned ways to cope with the internal triggers that can drive us to distraction and how to reduce the sources of discomfort: if we don’t control our impulse to escape uncomfortable feelings, we’ll always look for quick fixes to soothe our pain
The next step is to find ways to make traction more likely, starting with how we spend our time. The German philosopher Johann Wolfgang von Goethe believed the way someone spent their time could tell you everything. ‘If I know how you spend your time,’ he wrote, ‘then I know what might become of you
When it comes to planning our schedule, where do we begin? The standard approach is to make a to-do list. We write down all the things we want to do and hope we’ll find the time throughout the day to do them. Unfortunately, this method has some serious flaws. Anyone who has tried keeping such a list knows many tasks tend to get pushed from one day to the next, and the next. Instead of starting with what we’re going to do, we should begin with why we’re going to do it. And to do that, we must begin with our values.
According to Russ Harris, author of The Happiness Trap, values are ‘how we want to be, what we want to stand for, and how we want to relate to the world around us’.5 They are attributes of the person we want to be
Though some values carry over into all facets of life, most are specific to one area
The trouble is, we don’t make time for our values. We unintentionally spend too much time in one area of our life at the expense of others
Though each of us may subscribe to different values, it’s helpful to categorise them into various life domains, a concept that is thousands of years old. The Stoic philosopher Hierocles demonstrated the interconnected nature of our lives by the use of concentric circles.6 He placed the human mind and body at the centre, followed by family in the next ring, fellow citizens and countrymen next, and all humanity in the outermost ring
Inspired by his example, I created a way to simplify and visualise the three life domains where we spend our time
The three life domains: you, relationships and work
These three domains describe with whom we spend our time. They give us a way to think about how we plan our days so that we can become an authentic reflection of the person we want to be.
In order to live our values in each of these domains, we must reserve time in our schedules to do so. Without planning ahead, it’s impossible even to tell the difference between traction and distraction.
You can’t call something a distraction unless you know what it’s distracting you from
The most effective way to make time for traction is through timeboxing. Timeboxing uses a well-researched technique psychologists call ‘setting an implementation intention’, which is a fancy way of saying ‘deciding what you’re going to do, and when you’re going to do it’.8 It’s a technique that can be used to make time for traction in each of your life domains
The goal is to eliminate all white space in your calendar, so you’re left with a template for how you intend to spend your time each day
How much time in each domain would allow you to be consistent with your values? Start by creating a weekly calendar template for your perfect week
Next, set aside fifteen minutes on your schedule every week to reflect and refine your calendar by asking yourself two questions
Question 1 (Reflect): ‘When in my schedule did I do what I said I would do and when did I get distracted?’
Question 2 (Refine): ‘Are there changes I can make to my calendar that will give me the time I need to better express my values?’
When our lives change, our schedules can, too. But once our schedule is set, the idea is to stick with it until we decide to improve it on the next go-round. Approaching the exercise of making a schedule as a curious scientist, rather than a drill sergeant, gives us the freedom to get better with each iteration
Before moving on, consider what your schedule currently looks like. I’m not asking about the things you did, but, rather, the things you committed to doing in writing
By turning our values into time, we make sure we have time for traction. If we don’t plan ahead, we shouldn’t point fingers or be surprised that everything becomes a distraction. Being indistractable is largely about making sure you make time for traction each day and eliminating the distraction that keeps you from living the life you want – one that involves taking care of yourself, your relationships and your work
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10 Control the Inputs, Not the Outcomes
In this visual representation of your life, you are at the centre of the three domains. As with everything valuable, you require maintenance and care, which takes time
Exercise, sleep, eating healthily and time spent reading or listening to an audiobook are all ways to invest in ourselves
Taking care of yourself is at the core of the three domains because the other two depend on your health and wellness
We can start by prioritising and timeboxing ‘You’ time. At a basic level, we need time in our schedules for sleep, hygiene and proper nourishment
when it comes to our time, we should stop worrying about outcomes we can’t control and instead focus on the inputs we can. The positive results of the time we spend doing something is a hope, not a certainty
The one thing we control is the time we put into a task
We tend to think we can solve our distraction problems by trying to get more done each minute, but the real problem is more often not giving ourselves time to do what we say we will. By timeboxing ‘You’ time and faithfully following through, we keep the promises we make to ourselves
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11 Schedule Important Relationships
Family and friends help us live our values of connection, loyalty and responsibility.
One of my most important values is to be a caring, involved and fun dad. While I aspire to live out this value, being a fully present dad is not always ‘convenient
To combat this problem, I’ve intentionally scheduled time with my daughter every week
Similarly, my wife Julie and I make sure we have time scheduled for each other
Equality is another value in my marriage. I always thought I behaved in a way that upheld that value
There’s no doubt scheduling time for family and ensuring they were no longer the residual beneficiary of my time greatly improved my relationship with my wife and daughter
The people we love most should not be content with getting whatever time is left over. Everyone benefits when we hold time on our schedule to live up to our values and do our share
This domain extends beyond just family. Not scheduling time for the important relationships in our lives is more harmful than most people realise
The most important element of the gathering is its consistency
No matter what kind of activity fulfils your need for friendship, it’s essential to make time in your calendar for it. The time we spend with our friends isn’t just pleasurable – it’s an investment in our future health and wellbeing.
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12 Sync with Stakeholders at Work
Unlike the other life domains, I don’t need to remind you to make time for work
Work can help people live their values of being collaborative, industrious and persistent
Staying late at work or feeling pressured to reply to work-related messages after hours means spending less time with our family and friends or doing something for ourselves
In fact, studies have found that workers who spend more than fifty-five hours per week on the job have reduced productivity; this problem is further compounded by their making more mistakes and inflicting more useless work on their colleagues, resulting in getting even less done in more time.2
What’s the solution to this madness?
