IMPOSTER SYNDROME

In my teenage years, I often admired my sister's ability to navigate social situations with ease, especially when she would sneak out to parties, embodying a cool, carefree persona akin to Cassey Jones. While I yearned to join her, I understood that doing so would jeopardize her cover. After all, who would be there to discreetly open the back door for her return if we both indulged in sneaking out?

One instance during an alumni day at our primary school, I managed to convince my folks to leave me behind with my childhood friends. Youngins hurdled up to reminisce about their childhood memories. It was then that I discovered why my sister was adamant about not wanting me to accompany her to certain events: she had an accent, a noticeably fake one at that.

While I believe in people's freedom to express themselves however they choose, I couldn't help but feel that her accent was a departure from her true self. It felt forced, unnatural, and left me wondering who she truly was behind that facade.

When we were alone, I asked her why she was talking the way she was talking and in her normal voice, she said, “That’s how I talk to my friends.”

During a peaceful afternoon spent harvesting kienyeji vegetables with my older sister years later, I made a casual reference to her husband using his name. Little did I know, this innocent slip would unleash a torrent of anger and demands for respect. I was chastised for not addressing him as "Baba so and so," revealing yet another instance where conforming to societal norms clashed with authenticity and a sense of individuality.

In high school and my first two years of campus, I battled with an identity crisis that sent me into a beautiful journey of self-discovery. That is when I began to understand the complexities of authenticity and the impact of societal expectations on our sense of self. This journey illuminated the common yet often hidden struggle with imposter syndrome, where individuals doubt their abilities and fear being exposed as frauds despite evidence of their competence.

The journey led me to a place where I was alive to my flaws, my skills and my strengths. It took a while before I could use this knowledge to my advantage, but the first and most important step was being in the know. Case in point, I knew I had a hunch and strength in storytelling, I just did not know how to make it work for me or how to use it to influence change.

My experiences with my sister's accent and cultural norms highlighted the external pressures that can fuel imposter syndrome. These experiences, along with others, contributed to my realization that overcoming imposter syndrome requires a deep understanding of oneself and a commitment to authenticity.

The common causes of the imposter syndrome include:

1. Perfectionism: Setting excessively high standards for oneself and feeling like a failure if these standards are not met.
2. Attribution of Success: Dismissing personal achievements as luck or timing, rather than acknowledging one's own skills and efforts.
3. Comparisons: Constantly comparing oneself to others and feeling inferior as a result.
4. Cultural and Societal Expectations: Pressure to conform to certain standards or expectations set by society, family, or culture.
5. Past Experiences: Previous failures, criticism, or instances of feeling like an outsider can contribute to feelings of inadequacy.
6. Personality Traits: Certain personality traits, such as being highly self-critical or having a strong desire to please others, can contribute to imposter syndrome.
7. Work Environment: A competitive or high-pressure work environment can exacerbate feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt.

It is said that consciousness kicks in at the age of 7. After that, we forget how to become ourselves. Suddenly, we want to be just like Plain Jane from Grade 3 Green because of how she dresses or how she talks. Suddenly, we want to be removed from our skins because comparing and contrasting led us to believe that things would be different, maybe even better, only if…

To combat imposter syndrome, it's crucial to cultivate self-awareness and challenge negative self-perceptions. Seeking support from others and adopting a growth mindset can also help build resilience against these feelings of doubt and inadequacy.

Often times, we wait for life-changing events to prompt us to delve into our inner selves and ask profound questions like "Who am I?" It's during these significant transitions or catastrophic life events which leave us vulnerable, that we feel compelled to explore our identity and purpose. However, why not engage in this introspection during periods of stability and strength, when we are in a state of well-being, good health, or feeling loved? By proactively asking these questions during moments of security, we can deepen our understanding of ourselves and strengthen our sense of identity.

So, let's dial into the personal pronoun and embark on a journey of self-discovery that leads to a more fulfilling life.

VANITY JAMBOREE # 002: Prayer against Imposter Syndrome

Divine essence, guide me on this path, shield me from the shadows of doubt. Whisper to my soul that I am complete, cherished, and worthy. May my light outshine the veil of insecurity, as I walk with grace. With your guidance, I embrace my worth and believe in my abilities; in myself, I find peace. So be it.        

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