(In)Debt: What’s this Business of “Owing” Gratitude?

Written by Ginger Johnson and Chantel Soumis

Gratitude has some serious magic. Did you know that hugs are backed by science to prove essential for our overall well-being?! Research shows that “skin hunger” actually does exist. This goes far beyond just a “love language” but an actual physical need of human beings. Scientific research and long-term studies have shown improved health outcomes and greater happiness for people who actively practice gratitude - even ties to living longer!

G: Chantel’s been in inspiration to me, first via LinkedIn, then expanded into other communications. The saying, "I owe you a debt of gratitude," came up in our conversations, as we both fundamentally like to express gratitude.

C: Gratitude is the foundation for my happiness. When you go through life's challenges and face trauma head-on, the only thing to continuously provide hope is through gratitude.

So, what’s this business of “owing” gratitude?

It can feel, well, we’re not sure entirely…

Perhaps it happens when we feel a simple "thank-you" or hug simply aren't adequate in terms of proving our gratitude?

What we do know is that gratitude is something you should spend a lot of, and often. Gratitude is appreciation. Appreciation is an idea which we should continue to amplify and promote. Why? Because being valued and being told we’re valued makes life sweeter, more inspiring, more motivating and definitely more rewarding.

And here’s the deal. When we express gratitude often, we flourish more as people ourselves.

Though the idea of owing someone per gratitude seems incongruous with the concept of gratitude to begin with. But when we’re the first one in the Gratitude Game, we all win.

P’s & Q’s

“Good manners are always in style.”

This saying rocks because A. it’s true and B. it’s a mindset. To be aware of being kind and where gratitude comes from is meaningful, real and changes lives. To be thanked, for instance, for a seemingly small task or favor, is to know you’re valued. To thank someone for a small task or favor is to let them know you see them and you value them. Intentionally tell them.

When you go shopping at the store, are you always thanked for your purchases? In Ginger’s second book, the Connectivity Canon, she shares the frustration that more often than not we aren’t thanked. Rather, we get a “there you go” or “have a nice day”. Both of which are empty and don’t express gratitude. Saying thank you and expressing gratitude is a form of connecting with other people. It’s something we’re am keenly aware of and so therefor notice, for better and worse.

When you communicate, fill it up with gratitude. Don't communicate emptiness.

Be a Whobody

During Ginger’s orientation week of college, the incomers were treated to many talks, given by people who supposedly could understand the perspective as newly graduated from high school to the next stage of life. One specific delivery was a campus luminary sharing the concept of Whobody Mail.

Whobody mail is mail you want to get; the opposite of junk mail and solicitations that you’d immediately recycle and would rather never see again. Having grown up a note and letter writer, the Whobody mail practice has stuck and served her well, her entire life. Writing notes and thank you cards is a way of expressing thanks. Giving the mail a name - Whobody Mail - further solidified the worth.

Attitude of Gratitude

As you go forth into your day, week, month, and life, keep that attitude of appreciation front and center. Those who give, gain. Those who proactively express gratitude teach us all and reinforce us all as well in the idea that being grateful matters.

Write someone that thank you note you’ve been shuffling around your desk. Send someone you value a plant to remind them you care. Call that person who’s done something nice and helpful for you. Do it today.

Gratitude is meant to be active. How good does it feel when you’re the recipient of appreciation? You know that feeling?

Well, today’s the day to be the giver.

Be that whobody. Be the one who expresses gratitude by spending time and money (yes, you read me right) to be proactively thankful. Investment of self and resources to let people know you notice and care are smart, indeed.

Your Gratitude Homework...

As with the previous series parts, we want to offer some To-do’s to boost your efforts.

1. Give freely.

Being generous with your gratitude is a merry-go-round of the best kind. Once you start passing it out, you start getting it back too! The only expectation in expressing appreciation is to give it fully and freely.

According to Sharon Salzbert onbeing.com,

"Generosity is more than just “giving up.” Generosity generates its power from the gesture of letting go. Being able to give to others shows us our ability to let go of attachments that otherwise can limit our beliefs and our experiences. It might be in our nature to think, “That object is mine for X, Y or Z reason.” But that thought can simply dissolve. This doesn’t just happen passively; we choose to let it through the cultivation of generosity. It is in that choice to dissolve that we carry ourselves to a state of greater freedom."

2. Use your words.

Just like I tell my four-year-old son when he gets hot-tempered (what can I say, he takes after his Mamma) - use your words!

Say “Thank You” often and sincerely. These two short words are two of the most powerful ones we can use. Learn it in sign language, languages other than your own and express it frequently.