Using a detailed, timeboxed schedule helps clarify the central trust pact between employers and employees
If your schedule can be synced weekly, then review it and get agreement for that period, but if your schedule changes daily, getting into the routine of a brief, daily check-in with your manager will serve you both well. If you report to multiple bosses, a timeboxed calendar can serve as a way to get alignment around how you spend your time. There’s no mystery about what’s getting done when there’s transparency in your schedule
Whether at work, at home or on our own, planning ahead and timeboxing our schedules is an essential step to becoming indistractable.
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Part 3 Hack Back External Triggers
13 Ask the Critical Question
We discussed internal triggers in a previous section, but when it comes to the products we use every day and the interruptions that lead to distraction, external triggers – stimuli in our environment that prompt us to act – play a big role
Today, much of our struggle with distraction is a struggle with external triggers
Perhaps the answer is simply to ignore the external triggers. Maybe if we don’t act on the notifications, phone calls and interruptions, we can go about our business and quickly silence the interruptions when they happen
Not so fast. A study published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology: Human Perception and Performance found that receiving a cell phone notification but not replying to it was just as distracting as responding to a message or call
How, then, can we separate the good external triggers from the bad? The secret lies in the answer to a critical question:
Is this trigger serving me, or am I serving it?
Remember that, as the Fogg Behaviour Model describes, any behaviour requires three things: motivation, ability and a trigger. The good news is that removing unhelpful external triggers is a simple step towards controlling unwanted distractions
Viewed through the lens of this critical question, triggers can now be identified for precisely what they are: tools. If we use them properly, they can help us stay on track
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14 Hack Back Work Interruptions
Interruptions clearly have an impact on our work performance for any job requiring focus. Unfortunately, interruptions are pervasive in today’s workplace
Given the toll distractions can take on our cognitive capabilities, it’s time we took action, just as Becky Richards did. While I’m not advocating the wearing of bright orange ‘Do Not Disturb’ vests at the office, nor am I insisting on a floor-plan overhaul, I am suggesting a solution that is explicit and effective at deterring interruptions from co-workers
If you visit?NirAndFar.com/Indistractable , you’ll find a card that you can download and print. The card contains, in a large font, a simple request to passers-by, ‘I need to focus right now but please come back soon’
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15 Hack Back Email
Email is the curse of the modern worker. Some basic maths reveals just how big the problem is. The average professional employee receives one hundred messages per day
Realistically, though, that’s a very conservative estimate, since those three hours and twenty minutes don’t include the time wasted in getting back to the job in hand between checking emails
Why is email such a persistent problem? The answer can be found in understanding our psychology. Email is perhaps the mother of all habit-forming products. For one thing, it provides a variable reward. As the psychologist B. F. Skinner famously discovered, pigeons pecked at levers more often when given a reward on a variable schedule of reinforcement
Finally, and perhaps most materially, email is a tool we have little choice but to use. For most of us, our jobs depend on it and it is so woven into our daily work and personal lives that giving it up would be a threat to our livelihood
The amount of time we spend on email can be boiled down to an equation. The total time spent on email per day (T) is a function of the number of messages received (n) multiplied by the average time (t) spent on each message, so T = n × t. I like to remember ‘TNT’ to remind me how email can blow up a well-planned day
To reduce the total amount of time we spend on email per day, we need to address both the ‘n’ and ‘t’ variables. Let’s first explore ways to reduce the ‘n’, the total number of messages received.
Given our tendency for reciprocity, when we send a message it is likely the receiver will reply immediately, perpetuating the endless cycle
To receive fewer emails, we must send fewer emails
It seems obvious, but most of us don’t observe this basic fact. So strong is our need to reciprocate that we reply to messages moments after they’re received – nights, weekends, holidays, it doesn’t seem to matter
Most emails we send and receive are not urgent. Yet our brain’s weakness for variable rewards makes us treat every message, regardless of form, as if it’s time-sensitive
OPEN UP ‘OFFICE HOURS’
In my case, I receive dozens of emails every day asking me to discuss something related to my books or articles. I love talking with my readers, but if I responded to each email I wouldn’t have time for anything else. Instead, to reduce the number of emails I send and receive, I schedule ‘office hours
SLOW DOWN AND DELAY DELIVERY
Following the maxim that the key to receiving fewer emails is sending fewer emails, it’s worth considering how we can slow down the email ping-pong game by sending emails well after we write them
Thankfully, technology can help. Instead of banging out a reply and hitting send right away, email programmes like Microsoft Office5 and tools like Mixmax6 for Gmail allow us to delay a message’s delivery
ELIMINATE UNWANTED MESSAGES
Finally, there’s one more highly effective method for reducing inbound emails. Every day we’re targeted by an endless torrent of spam, marketing emails and newsletters. Some are helpful, but most are not
Now that we’ve covered ways to reduce the number of emails we receive (the ‘n’ in our equation), let’s transition to the second variable: the amount of time (‘t’) we spend writing emails
Checking email isn’t so much the problem; it’s the habitual rechecking that gets us into trouble
PLAY TAG
Because we forget when the sender needs a reply, we waste time rereading the message
The solution to this mania is simple: only touch each email twice. The first time we open an email, only do one thing before closing it: Answer this question, ‘When does this email require a response?’ Tagging each email as either ‘Today’ or ‘This Week’ attaches the most important information to each new message, preparing it for the second (and last) time we open it
My daily schedule includes dedicated time for replying to emails I’ve tagged ‘Today’.
