Improve relationship boundaries using 3 truths

Build relationship boundaries using these three truths

Rules, boundaries and consequences [RBC] can be built around principles, rather than behaviors. Principles cover a large group of behaviors which creates an easier and more flexible way to build strong relationships.
The three truths are applied a follows when setting RBC.

1. Influence v Concern

Influence v concern related to time.
(i) The past is only used to gain knowledge, not to repeatedly go over negative situations, otherwise you become a “If Only” person. Your sub-conscious brain works in emotional order, not in time order, therefore if you repeatedly go over negative situations with negative emotions, then the sub-conscious brain will keep trying to fix the problem.
(ii) The future is only for planning. Plans can be as simple as a future idea in your head. If you don’t have a plan then you a re like a cork in the ocean, it goes with the wind and the tide and you could end up anywhere. However, once you have a plan you don’t become a “what if” person continually going over all the possible negative outcomes in the future. This causes the sub-conscious to overload and you becomes anxious.
(iii) Other than going to the past for knowledge and the future for planning, then stay in the present and use influence not concern.

Influence v concern related to suffering.
You should not engage in suffering if you can have influence over the thing that is causing the suffering. Rather you should use your influencing principles such as courage, self-control to fix the problem.
If however, you have no influence over the cause of the pain, but only concern, then you grow pour influencing principles by suffering, such as patience and persistence while you wait for your concern to pass.
If you fail to suffer and grow your influencing principles, then you will be critical and start blaming others, yourself or circumstances.

The CPM rule is:
When you have influence you apply your influencing principles
When you have concern you grow your influencing principles.

About Influencing Principles: They include assertiveness, calmness, courage, patience, self-control and evaluation.
These principles have the following characteristics:
(i) They have influence over negative situations
(ii) They have the potential to grow more in negative situations than positive situations. That is, courage can grow faster in when faced with danger rather than with peace.
(iii) They are more effective in dealing with processes rather than people.

2. Control versus Responsibility.

(i) Control refers to internal control, not external control. Going outside yourself for control is a weakness, not a strength.
(ii) If you have concern but no influence over the outcome, then take no responsibility for the outcome. When you have influence then fix the problem. If you have a good habit then try not to change it during a critical time. Only work on a good habit in practice time, to make it a better habit.
Note: This is one of the most difficult truths to follow, because we are taught from a young age to be in control and to be responsible, but that advice only refers to our external behavior. This truth is the most powerful for reducing anxiety and depression
(iii) Human nature needs both control and responsibility, whereas, spiritual requires no internal control or responsibility.
a. Hope [spiritual principle] is based on trust and is “known” before it happens. Hope trusts the underlying principles, beliefs, knowledge and past experience of the subconscious pattern system, that is, your intuition. However, it has to be used with wisdom.
b. Goal [human nature equivalent of hope] requires both control and responsibility, because it is external and is based on following a pathway to the goal and staying on the pathway.
(iv) There are three levels of control
a. No conscious control. Where the subconscious patterning system, normally a bad habit, is controlling the outcome. This is dysfunctional
b. Conscious control. Where the conscious mind through logic and positive thinking is controlling the outcome. This is conscious flow and life balance.
c. Voluntarily giving up conscious control. Where you voluntarily give up control to your spiritual principles, such as unconditional giving, unconditional acceptance and hope and “just do it” without thinking.
This is the state of optimum flow.

3. Behavior versus the Person

(i) In positive situations always make it personal, in negative situations always make it about the behavior. Examples:

a. Using the spiritual principle of forgiveness (positive), then split the person from their behavior. Forgive the person and put the behavior aside because you believe that the behavior will be dealt with by God, or karma or something else. The reason you forgive is not for the benefit of the other person, but to prevent internal resentment eating away at your positive principles, such as peace.

b. In negative situations use influencing principles [positive/behavioral] such as assertiveness, if you are disrespected. Don’t use negative concerns [negative/personal], such as rage and abuse the person.

Rule: Support the person, challenge the behavior.
To build secure attachment with a child, give more support (but not too much) than challenge, then move towards balance during their teenage years.
(ii) In personal grow situations always put your self first [internally only], by asking yourself questions in the following order:

WHO am I?
WHAT do I want?
HOW do I get it?

