Why Changing Habits is Difficult

Today again, I got a system update message on my Google Nexus. In a few minutes, my phone was ready with an updated version of Android with improved performance. Quite fortuitously, as my phone rebooted and I tried surfing internet, I came across two articles shared by my connections. The articles had titles - "19 habits of successful people" and "5 habits to change your life". And I wondered - "If only, adopting new habits was as simple as updating the Operating System in your phone."

Book stores and the internet abound with self-help books and articles on the topic of improving self through practicing new behaviors, abandoning existing career limiting behaviors, and leaving behind toxic thoughts and beliefs. Critics point out that the advice sprinkled all over these books and articles is easier said than done. It is not so easy to manage oneself consciously. In fact, I know people who assert that any effort at changing oneself is doomed to fail.

Well, I agree with the more moderate of these critics - it is indeed difficult to manage self and it is nothing like updating your phone's OS.

I know a Mommy with 6 toddlers (Actually it is 7. Oh no, may be more!). She is not a super-mommy and has three big limitations: This mommy is hands-off; She can effectively handle only one kid at a time; And, she has little stamina.

The Mommy is hands-off; on most occasions, she let's the kids decide what to do . Her kids have learnt to take care of most of the things. In fact, they do manage well about 80% of the time without any help from their mommy. But, they make mess when they don't know that they don't know how to behave - mainly in new and unfamiliar situations. The Mommy often fails to note that the kids might need help because of their limited understanding of things.

The Mommy can effectively handle only one kid at a time. But, she tends to forget it and goes to market and parties with all the kids together. And, she often rues it later. Kids don't know how to behave in a new setting. They are all over the place. Handling too many kids is simply beyond the Mommy's capacity.

The Mommy has limited stamina; she gets tired easily. If she’s done a lot of things lately, she’d not be able to handle even a single kid in a new setting. She needs proper and frequent rest.

This Mommy is the part of our brain that is responsible for self-management. It is this part that helps us choose from among multiple courses of action, moderate behaviors, inhibit undesirable behaviors, and exercise self-control or self-restraint. The toddlers are things that seek its attention – things to be completed, behaviors to be consciously practiced, long term goals, handling difficult people, and so on.

Our brain is hands-off; it prefers the autopilot mode - avoiding taking direct charge of as much as 95% of our behaviors. The part of the brain responsible for self-management is energy intensive, it takes up a lot of energy for its size. Hence, evolution designed it in such a way that it is used only when absolutely necessary. Science says that we are cognitive misers. Hence, we find it much more easy to depend on simple rules of thumb, heuristics, and practiced habits, rather than go into details or do things that require new thinking and conscious behavior change. Simply speaking – when it comes to effortful thinking or behaving consciously, we are lethargic.

This part of the brain is also limited in capacity. It can effectively pay attention to only one thing at a time. That’s why juggling is such a difficult task, unless you’ve practiced it. When there are too many things vying for our attention, we get overwhelmed. Multitasking is just not possible when things require your sustained attention. Effectiveness demands that we ruthlessly prioritize. It also demands that we’re mindful of what we are doing. These things come with a lot of concerted practice and feedback.

To top it all, this part of the brain can get tired very easily. Effortful thinking, holding your attention on a particular thing, and restraining yourself from eating junk food for long, can make your brain scream, “ENOUGH!”. This effect called Ego Depletion is a well documented phenomenon. Our brains need to be rested properly to maintain their effectiveness. Further, some experiments show that it’s easy for us to lose our calm when we’re physically exhausted. The quality of decisions you make may also suffer when your brain is tired.  

With these three limitations, it becomes apparent why things like self-management, changing self, and moderating behavior are so difficult.

However, one doesn’t need to get disheartened. The good news is that even with these shortcomings, it is possible to manage one's self, one’s emotions, one’s behaviors, and one’s life in a much better way.Your self-management muscle in the brain can be strengthened with practice. Mindfulness meditation can help. Coaching can help. Avoiding multitasking can help.It also helps if you take short breaks of 10 minutes after 60-90 minutes of working.

Managing self requires managing your energy well. Which among other things requires that you get enough sleep every night. Sleep deprivation can weaken your ability to manage yourself. Also, one can’t overstate the importance of sticking to proper and balanced diet. Vitamin and protein deficiencies are known to bring down your energy levels and make you worse at whatever you do – including, managing yourself. More about these things later. I thought I have already made my point - Improving oneself is nothing like updating OS of one's phone