Improve Your Self-Esteem and Change Your Life

Ellenit Hernandez

“How can I improve my self-esteem?”

That must be one of the most frequent questions people ask themselves when trying to change their lives.

The problem is that most of us don’t know what self-esteem is all about, and it’s difficult to change something we don’t understand. Imagine someone who wants to repair a car, but doesn’t know how its different components work.

It doesn’t make it easier that self-esteem has a lot of other names, such as self-love, self-confidence, self-assurance, self-regard, and self-image.

Whatever you call it, if you are feeling negative about it, life becomes more difficult than it has to be.

In an attempt to improve your self-esteem, you’ve probably read books or watched videos on the topic. Often the advice given is to use affirmations, e.g., “I’m amazing,” “I love myself” or “I am the best.” But if you tried this technique, chances are that your self-perception improved only minimally. Why? Because deep down, you don’t believe the beautiful words you just affirmed.

But don’t worry. There are other, much more effective ways to gain the kind of self-appreciation that will let you live life on your own terms. The following scenario will give you an idea of how you can achieve that.

An unreliable friend

Say you have a best friend who you love very much. You know everything about each other, and she’s your favorite person to spend time with.

However, one day things start to change. You two had arranged to go to the movies, but she cancels at the last minute, saying she’s simply not in the mood for movies anymore. Her behavior seems unusual to you, and you’re also disappointed, but you decide not to take it too seriously.

On a different occasion, your friend asks you to lend her some money, promising to pay you back within a week.

One, two, three weeks pass by, but your money is nowhere to be seen. Whenever you approach your friend about it, she gives you a new excuse for why she can’t pay you back that day.

You also start noticing how overly critical and judgmental she is towards others behind their backs. However, when she sees those same people she criticizes, she hugs them and laughs with them.

Once, someone even tells you that your friend has also spoken badly about you, saying you’re an idiot if you think you’ll ever get back the money you loaned her.

The time spent with your friend is not as fun as it used to be. She monopolizes the conversations, talking mostly about herself and disregarding your opinions.

After all these events, do you still trust your friend and appreciate her the way you initially did?

The answer is most likely no. In fact, you would probably start avoiding her, and no one would blame you if you became angry, disappointed, and mistrustful toward her.

Why people have low self-esteem

Now, imagine that the friend in the previous scenario is you.

The way we form opinions about others is not much different than the way we form opinions about ourselves. The difference, however, is that we’re ignorant of 99% of other people’s wrongdoings, fears, and failures.

In contrast, we’re aware of our own dark side at all times. We remember with guilt the times we hurt others (intentionally or unintentionally). Only we know all the lies we have ever told and all the projects we started but never finished.

We struggle daily to move forward as we carry the burden of disappointments, resentments, and dead dreams. This is why we’re so harsh on ourselves. Ignoring the contents of other people’s baggage, we come to ridiculous conclusions about them being smarter, braver, and more deserving than us.

That’s how people stop trusting and appreciating themselves.

Restoring your self-esteem

Trust is one of those things that are very hard to repair once they get broken. So, is there any way you can regain enough trust in yourself to walk through life as an empowered and authentic human being?

I’m saying regain because we were all born with steel confidence and great disregard for what others thought of us. Babies show no remorse for waking their parents up in the middle of the night or throwing up on them.

And yes, it may take some time, but we all have the ability to repair that long-neglected relationship with ourselves. Think about the friend from our story. What would have to happen for you to trust her again?

Imagine that one day she comes to you, crying and asking your forgiveness for all of the times she failed you. She explains that she’s realized how valuable your friendship is to her, and she’s willing to make up for her past mistakes.

You are compassionate and recognize her sincerity. Besides that, you think about all the awesome times you two used to have together before she changed. You decide to give her a second chance — but you’re not dumb, and you’ll watch your friend’s future actions closely.

It’ll take weeks or months, but if she continuously proves that she has profoundly changed, you two can restore your friendship.

In the same manner, you can start acting with integrity by paying attention to the quality of your thoughts, words, and actions. Exercise your integrity muscle and prove to yourself that you’re committed to getting back your self-esteem.

Practicing the following points regularly will help you achieve your goal.

1. When you say you’ll do something, do it.

Whether it’s taking out the trash or calling your grandma, you need to be 100% positive you’ll be able to do it. If you aren’t, it’s better not to say anything. It may sound extreme, but there’s no difference between saying you’ll do something and making a promise. Your self-trust devalues quickly when your words don’t match your actions.

2. Speak only positively about yourself and others.

This is not a morality issue, but rather a matter of cause and effect. Remember that you are listening all the time when you speak. The quality of your speech feeds back into your subconscious and programs it accordingly. If you want to run a positive mental program, don’t ruin the opportunity by criticizing others. Aim to speak only about the positive aspects of people, situations, and yourself.

3. Take care of your body and feed it nutritious foods.

Challenge it with regular exercise, and don’t harm it with excesses of any kind. This will send a message to your subconscious that you are a responsible caretaker of your body, meaning that you respect yourself.

4. Make your own decisions and own your mistakes.

Giving up responsibility over our lives to others weakens us. That’s why it’s crucial to use your own reasoning. Don’t value anyone’s opinion more than your own. Of course, it’s always wise to consider a doctor’s or a lawyer’s advice in critical situations. However, you have the last word in your life. Don’t blindly let others decide for you. That said, if you make a mistake, be compassionate towards yourself and see it for what it is. Mistakes build our character when we look at them as lessons.

5. Create evidence every day, if only a little, that you are reliable, honest, and generous.

You can do this by being ready to help others. Whether it’s your neighbor, coworker, or a stranger in the street, see how you can provide a little relief to them. Maybe you can help your neighbor carry her groceries up the stairs. At work, you could share a template you designed with your colleagues. Even giving a sincere compliment to a stranger in the street can transform their day (and yours).

Conclusion

Self-esteem has many other names, but they all mean that you have a positive opinion about yourself. Being overcritical of your past mistakes and current circumstances only harms your self-perception. Instead, it works best to repair the relationship with yourself in the same way you would try to mend a broken friendship.

Start over with yourself by thinking, speaking, and acting the way a trustworthy person does. Practice living with integrity to the best of your ability, and witness your self-appreciation and trust grow. Once it does, your life will inevitably improve.