An Inconvenience

By the time my brother Gregg was ten years old, he had discovered that my mom was Santa and that she always hid Christmas presents in the same place every year.? He became a master at carefully removing the tape on the wrapping paper at the end of the box. He would then slowly pull out the box and look to see what each of us would be receiving Christmas morning.?

The big reveal would take place later that night when Gregg would sit with my other brother and me and go through the list of things he had unwrapped. Some years my mom didn’t put labels on each box and we would have to look at the list of gifts and guess who was getting what from Santa. It was exciting the first few times my brother walked into our bedroom and shared his secrets. But over time, I wanted to be surprised on Christmas and his list became an inconvenience, one that I choose to ignore.?

By the time my brother left for college, he had developed a reputation for the pranks he had orchestrated during high school. The list included a dead skunk in a locker that was padlocked shut, pigeons that he and his friends caught at a nearby barn that were released during basketball games and rubbing BENGAY cream strategically on my friend’s athletic gear before practice.?

Although the pranks were harmless they always caused inconvenience for others.??

Gregg left for NDSU and joined my father’s legacy fraternity. He would come home and sit with my father and tell him about rush week and the rituals he had to perform with the others who had pledged. My father would laugh and share his own fraternity stories with my brother.? There was a bond between the two of them that I understood since I shared this same bond with my mother.?

The antics of pledge week continued throughout his freshman year. He struggled to maintain his grades since the parties he attended took precedence over his studies. Soon my father was helping him register again for courses he did not pass. Eventually, he transferred schools and in his senior year, he joined the army.?

There were no active military conflicts during his tour of duty. Instead, my brother was stationed in Germany working in an oil refinery. Gregg was presented with the opportunity to compete on the Army’s downhill racing team in Europe. Things were in a positive place for my brother until they weren’t.?

My mother received the call. My brother had been drinking and driving in the mountains and had lost control of the vehicle and had gone over a cliff. He almost died and spent weeks in recovery. When Gregg left the hospital he was honorably discharged from the military.?

The inconveniences continued to follow him even to Europe.?

Gregg came home for only a short period of time. I am not sure if he was embarrassed by what had happened or didn’t want to be back in a small town. My parents never judged my brother but he judged himself and the judgment was too much for him to manage. He packed his things and moved east where he settled in Norton Massachusetts.?

He would randomly call me while I was in college and invite me out to see him. The calls always ended with, “Man, Tim could I borrow some money?”? One time I broke down and sent him $500. He promised to pay it back, $50 each month. I did receive three checks over the first three months, then nothing.??

One fall weekend I decided to travel to Massachusetts and see my brother.? He picked me up at the airport and we drove out to Norton. Eventually, we pulled into the driveway of an old Victorian-style home.? As I got out of the car I noticed a new mountain bike in the garage. He pointed at it and said, “I started riding on the trails nearby.”??

I wondered if this is how my $500 had been spent.?

He pulled my bag out of the trunk while two of his four roommates played catch in the front yard. Gregg motioned over to them and yelled, “This is my little brother, Tim.”? They both laughed and commented on the fact that I was much taller than my brother.??

We walked in the back door of the house through the kitchen and up the stairs to his bedroom. “You can sleep here this weekend.”? I dropped off my bag and together we walked back down through the house and back into the front yard. His other roommates had pulled up in their truck and began to unload two kegs.? They put one in the garage and the other one was placed strategically in the kitchen.?

It was getting close to 4:00 and my brother started the grill and began grilling burgers and hotdogs.? “My girlfriend is coming over tonight, her name is Tamar,” he told me as we began to throw the football to each other. I remember thinking that this whole experience was just an extension of my brother’s fraternity days.? The only difference was that he and his roommates had jobs during the week instead of going to class.??

The keg was tapped at 5:00 and by 6:00 the house was beginning to fill up with students from the local college. One of these students was Tamar. She and Gregg sat on a lounge chair and laughed while he told stories about us growing up in North Dakota.?

More of my brother’s friends continued to show up and by 10:00 the music was so loud no one could talk to each other. Gregg and Tamar were the stars of the night as they sang Paradise by the Dashboard Light. Everyone joined in on the chorus and it was obvious that this was not the first time Meatloaf had echoed through the hallways.?

I went to bed at midnight but the party continued throughout the night. I woke up the next morning and many of those from last night were sleeping on the floor in the living room. I found my brother and asked him if he wanted to go get something to eat.?

We drove together to a local restaurant and Gregg shared with me that he wanted to get married to Tamar. He was going to ask her after she finished college the next fall. We talked about other things that seemed not to matter and eventually we finished and I paid the check and we headed back to the house.?

That afternoon the pattern that I witnessed on Friday repeated itself. I felt like Bill Murray and wondered if every weekend was like this.??

I went to bed earlier on Saturday knowing that my flight was leaving in the morning.? The music continued throughout the night and when morning came I packed up my things and called a cab and left for the airport. Before I left, I wrote my brother a quick note thanking him and shared with him that I liked Tamar.?