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16 Hack Back Group Chat
Even though the real-time nature of group chat is exactly what makes it so unique, Fried believes, ‘Right now should be the exception, not the rule.’2 Here are four basic rules for effectively managing group chat:
Rule 1: Use It Like a Sauna. We should use group chat in the same way we use other synchronous communication channels
Rule 2: Schedule It. The single-line commentaries, GIFs and emojis commonly used in group chats create an ongoing stream of external triggers, often moving us further away from traction
Rule 3: Be Picky. When it comes to group chat, be selective about who’s invited into the conversation
Rule 4: Use It Selectively. Group chat is best avoided altogether when sensitive topics are being discussed
Instead of using group chat for long arguments and hurried decisions, it’s better to ask participants in the conversation to articulate their point in a document and share it after they’ve compiled their thoughts
Ultimately, group chat is simply another communication channel, not so dissimilar from email or text messages
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17 Hack Back Meetings
Meetings today are full of people barely paying attention as they send emails to each other about how bored they are
The primary objective of most meetings should be to gain consensus around a decision, not giving the meeting organiser a forum to hear themselves think
These two steps require a bit more effort up front, but that’s exactly the point. Requiring an agenda and a brief not only saves everyone time by getting to the answer faster, but also cuts down on unnecessary meetings by asking for a bit of effort on the part of the organiser before calling one.
But what about sharing collective wisdom and brainstorming? Those are good things, just not in meetings of more than two people. Unless the meeting is called because of an emergency or as an open forum to listen to employee concerns
Next, if the meeting is going to happen, we need to follow the same rules of synchronous communication discussed in the last chapter on group chat.
Once we’re in the meeting, there’s a new problem: people on their devices instead of being fully present
Watching others use their devices in meetings escalates an arms race of perceived productivity and paranoia
To stay indistractable in meetings, we must rid them of nearly all screens. I’ve conducted countless workshops and have observed a stark difference between meetings in which tech use was permitted versus those that were device-free, and meetings without screens generated far more engaged discussion and better outcomes
If we are going to spend our time in a meeting, we must make sure that we are present, both in body and mind.
If slides need to be presented on-screen, designate one member of the team to present from their computer or have a dedicated laptop that stays in the meeting room
Despite the potential for increased engagement in tech-free meetings, some of us may be squeamish about the idea and may protest that we need our devices for taking notes or accessing files
Reducing unnecessary meetings by increasing the effort of calling one, following good rules of synchronous communication, and ensuring people are engaged in the meeting instead of on their devices, will make them much less awful
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领英推荐
18 Hack Back Your Smartphone
It’s clear that many people, myself included, are dependent on their smartphones
The good news is that being dependent is not the same thing as being addicted
Here are my four steps to hacking back your smartphone and saving yourself countless hours of mindless phone time
Step 1: Remove. The first step to managing distraction on our phones is to remove the apps we no longer need
Step 2: Replace. Purging my unused apps was easy because saying goodbye to apps I never used didn’t invoke an emotional response. However, the next step involved removing apps I loved
For instance, I often found myself checking Facebook, Twitter or YouTube on my phone when I’d planned to spend time with my daughter
Because removing these services completely wasn’t something I wanted to do, I found my solution by replacing when and where I used them
Step 3: Rearrange. Now that we are left only with our critical mobile apps, it’s time to make our phones less cluttered and, consequently, less distracting. The aim is that nothing on our phones is able to pull us away from traction when we unlock our devices
Stubblebine recommends sorting your apps into three categories: ‘Primary Tools’, ‘Aspirations’ and ‘Slot Machines’.2 Primary Tools, he says, ‘help you accomplish defined tasks that you rely on frequently: getting a ride, finding a location, adding an appointment. There should be no more than five or six.’ He calls Aspirations ‘the things you want to spend time doing: meditation, yoga, exercise, reading books, or listening to podcasts’. Third, Stubblebine calls Slot Machines ‘the apps that you open and get lost in: email, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc’.
Step 4: Reclaim. It’s up to us to make adjustments to suit our needs; the app makers won’t do it for us. But which app notifications should we disable, and how? Now that we’ve whittled down the number of apps on our phones, we can adjust our notification settings. This step took me about thirty minutes but it was the most life-changing.
In my experience it is worth adjusting two kinds of notification permissions
Thankfully, my iPhone comes with two incredibly helpful ‘Do Not Disturb‘ features
The first is the standard ‘Do Not Disturb’, which can be programmed to prevent all notifications reaching you, including calls and texts
The second feature is the ‘Do Not Disturb While Driving’ mode, which blocks calls and texts but also sends a message back to the sender that informs them you can’t pick up the phone at the moment. You can even customise the message to let people know you are indistractable.
There are many things you can do to remove the unwanted external triggers on your phones. As powerful as the app makers’ tricks may be, they are no match for removing, replacing, rearranging and reclaiming the apps that don’t serve you. By taking a fraction of the time you would otherwise spend getting distracted by your phone, you can customise it to eliminate unhelpful external triggers
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19 Hack Back Your Desktop
Van Els discovered that a cluttered desktop doesn’t just look ugly; it’s also costly. For one, there are cognitive costs. A study by researchers at Princeton University found people performed poorly on cognitive tasks when objects in their field of vision were in disarray as opposed to neatly arranged
Removing unnecessary external triggers from our line of sight declutters our workspace and frees the mind to concentrate on what’s really important
Inspired, I decided to follow Van Els and implement a clean sweep of my own. With the exception of one or two files I will work on over the week, I put everything on my formerly cluttered desktop into one folder labelled ‘Everything
I also hacked the ‘Do Not Disturb’ feature so that it remained on at all times by setting it to turn on at 7 a.m. and turn off one minute earlier.
