Imposter Syndrome in the Time of COVID19

Every day there are stories in the media of the brave frontline healthcare workers battling our viral foe, at risk to our own lives. Vendors have sent free food, and the military flew over our buildings. Every night New York City makes noise for its health providers. Yesterday I had a video conference with pediatric kidney doctors from across the country. My colleagues in the northeast are providing kidney care to adults now who have COVID19.

I feel completely unworthy of any adulation. I spent a good deal of my lockdown doing paperwork with an occasional Zoom meeting or telemedicine visit to interrupt the day. It helped that I was supposed to be traveling most of this period, so my schedule had been cleared. However, compared to our colleagues in the hotspots around the country, I feel like a fake brave doctor.

Oh, we planned for a surge, at least of critically ill adults. We have plans to take patients in their 20s into our Children's Hospital so we could keep the virus across the street in the adult tower. The overwhelming surge of adult patients has not yet materialized. Hurray for social distancing! We suffered no shortages of personal protective equipment (important for those, like me, who are considered higher risk). We also noted that we only were seeing about half the clinic patients we did at this time last year. In a couple of months, our reimbursement will drop accordingly. While we began discussing how we might weather this financial hit, so far we have not implemented any cuts. This is not true at many institutions.

I feel a bit undeserving of the praise given to healthcare workers. I see colleagues who have been more inconvenienced than myself.

Oklahoma has relaxed its social distancing policies, so a surge is still a possibility. I may be able to lose my imposter guilt over the coming months, although I hope not.

I will continue to accept donuts and cookies, though. Hey, I'm not crazy!