The wedding was announced, and my brother and Tamar would marry in Boston in the fall.? I was amazed that their wedding dance was a perfect replica of the scene I saw played out when I visited Gregg. He and Tamar sang Meatloaf’s Paradise by the Dashboard Light and their group of friends gathered around them and sang the chorus together. I watched as they continued to sing and dance with their friends. I began to understand that Gregg had surrounded himself with friends that were mirror images of himself.??

Gregg and Tamar moved to Cleveland and I visited them once in the summer months.? We spent each night down at the bars by the river. They both had good jobs but I could tell by just that one-weekend visit they both were struggling with alcohol.?

The marriage was over almost as quickly as the dashboard lights dimmed with the daylight. My brother decided to leave his job and go to work for one of his friends. Their get-rich-quick idea ended up at the bottom of the ocean. Gregg now found himself without a job and a home.??

I never knew until my brother’s funeral that he had spent the next year on the couch in his friend's basement. He continued to struggle with his addiction to alcohol and he was too embarrassed to call and ask me for help.

Eventually, Gregg moved to Maine and met an amazing lady who he eventually married. His new wife, Linda, had a piece of property near a lake and they built a small home together. My brother never had children, I now contribute this to him not wanting to be a burden. He knew he had a disease. He checked himself into treatment centers but the lessons he learned never lasted more than a month or two.?

Over the years I learned that I needed to call him before 5:00 EST for any later he would be at least one glass into his nightly ritual. I called him less each year. It was difficult to hear him slurring his words when we talked.? But I never realized how selfish my behavior was. I never let my children learn about my brother. My second son Mitchell was Gregg’s Godchild. However, Mitchell only met him twice while he was growing up.?

Two months before my brother died, Mitchell and I traveled to Maine to spend Labor Day weekend with Gregg. My brother had a list of things all set up for us when we arrived. On the first day, we boarded my brother's pontoon and toured the lake where he lived. He told us stories about fishing with his friends through the many years he lived in Maine. We spent the entire afternoon on the lake arriving back at the dock near sunset.?

Mitchell and I sat together on the dock. My brother walked to the riding lawnmower and rode it back to his house. He was too weak to walk even though the distance was shorter than a football field back to his home. Linda smiled at us and told us that we would eat dinner when we get back to the house.?

Mitchell asked me, “It is so beautiful up here. Why have we never come to Maine to see Gregg before this weekend?” I didn’t have an answer for him. I couldn’t tell him that I was embarrassed by my brother and that every night he drank himself to a point that Linda had to help him to bed.? I realized at that moment I had always treated my brother as an inconvenience. He was always getting in trouble, never taking responsibility for the things he did that had caused the problems in his life.?

The sun continued to set and the two of us sat together in silence.??

We walked back to the house and ate dinner and we left early before my brother had the chance to drink too much.?

We spent Saturday in the mountains and Sunday we went to the ocean shores for fresh lobster. My brother told Mitchell stories of our youth. He shared about his times in college and working in the oil fields in North Dakota. Gregg was sharing memories with Mitchell so that he would remember Gregg his uncle not as an alcoholic but as my older brother.?

The night before we left my brother started drinking early. He had something he wanted to give Mitchell that night and the alcohol would make it easier for him.? By 7:00 the alcohol was in full effect and Gregg could hardly walk. He sat down next to Mitchell and gave him a box. Gregg shared with Mitchell that the box contained the ring he had gotten from our grandfather. It was one of Gregg’s favorite things. He asked Mitchell if he would wear it on his wedding day and remember him that day.?

Mitchell began to cry and said, “For sure, I would be honored.”??

Gregg couldn’t get up to say goodbye.? Mitchell and I left and I apologized to Mitchell that Gregg was drunk. Mitchell still had tears in his eyes when he said, “Dad, it is ok that he drinks too much. It is not who he is, it’s not his fault.”??

On the flight home, I realized how selfish I had been over the years. I barely knew my brother.? When he left for college, I let him leave my life. I only visited him five times after he left that day.?

Over the years, I treated my brother as an inconvenience.? I will never be able to forgive myself for the way I treated him.? No one’s life should be treated as an inconvenience. We all have our challenges but somehow we dismiss those who embarrass us.?

My brother's best friend Layton was at my brother's side when he died.? He and his wife came to visit my brother a month before he died and realized that Gregg was not going to recover from his surgery. Layton was there with him through his death never leaving his side.?

At the funeral, Layton came up to me and shared something that he had found in my brother's wallet.? I took the card and opened it and it read,?

“For God so loved the world he gave his only son that whoever believes will not perish but have eternal life.”??

Now as I reflect on these words I realize that one man came into this world an inconvenience from the throne from which he reigned. He came into this world to save mankind. How much of an inconvenience it must have been for him.?

But even if I was the only person on this earth, he would not have viewed me as an inconvenience. He would have seen me with love and forgiveness.??

I was an inconvenience yet he came for me.?

I will never again treat someone as an inconvenience.