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20 Hack Back Online Articles
I never read articles in my web browser.
I started by installing an app called Pocket on my phone, along with its browser extension on my laptop.1 In order to abide by my ‘never read articles in my browser’ rule, I simply click the Pocket button in my browser every time I see an article I’d like to read. Pocket then pulls the text from the web page and saves it (without ads and any other superfluous content) to the app on my phone.
The evidence is pretty clear that humans are awful at doing two complex tasks at once. Generally speaking, we commit more errors when juggling many tasks at the same time, and we also take longer – sometimes twice as long – to complete the tasks.2 Scientists believe this wasted time and decreased proficiency occurs because the brain has to work hard to refocus attention.
First, the brain has a limit on its processing horsepower – the more concentration a task requires, the less room it has for anything else. That’s why we can’t solve two maths problems at the same time.
Second, the brain has a limited number of attention channels, and it can only make sense of one sensory signal at a time
However, although we can only receive information from one visual or auditory source at a time, we are perfectly capable of processing multichannel inputs. Scientists call this ‘crossmodal attention’ and it allows our brains to place certain mental processes on autopilot while we think about other things
As long as we’re not required to concentrate too much on any one channel, we’re able to do more than one thing at a time
Studies have found that people can do some things better when they engage multiple sensory inputs. For example, some types of learning are enhanced when people also engage their auditory, visual and tactile senses at the same time
Every time I go to the gym or take a long walk, I get to listen to articles read to me through the Pocket app’s text-to-speech capabilities. The built-in reading feature is astounding and the HAL 9000 voice of the internet has been replaced by a British chap with a cheery disposition who reads the articles I’ve selected, advert-free.
Getting through my articles feels like a small reward, often encouraging me to workout or take a stroll while satisfying my need for intellectual stimulation and saving me the temptation of reading at my desk. That, folks, is what we call a triple win in the hack back battle against distraction!
Multichannel multitasking is an underutilised tactic for getting more out of each day. We can build this technique into our schedules to help us make more time for traction and use temptation bundling to make activities like exercising more enjoyable
My hack is one method for conquering the seductive draw of reading ‘just one more thing’ or having one more tab open ‘for later’. By replacing my bad habits with new rules and tools, I’ve increased my productivity and kept HAL’s seductive call at bay. Today, when online articles tempt me to keep clicking, I respond robotically, ‘I’m sorry, internet, I’m afraid I can’t do that.’
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21 Hack Back Feeds
On the New York City subway, I often find myself surrounded by a sea of social media scrollers, their heads down as they try to reach a mythical News Feed finish line before they reach their stops. Social media is a particularly devilish source of distraction: sites like Twitter, Instagram and Reddit are designed to spawn external triggers – news, updates and notifications galore
A free web browser extension called News Feed Eradicator for Facebook does exactly what it says: it eliminates the source of countless alluring external triggers and replaces them with an inspirational quote
Personally, I still use Facebook, but now I use it the way I want instead of the way Facebook intended. When I want to see updates from a certain friend or participate in the discussion happening in a particular Facbook group, I go straight to the page I want instead of having to wrestle myself away from the News Feed.
Though technologies like Todobook work across several other social media sites including Reddit and Twitter, there’s also another way to avoid distractions
By avoiding the feed, I’m much more likely to use social media mindfully while still allowing time to connect with others proactively
Overcoming the countless external triggers on social media, from news feeds to suggested videos, represents a significant step in our quest to become indistractable. Regardless of the exact tool we choose, the key is to regain control over our experiences rather than allowing feeds to control us
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Part 4 Prevent Distraction with Pacts
22 The Power of Precommitments
Although researchers are still studying why it is so effective, precommitment is in fact an age-old tactic. Perhaps the most iconic precommitment in history appears in the ancient telling of the Odyssey. In the story, Ulysses must sail his ship and crew past the land of the Sirens, who sing a bewitching song known to draw sailors to their shores. When sailors approach, they wreck their ships on the Sirens’ rocky coast and perish.
Knowing the danger ahead, Ulysses hatches a clever plan to avoid this fate. He orders his men to fill their ears with beeswax so they cannot hear the Sirens’ call. Everyone follows Ulysses’ orders, with the exception of Ulysses who wants to hear the beautiful song for himself
But Ulysses knows that he will be tempted either to steer his ship towards the rocks or jump into the sea to reach the Sirens. To safeguard himself and his men, he instructs his crew to tie him to the mast of the ship and orders them neither to set him free, nor change course until the ship is in the clear, no matter what he says or does. The crew follows Ulysses’ commands, and, as the ship passes the Sirens’ shores, he is driven temporarily insane by their song. In a fury, he calls for his men to let him go, but since they cannot hear the Sirens or their captain they navigate past the danger safely.
A ‘Ulysses pact’ is defined as ‘a freely made decision that is designed and intended to bind oneself in the future’,6 and is a type of precommitment we still use today. For example, we precommit to advanced healthcare directives to let our doctors and family members know our intentions should we lose our ability to make sound judgements. We precommit to our financial security by depositing money in retirement accounts with steep penalties for early withdrawal to ensure we don’t spend funds we’ll need later in life. We covet the fidelity that is promised in a lifelong relationship bound by the contract of marriage.
The most effective time to introduce a precommitment is after we’ve addressed the first three aspects of the indistractable Model.
If we haven’t fundamentally dealt with the internal triggers driving us towards distraction, as we learned in Part 1, we’ll be set up for failure. Similarly, if we haven’t set aside time for traction, as we learned in Part 2, our precommitments will be useless. And finally, if we don’t first remove the external triggers that don’t serve us before we make a precommitment, it’s probably not going to work. Precommitments are the last line of defence preventing us from sliding into distraction. In the next few chapters, we’ll explore the three kinds of precommitments we can use to keep ourselves on track.
