Inclusion Starts Within

In his fascinating TED Talk, Rich Benjamin, a black man who went into the heart of ‘Whitopia’ as he calls the whitest states of America, says, “One of the Whitopian outlooks that really hit me was a proverbial saying: ‘One black man is a delightful dinner guest; 50 black men is a ghetto.’” 

Sad as this statement is, it really sums up the mindset that leads to racism and other bigotry. It’s not about the individual, it’s about a group that represents something that is, for whatever reason, perceived as a threat. Bigotry is based in fear. Not necessarily the fear of being robbed or murdered but maybe the fear of not measuring up, the fear of missing out on opportunities, the fear of being outshined, etc.  

Let’s flip this around and see what the good news is:  

• Bigotry is not about you 
• Bigotry is not about the individual  

Bigotry is not about you 

As soon as we stop dividing the world into ‘us’ and ‘them’ and start seeing our common humanity, we understand that we all have fears. Bigots have their own flavour of fear, which makes them just as human as all the rest of us. Just remember, nobody is all-powerful, everyone has their limits and fears. And as Eleanor Roosevelt said so wisely “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”  

If you were wearing a blue t-shirt and someone came along and told you the t-shirt was red, would you doubt yourself? Would you start wondering whether there was something wrong with your eyes? No. You would think that this person has got it wrong, maybe they’re colour blind or they’re on drugs.  

In the same way, when a bigot implies that you are inferior in some way, it tells you everything about them and nothing about you. Their fears are reflected in that statement. That’s all. Take it in as valuable information about the other person. Don’t take it personally, it’s really not about you.  

Bigotry is not about the individual 

Even if someone has prejudice against your gender, your ethnicity or your sexual orientation, they will learn to see you as ‘an exception to the rule’ in their mind if you are fully in your power and showing up with all you’ve got to do a great job every day. From the first impression on, if you don’t buy into the prejudice, the people around you won’t either. Instead they will learn to respect you for who you are and the work you do.  

And who knows, over time they might even overcome their prejudice against your ethnicity or gender. It’s a long shot, but it might be a positive side effect.  

Beware of putting everything down to being different 

A friend of mine has had an operation that has permanently affected her short-term memory. Ever since then, she blames everything on that condition. I often tell her that it is perfectly normal not to remember what you had for lunch three days ago or what the name of the sales clerk was who served you for five minutes last Wednesday. It is not due to her condition that she can’t remember these things.  

The same goes for your ‘difference’. Not every negative thing that happens to you happens because you look different, because you belong to a minority. That person in your office who just had a go at you? They might just be having an extremely bad day and they’re letting it out on you. That person on the street that bumped into you? Maybe they were just not paying attention to where they were going. They would have bumped into anyone who had come towards them. The sales clerk who ignored you? They might have just learned that their mother’s health has taken a turn for the worse.  

It’s really a kind of arrogance if you think about it, to assume that everything that happens around you is about you. Most people are far too busy making everything all about themselves to even notice what is going on for you.  

Change your mindset 

Inclusion, like almost everything important in life, really starts within. It depends on the way that you go out into the world, on the expectations and the beliefs you have. If you expect to be treated as an inferior, you will see signs of it everywhere. You will also likely be more guarded and defensive when you meet someone who you expect will ‘lord it over you’.  

I’m not saying that bigotry and misogyny aren’t real. They are. But you’re not going to change that in a hurry. What you can change immediately is the way that you respond to these situations. As with all forms of bullying, it’s a power struggle. If you calmly and confidently hold your own, you become an equal. If you get upset, you give up your power. If you submit, you give up your power too. But if you refuse to take the bait, you stand in your power.  

As Carol Dweck states in her paper Mindsets and Math/Science Achievement, “Research shows that when females and minorities are informed that they can do as well as others in a subject area—and particularly when this information is placed in a growth mindset framework—achievement gaps are decreased (Dar-Nimrod and Heine, 2007; Good, Rattan, & Dweck, 2008; Aronson & Steele, 2005).” and “Negative stereotypes about ability are fixed mindset beliefs. They embody the belief that an ability is fixed and that certain groups do not have it. The more that members of a negatively stereotyped group already hold a fixed mindset, the more susceptible they may be to such a message. The more they hold a growth mindset, the more they may be able to withstand negative messages about their ability.” 

So, in conclusion, the real work of inclusion starts within. Try it out, look within and see what you can change there. I promise you it will be an empowering experience. The more you practice balancing your nervous system and actively projecting a certain energy outward, the more change you will see in the resonance that comes back to you.  

Remember: the outside world is a mirror that shows us our inner state.