Incongruent communication

The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” – George Bernard Shaw, Nobel Prize-winning playwright

When we communicate with other people, there are five reasons for the message being incongruent. There’s a huge difference between what I say and how the other person interprets it. Let’s review these five reasons for distorted interpretation.?

1. Perception?

How does the listener perceive my story? What are they experiencing?? What part of the maps are they able to understand? What aspects are they focusing on?

2. Wrong time

Are they reacting to something I said in the past? Looking at me from the lens of what I said in our last meeting?

3. Wrong place

Does this interaction remind them of a different interaction at home or some other place? Are they reacting to that environment?

4. Wrong person

Are they reacting to what someone else said to them? Because I remind them of the other person who triggers the hot button.

5. Self-worth?

Did I say anything that impacts their self-worth? The reaction here is to their own self-worth. Our self-worth determines how we react to people, places & situations.

You can try this in your next 1:1 interaction with your direct report or manager or a cross-functional partner. Don’t focus on them, focus on yourself. When you talk, think about congruence; watch out for incongruence.

• Are you on the same page of perception?
• Are you reacting to the past?
• Are you reacting to a different environment?
• Are you reacting to a different person (who is not here)?
• Is your reaction triggered by your self-worth?

The more you become aware of your reactions, the better you can shape your interactions.

PS: If this post piques your interest as a technical leader; you’ll love the book “On becoming a? technical leader” By Gerald Weinberg.