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23 Prevent Distraction with Effort Pacts
An effort pact prevents distraction by making unwanted behaviours more difficult to do
An explosion of new products and services is vying to help us make effort pacts with our digital devices. Whenever I write on my laptop, for instance, I click on the SelfControl app, which blocks my access to a host of distracting websites like Facebook and Reddit, as well as my email account.2 I can set it to block these sites for as much time as I need, typically in forty-five-minute to one-hour increments. Another app called Freedom is a bit more sophisticated and blocks potential distractions not only on my computer but also on mobile devices
Effort pacts make us less likely to abandon the task at hand. Whether we make them with friends and colleagues, or via tools like Forest, SelfControl, FocusMate or Kitchen Safe, effort pacts are a simple yet highly effective way to keep us from getting distracted.
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24 Prevent Distraction with Price Pacts
A price pact is a type of precommitment that involves putting money on the line to encourage us to do what we say we will. Stick to your intended behaviour and keep the cash; get distracted and you forfeit the funds. It sounds harsh, but the results are stunning
I decided to make a price pact with myself. After making time in my timeboxed schedule, I taped a crisp hundred-dollar bill to the calendar on my wall, next to the date of my upcoming workout. Then I bought a 99 cent lighter and placed it nearby. Every day, I had a daily choice to make: I would either burn the calories by exercising or burn the hundred-dollar bill. Unless I was certifiably sick, those were the only two options I allowed myself
Any time I found myself coming up with petty excuses, I had a crystal-clear external trigger that reminded me of the precommitment had I made to myself and to my health. I know what you’re thinking, ‘That’s too extreme! You can’t burn money like that!’ That’s exactly my point. I’ve used this ‘burn or burn’ technique for over three years and have gained twelve pounds of muscle, without ever burning the hundred dollars
A price pact is effective because it moves the pain of losing to the present moment as opposed to a distant future. There’s also nothing special about the dollar amount so long as it hurts to lose the sum
By this point, you may think price pacts are an impenetrable defence against distraction. Why not just make the cost of distraction so high that you always stay on track? The fact is, price pacts aren’t for everyone and for every situation. While price pacts can be highly effective, they come with some caveats. To experience the best results with price pacts, we need to be aware of and plan for their pitfalls
Pitfall #1: Price pacts aren’t good at changing behaviours with external triggers you can’t escape
Pitfall #2: Price pacts should only be used for short tasks
Pitfall #3: Entering a price pact is scary
Pitfall #4: Price pacts aren’t for people who beat themselves up
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25 Prevent Distraction with Identity Pacts
One of the most effective ways to change our behaviour is to change our identity
Our self-image has a sizeable impact on our behaviour and has implications well beyond the voting booth. Identity is another cognitive shortcut that helps our brains make otherwise difficult choices in advance, thereby streamlining decision-making
Our perception of who we are changes what we do
The way we think of ourselves also has a profound impact on how we deal with distractions and unintended behaviours
By aligning our behaviours to our identity, we make choices based on who we believe we are
With that in mind, what identity should we take on to help fight distraction? It should now be clear why this book is titled Indistractable
Telling others about your new identity is a great way to solidify your pact
According to several recent studies, preaching to others can greatly impact the motivation and adherence of the teacher
Another way to reinforce our identity is through rituals
New research suggests that secular rituals, in the workplace and in everyday life, can have a powerful effect
Though conventional wisdom says our beliefs shape our behaviours, the opposite is also true
I also find opportunities to label myself as indistractable. For instance, when I’m working from home, I tell my wife and daughter that I’m indistractable prior to starting a focused work block
By making identity pacts, we are able to build the self-image we want. Whether the behaviour is related to what we eat, how we treat others or how we manage distraction, this technique can help shape our behaviour to reflect our values
Now that you know the four parts of the indistractable Model, you’re ready to put these strategies to work. Make sure you can draw out the four parts of the model (traction/distraction, internal triggers/external triggers) so you can share the model with others as well as have ready access to it the next time you find yourself struggling with distraction
Up to now we’ve focused primarily on what you can do to become indistractable. But we must acknowledge that we work and live with other people. In the next section, we’ll dive into how workplace culture affects distraction
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Part 5 How to Make Your Workplace Indistractable
26 Distraction Is a Sign of Dysfunction
The modern workplace is a constant source of distraction
While learning to control distractions on our own is important, what do we do when our jobs repeatedly insist on interrupting our plans? How can we do what is best for our careers, not to mention our companies, when we’re constantly distracted? Is today’s always-on work environment the inescapable new normal or is there a better way?
Technology is not the root cause of distraction at work. The problem goes much deeper.
If a manager sent an email at an hour traditionally reserved for one’s family or sleep, it would be read and replied to. If a manager wanted a meeting to discuss whatever they felt needed discussing, despite other pressing matters, the team would drop everything and attend the meeting
The addition of technology to this corrosive culture made things worse
Dysfunctional work culture is the real culprit.
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27 Fixing Distraction Is a Test of Company Culture
A common workplace dilemma that was often dismissed as ‘the way things had to be’ could be solved if people had a safe space to talk about the issue, without fear of being labelled as ‘lazy’ for wanting to turn off their phones and computers for a few hours.