Per Fairview.org in a Thanksgiving-themed article, they outline the many benefits of saying "thank you" - including the ability to live longer!

"Scientific research and long-term studies have shown improved health outcomes and greater happiness for people who maintain a positive outlook on life through thankfulness. Grateful people: 

• Are more optimistic, which boosts the immune system and leads to fewer sick days 
• Have healthier hearts with less inflammation 
• Can handle stressful situations better and show lower blood pressure and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol 
• Get more restful sleep 
• Are seen as more successful by their coworkers 
• Enjoy an increased sense of confidence 
• Are more patient 
• Make better long-term decisions and set more meaningful goals "

3. Thank yourself.

So many of us think of ourselves last, but a little encouragement goes a long way and you deserve to be treated and thanked for all you do. Self love is important with fulfilling powers. Take a moment each day to bask in the enjoyment of a job well done, a meal well cooked, or a conversation well had. Enjoy the little things.

In the article titled, Why Self-Love is Important and How to Cultivate it, on Medical News Today,

"...self-care and -compassion might actually be needed most by those of us who work too hard and who are constantly striving to surpass ourselves and grasp the shape-shifting phantasm of perfection.

Most of the time, when we're being too hard on ourselves, we do it because we're driven by a desire to excel and do everything right, all the time. This entails a lot of self-criticism, and that persecutory inner voice that constantly tells us how we could've done things better is a hallmark of perfectionism.

Studies have shown that perfectionists are at a higher risk of several illnesses, both physical and mental, and that self-compassion might free us from its grip. Therefore, perfectionism and self-compassion are inextricably linked."

4. Write thank you notes.

Gratitude on paper lasts a very long time and makes a mighty solid impression. Do you recall the last time you got a thank you note? How about the last time you sent one? Do it today. The very act of sending written gratitude boosts our own day, as well as the recipient.

The following is a part of an article published by Science Daily, covering a recent study on the power of writing thank-you notes:

"Published in Psychological Science, research conducted by assistant professor of marketing in the McCombs School of Business at UT Amit Kumar and Nicholas Epley at The University of Chicago asked participants, in three different experiments, to write a letter of gratitude to someone who's done something nice for them and then anticipate the recipient's reaction. In each experiment, letter writers overestimated how awkward recipients would feel about the gesture and underestimated how surprised and positive recipients would feel.

"We looked at what's correlating with people's likelihood of expressing gratitude -- what drives those choices -- and what we found is that predictions or expectations of that awkwardness, that anticipation of how a recipient would feel -- those are the things that matter when people are deciding whether to express gratitude or not," said Kumar.

Kumar says anxiety about what to say or fear of their gesture being misinterpreted causes many people to shy away from expressing genuine gratitude.

"I don't think it's a societal thing," said Kumar. "It's more fundamental to how the human mind works and a well-established symmetry about how we evaluate ourselves and other people. When we're thinking about ourselves, we tend to think about how competent we are, and whether we are going to be articulate in how we're expressing gratitude."

Kumar says what is significant about the research and its results is that thank-you notes and letters of gratitude should be written and sent more often.

"What we saw is that it only takes a couple of minutes to compose letters like these, thoughtful ones and sincere ones," said Kumar. "It comes at little cost, but the benefits are larger than people expect."

5. Hug.

Now, not everyone feels comfortable with signs of affection, but when appropriate hugs have magic powers of their own. To get all sciencey on you, here's an excerpt from Psychology Today:

"Skin contact is essential for our overall well-being; research shows that “skin hunger” actually does exist. Stress causes our bodies to produce cortisol, which increases the likelihood that new social alliances or connections can develop. Oxytocin production amps up when we are touched by another caring human. Our bodies are made to provide and respond to physical comfort, so next time you see someone in pain or feel as if the world is crumbling around you, open yourself to a hug.

The healing process begins with a touch and embrace. It’s just that simple."

Summary

Be grateful starts with saying thanks. It extends everywhere in our lives, starting with the people we encounter and already know and ripples outward with positive effects. You don’t have to be indebted to someone to express it either.

Being gratuitous is easy when you get into the habit. If you’re already saying thanks, great! Keep going and amp your efforts. If you’re sporadic and struggling, make notes and get to it. Awareness is big part of success here – so do what works for you to get into the habit.

Pretty soon your friend, colleagues, family and clients will see how it impacts them too and then they’ll spread it forward. Be contagious with your gratitude practices.

Our challenge to you?! Start bangin' out those thank-you's NOW starting with a little somethin' somethin' in the comments!