An inconvenient truth….

As I have written about before, I am currently authoring a mid-life crisis (which potentially needs an update) but during this period of reflection and redesign, I have discovered an inconvenient truth about myself.

That is, I complain about everything I have created!

And the more coaching I do of others, under the new life with In Your Corner Ltd , I sense that I may very well not be alone with this affliction.

A few years back I completed a programme, Leader of the Future, which was fairly compelling in everything I do now. In that work, we were exploring individual leadership identity and I was re-reading some of the material the other day. This reconnected me with something I wrote down during that programme. It was:?

1. I struggled to?fit?in, so I became?likeable?
2. I strived for more?attention,?so I became?needed?

While I hadn’t seen this for a number of years, it is incredible to see how these two simple statements shape me. Don’t get me wrong, these are the attributes that have given me reasonable success over the years, but they are also the things that constrain me, and more importantly they shape what I complain about.?

Like all good martyrs in the world, I am a classic example of taking everything on, to get the attention and praise I need to satisfy my identity, and then complain about the fact that no one else does anything and everything is left to me. In fact, I don’t want to google 'martyrdom' as I fear there may be a picture of me beside the definition.?

But as I explore this further, I can identify that when I am complaining I am not being responsible for my life and the things that are happening in it. It’s an inconvenient truth that I now have to deal with!?

Now I know it is a gross generalization to say that everyone complains about everything they have created, because I know there are situations completely beyond your control, like major health issues for example, but even if I look at my own health and wellbeing, I have a lot to take responsibility for!?

But thinking of a few examples I hear/see (and are very familiar to me) – I am sure there are thousands more…?

1. Leaders/managers complaining that their staff always bring them problems and not solutions – is it possible you could be responsible for a) giving them solutions and therefore teaching them to bring you problems or b) not being clear enough about your expectations;?
2. Parents complaining about having to pick up after their children – is it possible that you have cleaned up after them for so long that you have taught them it is okay to be messy and leave sh!t everywhere;?
3. Employees complaining about not getting any feedback – is it possible that you are waiting for feedback whereas you could take the bull by the horns and generate feedback.??
4. CEO’s complaining that their boards are always transactional – is it possible that you are giving them transactional things to talk about (my experience is boards consume that they are fed) as opposed to shaping the strategic narrative in board meetings.?

The general underpinning orientation of complaining is waiting – waiting for someone else to fix things, waiting for the conditions to be right, waiting for permission, just generally waiting. And when you are waiting and not generating, you are placing the responsibility on everyone else, rather than taking responsibility yourself. I will let you in on a secret that I have discovered…. ‘No one is coming to save me – it’s all on me’?

So my advice to you - when you are next in a mode of complaining about something, stop and ask yourself, what can I be responsible for the current state and where can I be responsible and generate a future that I want.?

It’s an inconvenient truth but I have every power to change it. Taking responsibility for one’s own life provides the greatest freedom. I just need to continue to discover how!?