Imposter Syndrome at Work and Play

Imposter Syndrome (noun): the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.

I started my adult years in much the same way a lot of my peers did; not acting like an adult at all. Those were the wilderness years of a mould-encrusted (but very fun) share house, bowls upon bowls of packet mi goreng and way too much bottom shelf swill. I worked multiple retail and hospo jobs with no designs on career advancement in either field, and spent nearly all my spare time - and ALL my spare money - at gigs.

At some foggy point in my mid-twenties I realised a fair chunk of my peers were actually beginning to behave like adults, and I felt so very far-removed from them all. I looked around and saw uni graduates starting actual careers that they, you know, cared about. I saw people my own age – kids still, by my estimation – buying ACTUAL HOUSES and even having ACTUAL CHILDREN. Meanwhile, I’d eschewed the university route, could barely scrape together rent most weeks and refused to learn how to drive. I’d always believed – and still do! – that everyone should have the freedom to grow at their own pace, but this felt…different. It worried me, in a niggling, push-it-down sort of way, that in my quest to be the eternal Peta Pan I’d actually become the embodiment of a Hollywood trope: the woman-child. I knew I could do better.

Five-ish years on from this realisation, my life couldn’t look more different. I’ve now completed a PhD, I own two properties and personally drive my own limo to my high-powered CEO job every day.

…ha. In reality, while my life is different, it’s also very much a work in progress. My partner and I are actively working towards owning a house one day – which feels good in itself! I discovered what it is I want to do, and am at the beginning of what I hope is a long career path in that arena. And I finally got my drivers' licence, although that ended up being the most arduous hurdle of all (turns out it wasn’t actually laziness preventing me, but a deep-seated, unbridled terror of driving. Whoops!)

So where exactly does ‘Imposter Syndrome’ come in? It’s a common affliction for many of us, and it hounds me every day. Even though I know it was me that achieved these things – me that paid off all my debt, me that worked hard to get a foot in the door of a coveted profession, me that swallowed my fear (and a lot of Rescue Remedy) to get in the driver’s seat – I still don’t really believe it. The unmotivated, ne’er-do-well version of myself actually finds it funny. “YOU, driving to fancy pants meetings? Who are you kidding in that pencil skirt?” "YOU, looking at learning courses! That’s hilarious!” Maybe it’s just the Gemini in me talking, but me, myself and I are assuredly very different people.

Where to from here, then? As with anything: balance. If I fixated on all the ways that Young, Dumb Ellie held me back and slowed me down, I’d be a bitter person. But if I let Young, Dumb Ellie dictate how I go about my life now, I’d also still be stuck exactly where I was five years ago. So instead, I try to embrace all the experiences I had during my aimless youth, and then keep moving ahead. ‘Try’ is the operative word here; I can’t silence the voice that screams imposter, but I CAN quietly say “I disagree” and keep working to better myself.

That’s all any of us can do, really.