What had started as a discussion about disconnecting became a forum for open dialogue
Companies consistently confuse the disease of bad culture with symptoms like tech overuse and high employee turnover
The researchers found ‘five key dynamics that set successful teams apart’, including dependability, structure and clarity, meaning, and impact. However, ‘far and away the most important of the five dynamics we found … the underpinning of the other four’ was something called ‘psychological safety’. Rozovsky continued:
Individuals on teams with higher psychological safety are less likely to leave Google, they’re more likely to harness the power of diverse ideas from their teammates, they bring in more revenue, and they’re rated as effective twice as often by executives
The term ‘psychological safety’ was coined by Dr Amy Edmondson, an organisational behavioural scientist at Harvard. Edmondson defines psychological safety as ‘a belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes
Knowing that your voice matters, and that you’re not stuck in an uncaring, unchangeable machine, positively impacts wellbeing
How does a team, or a company for that matter, create psychological safety? Edmondson provides a three-step answer in her TEDx talk:4
Step 1: ‘Frame the work as a learning problem, not an execution problem.’ Because the future is uncertain, emphasise that ‘we’ve got to have everyone’s brains and voices in the game,’ says Edmonson.
Step 2: ‘Acknowledge your own fallibility.’ Managers need to let people know that nobody has all the answers – that we’re in this together.
Step 3: Finally, she suggests that leaders must ‘Model curiosity and ask lots of questions’.
Only when companies give employees a psychologically safe place to air concerns and solve problems together can they solve some of their biggest workplace challenges. Creating an environment where employees can do their best without distraction puts the quality of the organisation’s culture to the test. In the next chapter we’ll learn from companies that pass with flying colours.
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28 The indistractable Workplace
If there’s one technology that embodies the unreasonable demands of the always-on work culture that pervades so many companies today, it’s Slack. The group chat app can make users feel tethered to their devices, often at the expense of doing more important tasks.
More than ten million people log on to Slack every day.1 The platform’s employees, of course, use Slack – they use it a lot. And if distraction is caused by technology, then they should surely suffer the consequences. Surprisingly, according to media reports and Slack employees I spoke with, the company doesn’t have that problem
Slack’s corporate culture is an example of a work environment that hasn’t succumbed to the maddening cycle of responsiveness endemic to so many organisations today.
As one former employee said of Slack, ‘They really did try to be a psychologically safe company. It’s just that not everyone was equally skilled at maneuvering some of those nuances.’ Creating the kind of company where people feel comfortable raising concerns without the fear of getting fired takes work and vigilance.
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Part 6 How to Raise indistractable Children (And Why We All Need Psychological Nutrients)
29 Avoid Convenient Excuses
Society’s fear of what a potential distraction like the smartphone is doing to our kids has reached fever pitch
Convinced by the ominous headlines and fed up with their kids’ tech distractions, some parents have resorted to extreme measures. A search on YouTube reveals thousands of videos of parents storming into their kids’ rooms, unplugging the computers or gaming consoles and smashing the devices to bits in order to teach their kids a lesson.4 At least, that’s their hope
My wife and I needed to help our daughter develop a healthy relationship with tech and other potential distractions, but first had to work out what was causing her behaviour. As we’ve learned throughout this book, simple answers to complex questions are often wrong, and it is far too easy to blame behaviour parents don’t like on something other than ourselves.
Another classic excuse in the parental toolkit of blame deflection is the ‘common knowledge’ that teens are rebellious by nature. Everyone knows that teenagers act horribly towards their parents because their raging hormones and underdeveloped brains make them act that way. Wrong
Studies have found that teenagers in many societies, particularly pre-industrialised ones, don’t act especially rebelliously and, conversely, spend ‘almost all their time with adults
When kids act in ways we don’t like, parents have always craved an answer to the question ‘why is my kid acting this way?’ There’s certainty in a scapegoat and we often cling to simple answers because they serve a story we want to believe – that kids do strange things because of something outside our control, which means that those behaviours are not really their (or our) fault.
Of course, technology plays a role. Smartphone apps and video games are designed to be engaging, just as sugar is meant to be delicious. But like the parent who blames a ‘sugar high’ for their kid’s bad behaviour, blaming devices is a superficial answer to a deep question. Easy answers mean we don’t have to look into the dark and complex truth underlying why kids behave the way they do. But we can’t fix the problem unless we look at it clearly, free of media-hyped myths, to understand the root causes.
Parents don’t need to believe tech is evil to help kids manage distraction.
Learning to become indistractable is a skill that will serve our children no matter what life path they pursue or what forms distraction takes. If we are going to help our kids take responsibility for their choices, we need to stop making convenient excuses for them – and for ourselves. In the following chapters in Part 6, we’re going to understand the deeper psychology driving some kids to overuse their devices and learn smart ways to help them overcome distraction
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30 Understand Their Internal Triggers
When kids aren’t getting the psychological nutrients they need, self-determination theory explains why they might overdo unhealthy behaviours, such as spending too much time in front of screens
Without sufficient amounts of autonomy, competence and relatedness, kids turn to distractions for psychological nourishment
Unlike their offline lives, kids have a tremendous amount of freedom online; they have the autonomy to call the shots and experiment with creative strategies to solve problems. ‘In internet spaces, there tend to be myriad choices and opportunities, and a lot less adult control and surveillance,’ says Ryan. ‘One can thus feel freedom, competence and connection online, especially when the teenager’s contrasting environments are overly controlling, restrictive or understimulating.’
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31 Make Time for Traction Together
When it comes to helping our kids manage distraction, it’s important to make the conversation about people rather than tech
When it comes to how we spend time together as a family, the important thing is to define what constitutes traction versus distraction
To help children learn self-regulation, we must teach them how to make time for traction. We can encourage regular discussions about our values and theirs and teach them how to set aside time to be the people they want to be. Keep in mind that, while it’s easy for us to think ‘kids have all the time in the world’, it’s important to remember they have their own priorities within each of their life domains.
