Incredible Edible

By Chet Berry

I looked behind the milk.? Removed last night’s meat loaf and took a gander at the lower shelves. I even inspected the “Crisper” drawer at the bottom of the fridge.? No luck.? My morning staple would be put on hold until a trip to Aldi could be arranged.

No eggs. Nary a one.

Actually, my morning staple is coffee.? Lots of coffee. This would be a different article entirely if we had been out of coffee.? It’s only happened a few times.? If memory serves, it was either Defcon 1 or 2. A family alert was issued. Immediate action was necessary.? I changed out of my pajamas and drove to the store with my hair reminiscent of Christopher Loyd. No matter.? The trip was worth the drip.? All was right with the world again. ?A full review followed said event identifying mistakes and putting a system of processes and checks in place that would prevent a repeat occurrence.

I’ve been a type II Diabetic for 30 years.? For those unaware of the implications of this disease, I offer the following explanation in the simplest of terms.? If something is really good to eat…I shouldn’t eat it.? That’s pretty much it. I have to watch my carbohydrate intake.?

When I go to the grocery, I shop the exterior walls…minus two.? I stay planted firmly within the meat and cheese sections, while this does not please my Cardiologist, it prevents my Endocrinologist from tanning in Monte-Carlo.? If I might brag on myself for a moment, I’ve done really well in the last few years given my condition. Which brings me back to the eggs:

Eggs are low in carbs.? I fix an egg, cheese, and mushroom omelet every morning.? Well, except for this morning. I’ve watched a couple of cooking shows on television(1) and I’ve heard my wife whipping, or beating, or abusing the eggs in some fashion in the kitchen so I know that I’m not fixing my creation correctly.? There is nothing audible in my method.? I don’t use milk or add a dash of anything.? My process is simple:

1.?????? Spray the skillet with Pam.? Sometimes I forget this step. Its better when I remember.

2.?????? Break three eggs in the pan and stir them a bit.

3.?????? Add shredded cheese and the mushrooms.

4.?????? Cook on medium until it can be folded.

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Eggs are always better when they’re folded.? Don’t know why…they just are. The same observation holds true concerning a taco, or a burrito, an enchilada, or virtually any other Mexican food except for the …Tostada.? I’ve never understood the appeal of the Tostada.? It’s Mexican food consisting of the same ingredients as anything previously mentioned except that it’s more difficult to eat.? ?Tostadas are just taco’s…without the fold.

Tostada eaters…tell me…is this considered an accomplishment?? Clearly this ability falls under “Skills” on one’s resume.? A. Well acquainted with Microsoft Office including spread sheets and data bases. B. Technically proficient in Python, C++, and Java.? C. Able to eat a Tostada resulting in less than 10% spillage.?

To be fair to Taco Bell, the franchise discontinued the Tostada in 2020, the same year of the historic Pandemic. Coincidence?? I think not.? ?They continue to sell the “Mexican Pizza”, which is just another name for the Tostada.? I’ve never seen anyone order the Mexican pizza.?

I’ve seen people who fold their pizza.? For some reason this seems glutenous to me.? Pizza folders will object saying that their actions are preventative as they are keeping the ingredients and their accompanying pizza juices in check. Its also a convenient way to consume two slices of pizza while appearing to eat only one.?

Sly as foxes the pizza folders are.

One of the “higher ups” at Papa Johns must be Diabetic.? Papa Johns has introduced the “Papa Bowl”.? It’s a pizza without the crust.? Everything else thrown in a bowl and baked…and sold for nearly the same price.? Most likely the sly pizza folders came up with this ploy as well.? I’m not complaining.? This option is so much better than selling me a pizza with a Cauliflower or Broccoli crust.? If I wanted vegetables, I wouldn’t be ordering pizza.

If this article has done nothing else, it has sufficiently generated my appetite.? The only logical solution was a quick trip to the Bell.? It had been a good minute since my last trip to the Bell.? I used the handy self-serve kiosk to order my Bean Burrito and small Dew, thus avoiding any human interaction or semblance of customer service.

I then stood and waited.? When my order was complete, I could not understand what the counter worker was saying.? Needless to say, it was the most authentic Mexican food I’ve had in a while.?

Am I allowed to say that today?? It’s a joke, people!?

cb

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(1)??? because I’m a good husband.