Impostor Syndrome

I've been lucky to avoid Impostor Syndrome. That debilitating feeling of not being deserving or the fear of being found a fraud. And I've scarcely struggled with self-esteem, even though I've battled weight issues all my life. I was bullied and body shamed as a child and young adult.

Today, I tried to identify what gives me confidence. Why it never registers that I'm the only woman in the room or the only black person. Maybe my musings will be useful to young people navigating their careers or parents entrusted with raising children. I will also share some resources that may help, if you are plagued by esteem challenges.

My first source of confidence is self-awareness (and vulnerability). I'm quick to admit what I know and what I do not know. I don't fake it till I make it. The practice seems dishonest to me. My philosophy is, it's better to be shamed in front of a few people while asking questions, than to stumble ignorantly and then be ridiculed in front of the whole world. So, I admit what I don't know and ask for help.

I negotiate expectations all the time. This includes work requirements, deadlines, family requests and so on. I already know I am responsible. So when I push back, I expect people to understand that it's because it's necessary, or I have a better way of doing things. I fully assume trust and rarely stay in environments of distrust. They wear me out.

Self-awareness is why I readily do video calls without make up. It's because I know a normal human being won't have make up on, first thing in the morning or last thing at night. Nor would that person be overdressed. You would be amazed how many burdens you give up when you're self-aware.

However, I still struggle with negativity, anxiety, fear and pessimism. My melancholic side is naturally dark while my choleric side is often self-critical. But this book helped me - Learned Optimism by Martin E.P Seligman.

The second reason for my self-confidence is, my parents believed in my gifts and talents at a very young age. For instance, they supported my musical gifts and encouraged me to sing. They also attended key performances. Thus, I learnt it was okay to try things. I also knew I was talented because my parents said so.

Some self-esteem issues stem from a lack of external validation and support. A consistent barrage of denigration, disbelief and naysaying. If you are carrying baggage that is decimating your self-esteem, your career and relationships will be stunted. You may not go far. If this is you, then I recommend Emotions City's Emotional Intelligence Certified Specialist course. There are also more affordable resources at www.emotionscity.com/shop, including therapy.

As parents, the values you communicate to your child will either set them up for life or significantly limit them. What lessons are you imprinting? Are your kids learning about kindness & leadership? Are they exploring their gifts & talents? Are they forging personal relationships with God? Or, are they only learning about peer comparison, money, ambition and the sorrows of the world?

Conduct a poll amongst your literate kids. Ask them to tell you what positive and negative values they have picked from you. Inquire about what they wish you could do better. Confirm if you spend enough time with them and show up for them. You may be pleasantly or unpleasantly surprised at the results.

Another reason for my self-belief is knowledge. The things I know, I know well. I've studied, understood and mastered things. This gives me a certain kind of assurance. However, one must avoid the edge of arrogance. Use open-ended statements when you speak about what you know. Leave room for new insights and perspectives. You don't know it all.

I derive an incredible boost from my faith. I spend time with God everyday. I discuss my doubts & fears. In return, I receive comfort and wisdom. Knowing I'm not alone is essential to me.

Finally, I have a tribe of people who have my back. They believe in me and stand by me. Sometimes it's difficult to make friends. But, I'll share something that may assist you. Make it a habit to lead and to collaborate on things without seeking personal gain. I started leading early. I began a cooperative in my junior secondary school class. It's no wonder I lead a vibrant cooperative today.

But here is the lesson. I met some of the most beautiful souls I've known while leading. Leadership places you in the spotlight whether you want it or not. It plucks you from obscurity and attracts like minds to you. From there, you can determine those with shared values and those you would like to connect with on a substantial level.

As you navigate your way to confidence, I wish you all the best. May you finally let go of Impostor Syndrome and low self-esteem.