Working with our kids to create a values-based schedule can help them make time for their personal health and wellness domain, ensuring ample time for rest, hygiene, exercise and proper nourishment. For example, while my wife and I don’t enforce a strict bedtime for our daughter, we made it a point to expose her to research findings showing the importance of ample sleep during adolescence.
Once she realised that sleep was important to her wellbeing, it didn’t take much for her to conclude that screen time after 9 p.m. on a school night was a bad idea – a distraction from her value of staying healthy. As you’ve guessed, she timeboxed periods of rest in her day. While she may occasionally find herself deviating from this evening appointment with her pillow, having it in her schedule provides her with a self-imposed guideline to self-monitor, self-regulate and, ultimately, live out her values.
When it comes to the ‘work’ domain in kids’ lives, for the typical child work is synonymous with school-related responsibilities and household chores. While school schedules provide a timetable for a child’s daytime hours, how they spend their time after school can be a source of disagreement and frustration
Without a clear plan, many kids are left to make impulsive decisions that often involve digital distraction
Playing Fortnite, for instance, is fine if the time has been allocated to it in advance. With a timeboxed schedule that includes time for digital devices, kids know that they’ll have time to do the things they enjoy. I advised her to change the context of their family conversations around tech – from her screaming ‘No!’ to teaching her kids to tell themselves, ‘Not yet’.
Empowering children with the autonomy to control their own time is a tremendous gift. Even if they fail from time to time, failure is part of the learning process
Conscientious parents can bring back playtime for kids of all ages by deliberately making time for it in their weekly schedules. Seek out other parents who understand the importance of unstructured play and schedule regular get-togethers to let the kids hang out, just as you would make time for a jog in the park or a jam session in the garage. Research studies overwhelmingly support the importance of unstructured playtime for kids’ ability to focus and to develop capacity for social interactions. Given that, unstructured play is arguably their most important extracurricular activity.2
In addition to helping kids make time for unstructured play, we also need to carve out time for them to spend time with us, their parents.
As a family, play can and should extend beyond mealtimes. In my household, we’ve established a weekly ‘Sunday Funday’, where we rotate the responsibility for planning a three-hour activity. When it’s my turn, I might take the family to the park for a long conversation while we walk. When it’s her turn to pick, my daughter typically ask to play a board game. My wife often proposes a trip to a local farmers’ market to discover and sample new foods. Whatever the choice, the idea is to set aside time together regularly to feed our need for relatedness
While we must be prepared to make adjustments to our family schedule, we need to involve our kids in setting our routines and honouring our commitments to each other. Teaching them to make their own schedules and being indistractable together helps us pass on our values.
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32 Help Them with External Triggers
After understanding the internal triggers driving kids to distraction and helping them create a schedule using the timeboxing technique, the next step is to examine the external triggers in their lives.
In many ways it’s easy to blame the explosion of unwelcome cues tugging at our kids’ attention. With their phones buzzing, the television flickering and music blaring into their earbuds, it’s difficult to understand how our kids are able to get anything done. Many kids (and adults) pass their days mentally swinging from one thing to the next. Constantly reacting to external triggers, children are left with few opportunities to think deeply and concentrate on anything for long.
In many ways it is parents and guardians who have enabled this situation. After all, it is we who gave permission and often provided the funds to purchase the distracting devices we’ve come to resent. We’ve bowed to our kids’ demands in ways that may not benefit them or our households.
Many parents don’t consider whether their child is ready for a device with potentially damaging consequences and give in to the protestation that ‘Everyone in my class has a smartphone and an Instagram account.’
As parents we often forget that a kid wanting something ‘really, really badly’ is not a good enough reason
In fact, we can easily think of a host of activities we wouldn’t let our kids experience before they’re ready: reading certain books, watching age-inappropriate films, driving a car, drinking alcohol and, of course, using digital devices – each comes in its own time, not whenever a kid says so. Exploring the world and navigating its risks is an important part of growing up, but giving a kid a smartphone or other gadgetry before they have the faculties to use it properly is just as irresponsible as letting them jump head first into a pool before they can swim.
Many parents justify handing over smartphones in exchange for the peace of mind of knowing they can contact their children at any time, but, unfortunately, they often find they’ve given their child too much, too soon
Instead of giving our kids a fully functioning pinging and dinging smartphone, it’s better to start with a feature phone that only makes calls and sends text messages
As kids get older, a good test of whether they are ready for a particular device is their ability to understand and use the built-in settings for turning off external triggers
Kids also need plenty of sleep, and anything that flickers, beeps or buzzes during the night is a distraction
It’s equally important to help our kids remove unwanted external triggers during activities like homework, chores, mealtime, playtime and hobbies that require sustained attention
Remember the critical question: ‘Is this external trigger serving me, or am I serving it?’ Sometimes, as parents, we can be a source of distraction
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33 Teach Them to Make Their Own Pacts
When my daughter was five years old and already insisting on ‘iPad time’ with unrelenting protests, my wife and I knew we had to act. After everyone had calmed down, we did our best to respect her needs in the way Dr Ryan recommends: we explained, as simply as we could, that too much screen time comes at the expense of other things
As a kindergartner, she was learning to tell the time, so we could explain that there was only so much of it for things she enjoyed. Spending too much time with apps and videos meant less time to play with friends in the park, swim at the community pool, or be with Mom and Dad.
Today, as a spirited ten-year-old, my daughter is still in charge of her screen time. She’s made some adjustments to her self-imposed guidelines as she’s grown, such as trading daily episodes for a weekend movie night. She’s also replaced the kitchen timer with other tools; she now calls out to Amazon’s Alexa to set a timer to let her know when she’s reached her limit.
