On Imposter Syndrome

On Imposter Syndrome

By Michael Hartman, LMHC CDBT

Imposter syndrome is a phenomenon that most people face as they join the professional workforce. My father, Bruce Hartman, expressed that he faced imposter syndrome at the beginning of his career as a teacher in NYC. Later in life, he retired fully tenured and a UFT union leader to boot. Good job Dad! I have faced this imposter syndrome twice in my career as a psychotherapist, firstly when starting out in graduate school. This ended probably 3-4 years later when I got into my groove and got my LMHC. I worked steadily at a community mental health clinic, a privilege not too many had during the COVID-19 pandemic. My second bout of this imposter syndrome is current. I have started my own private practice specializing in DBT; now I am both a therapist and businessman. I got my C-DBT about a year ago and have been studying/practicing the modality for 5 years even during grad school. Labeling oneself as a DBT practitioner and starting a business dedicated to this therapy is a whole different experience.

My personal battles with imposter syndrome are the pervasive thoughts that “I am not ready to this, and I am not meant to do this.” That meaning DBT, work independently, conduct business, and call myself a pro. This feeling that comes along with these ideas is old and familiar: anxiety. Anxiety is something I struggled with my whole life. My personal flavor of it often leads to dread, a pit feeling in the stomach, and a tight chest.

The hurdles of opening a private practice along the way are numerous. They are perfect fuel for anxiety to manifest and grow. Building my caseload has been a slow and expensive process. Supporting and treating clients seeking help for borderline personality diagnoses has been sobering. Building a consultation team for support has been such a blessing, and I thank G-d for these colleagues. Financial challenges, and paperwork too have been especially difficult challenges especially now that I’m married. One of the most critical moments I’ve had was checking my expectations: what I dream the practice to be, a thriving group practice vs. what it currently is: a one man show.?

All these lessons I’ve been trying to take in stride. I’ve also been trying to focus on the idea of “bitachon”, a Jewish principle of faith; the belief that everything, even the trials and tribulations are for the best. Every day I try to see that each problem I face is an important lesson in my professional growth. Despite my practice of believing and having faith, I am still hit with waves of anxiety followed and/or preceded by doubtful thoughts. I believe this to be an unavoidable struggle that must be radically accepted. I practice mindfulness daily, so I use my mindfulness skills. This usually stops me from getting swept way with the anxiety and keeping the thoughts in my mind very ego-dystonic. Prayer helps tremendously too.

I don’t think this accounting has a psychotherapist specific message but a much broader one. When you go for it and try to live your dreams, you will always face resistance. Much of this comes from fleshing out the realities of making your dreams come to life. I knew I wanted to be a DBT therapist with a successful private practice early on. I know I want to evolve my practice into a successful group DBT practice with private and affordable DBT treatment. A group practice serves many functions: lowered cost of treatment and the ability to help younger clinicians grow through employment and supervision. Ultimately, when I grow my family G-d willing, a group practice will ensure I won’t have to take on 50-60 client caseloads and will have colleagues to delegate work to.

I think at the end of the day what helps is to hold on to the dream. I hold tight even through the pushback reality brings. We must have faith as dreamers that all will work out for the best. We must believe that every challenge has a wisdom within waiting to be understood. It has been incredibly sobering for me to open my practice in a good way. I feel the challenges of slow growth, clients dropping out of treatment, and harsh financial implications. Trust me, I’ve gotten more gray hair over this process! Despite all the anxiety, I find myself incredibly grateful to do it all; it’s just worth it. Going after your dreams is very hard, but it rebuilds you into a better person.?If you can learn from all the tribulations, you will come out a leader.?In just a year of business l have learned to handle stress, delegate my time, work long hard hours, make hard decisions, and set healthy boundaries with clients despite loss of business. My hope is that I am setting a foundation for an ethical, compassionate, and effective treatment center that is not just out there for the money.

Whatever your field of work is, I hope that you can learn from my challenges.

Thank you for reading. If you can relate, please comment below.