When facing situations most people want to know how to fix the problem, without knowing who they are or what they want. You must know “Who am I?” based on my principles, before you ask “What do I Want?” otherwise an internal conflict is created and the two aren’t aligned.

With dysfunction, when the question of “Who am I” is asked the person may not know or give an answer that feels uncomfortable. This is because the explicit “Who am I” and the implicit “Who am I” are different. The implicit answer is within the subconscious mind and is not available as a thought, but only as a feeling to the conscious mind. The implicit “who am I” can be adversely affected by unresolved issues from the past.

4. Rules, boundaries and consequences. (RBC)

RBC can be established around the Relationship Principles of trust, respect, commitment and acceptance.

(i) Define the boundary around trust, for example. Is it with my partner, my family, my friends etc?

(ii) Define my rules about trust. What does trust mean to me?
What do I expect from my partner? Eg I won’t accept emotional infidelity, that is, where he talks about my emotional issues to other females, but not talk to me about them.

(iii) Have the partner to complete steps (i) and (ii). Where the relationship is not close then this step may not happen.

(iv) Both partners have a dialog to arrive at agreed rules and consequences or agree to differ. Note: If parents of children are involved it is better for both parents to compromise for the benefit of the children. If each parent has their own set of RBC then the child thinks they should also. Joint RBC provide security for children. When there is joint RBC each parent supports the other by following through on consequences. This method is very effective in creating discipline in children.

In a strong relationship RBC will also by built around negative principles such as fear, anger, anxiousness and guilt. The same process is followed as above.
(i) For example, with anger there may be are rules about how we argue :

(ii) Arguments are about the behavior not the person. There are no personal attacks.

(iii) Don’t bring up the past if it is not relevant to the present.

(iv) If I say I need time out, then let me have it.
(v) If I give you time out then you must not avoid the subject, but discuss it when you calm down.
Consequences should include the following elements:
(i) Rules and consequences should be appropriate for the age and maturity of the person there are directed at.
(ii) They should based on a sound knowledge of the person so that they are effective by depriving the person of things that they like and given things they dislike.
(iii) They need to be fair
(iv) They need to be consistently administered.
(v) They need to be escalating in proportion to escalating poor behavior. Do not over commit on consequences too early, otherwise as it leaves no room to move.
(vi) They need to be acted on.
(vii) Where they are related to children then both parents need to support each other using all of the above points.

5. Overcoming unresolved issues from the past, using RBC based on principles.

In cognitive principle matrix “Attachment” relates to any influencing person connected to the child using the relationship principles of love, trust, respect, acceptance, commitment and empathy. However, these are never perfect and create dysfunctional behavior on a spectrum between minor and major. This normally causes detachment issues as the child moves through adolescence to adulthood. In adulthood the child with dysfunctional relationship principles will re-attach to a partner who has the same dysfunctional principle, but the opposite way of dealing with it. Examples are:
? Trust: One partner cannot trust the other partner, while the first partner cannot trust themselves.
? Respect: One partner is overly controlling and abusive, while the other partner is overly responsible and compliant.
? Acceptance: One partner is a perfectionist, whilst the other partner is carefree.
This is a natural evolutionary process to strengthen a couple. If the couple work together and accept each others opposites, then they will work through their dysfunctional issues. However, if the dysfunctional issues are not corrected with the partner, they can be corrected during a mid-life crises [35-45 years old]. If they are corrected then, the cycle can continue and the person can detach from their human nature, using the two spiritual principles of unconditional giving and unconditional acceptance [humility]. If they successfully pass through this cycle they can transcend their human nature and move into the spirit of love, peace and joy. As human beings we are in this constant struggle to overcome our unresolved issues and move forward.

Whilst there are many other factors which affect a person’s life other than their original attachment issues, a person’s response to those factors will be substantially based the original attachment. If a person was given high levels of unconditional love, trust, respect, acceptance, commitment and empathy during their initial attachment, then they have a very high chance of dealing with life’s challenges in a positive way. If not, life’s challenges could have a negative multiplier effect on their attachment dysfunctions.

If a person can build RBC around their weakened attachment principle, as described in this article, they can overcome their weakness through practice and using supporting spiritual principles, rather than resolving it though a partner.