Many parents want to know if there is a correct amount of time kids should be allowed to spend on their screens, but no such absolute number exists. There are too many factors at play, including the child’s specific needs, what the child is doing online and the activities that screen time is replacing. The most important thing is to involve the child in the conversation and help them set their own rules. When parents impose limits without their kids’ input, they are setting them up to be resentful and incentivising them to cheat the system
It’s only when kids can monitor their own behaviour that they learn the skills they need to be indistractable – even when their parents aren’t around.
These strategies are no guarantee of parent–child domestic harmony. In fact, we should expect to have heated discussions about the role technology plays in our homes and in our kids’ lives, just as many families have fiery debates over giving the car keys to their teenagers on a Saturday night. Discussions and, at times, respectful disagreements are a sign of a healthy family
If there is one lesson to take away from this section, and perhaps from this entire book, it’s that distraction is a problem like any other. Whether in a large corporation or in a small family, when we discuss our problems openly and in an environment where we feel safe and supported, we can resolve them together
While it’s important our kids are aware that products are designed to be highly engaging, we also need to reinforce their belief in their power to overcome distraction. It’s their responsibility, as well as their right, to use their time wisely
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Part 7 How to Have indistractable Relationships
34 Spread Social Antibodies Among Friends
When we are with friends we’re never really alone in their company; our phones are almost assuredly present and ready to interrupt us with a poorly timed notification. Who hasn’t witnessed a friend divert their attention, mid-conversation, to reflexively check their phone? Most of us simply accept these interruptions, sighing them away as a sign of the times
Unfortunately, distraction is contagious. When smokers get together, the first one to take out their pack sends a cue and, when others notice, they do the same. In a similar way, digital devices can prompt others’ behaviours. When one person takes out their phone at dinner, it acts as an external trigger. Soon, others are lost in their screens, at the expense of the conversation
Psychologists call this phenomenon ‘social contagion’, and researchers have found that it influences our behaviours, from drug use to overeating.1 It’s hard to watch your weight if your spouse and kids insist on mowing down a dozen frosted doughnuts as you pick at your kale salad2 and it’s difficult to change your tech habits when your family and friends shun you in favour of their screens.
Given the enormous influence others have on our actions, how can we manage distraction around those with whom we want to spend uninterrupted quality time? How do we change our tendencies towards distraction when those around us haven’t changed theirs?
Social norms are changing, but whether or not they change for the better is up to us
Modern technologies like smartphones, tablets and laptops aren’t the only sources of distraction in social situations
Distraction among friends can take on other forms, including our own children. For example, during a recent get-together, just as a good friend began to share his personal and professional struggles, one of his children came to the table and demanded a juice box. The conversation immediately shifted to the needs of the child.
Such an innocent interruption has the ability to derail an important and sensitive conversation – the kind that solidifies close friendships. The next time we had dinner together, we made sure to put everything the kids would need, including food and drinks, in another room. The kids received clear instructions not to interrupt the adults unless someone was bleeding
All external triggers – whether coming from our phones or our kids – deserve scrutiny to determine whether they are serving us
In the same way society reduced social smoking with social antibodies, we can reduce distraction while with friends. By getting agreement from our friends and families to manage distraction and taking steps to remove external triggers that don’t serve us, we can quarantine the social contagion of distraction while with the people we love.
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35 Be an indistractable Lover
Every night my wife and I engaged in the same routine: she put our daughter to bed, brushed her teeth and freshened up. Slipping under the covers, we exchanged glances and knew it was time to do what comes naturally for a couple in bed – she began to fondle her cell phone, while I tenderly stroked the screen of my iPad. Ooh, it felt so good.
We were having a love affair with our gadgets
But after a few phone-free evenings I began to notice a stressful anxiety. My mind became occupied with all the things calling for my attention. Had someone sent me an urgent email? What was the latest comment on my blog about? Did I miss something important on Twitter? The stress was palpable and painful, so I did what anyone who makes a firm commitment to breaking a bad habit would do: I cheated.
With my cell phone unavailable, I needed to find a new partner. To my relief, I felt the anxiety melt away as I pulled out my laptop and began to bang on the keyboard. My wife, seeing what I was doing, pounced on the opportunity to relieve her own stress, and we were back at it again.
We implemented a ten-minute rule and promised that if we really wanted to use a device in the evening we would wait ten minutes before doing so. The rule allowed us time to ‘surf the urge’ and insert a pause to interrupt the otherwise mindless habit.
In short, we were making progress by using all four methods for becoming indistractable. We learned to cope with the stress of stopping our compulsion to use technology in the evening, and, over time, it became easier to resist. We scheduled a strict bedtime, claiming the bedroom as a sacred space and leaving external triggers, like our cell phones and the television, outside
Distractions can take a toll on even our most intimate relationships; the cost of being able to connect with anyone in the world is that we might not be fully present with the person physically next to us.
My wife and I still love our gadgets and fully embrace the potential of innovation to improve our lives, but we want to benefit from technology without suffering from the corrosive effects it can have on our relationship. By learning to deal with our internal triggers, making time for the things we really want to do, removing harmful external triggers, and using precommitments, we were finally able to conquer distractions in our relationship
Distractions still happen, but now I know what to do about them so they don’t keep happening. These techniques have allowed me to take control of my life in ways I never could before. I’m as honest with myself as I am with others, I live up to my values, I fulfil my commitments to the people I love, and I am more productive professionally than ever
The same is true for being indistractable. By becoming indistractable, we can set an example for others. In the workplace, we can use these tactics to transform our organisations and create a ripple effect both in and beyond our industries. At home, we can inspire our families to test these methods for themselves and to live out the lives they envisage.
We can all strive to do what we say we will do. We all have the power to be indistractable.
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