Imposter Syndrome, Confidence, Home...

I was honored to be recognized by Savoy Magazine as one of three hundred most influential Black executives in Corporate America; Summer 2022 edition. Humbling, indeed.

I spend time coaching others to build, grow, exercise and maintain confidence. Yet, when the magazine called to let me know I was one of the selected, I tried to talk them out of it; a LACK OF CONFIDENCE immediately rising to the surface.

“There is another colleague here that is higher ranking”, I said. “It’s not about rank”, the principal replied. “We did our research. You are the one we want”. “I am with City National Bank”, I said. “We are not Citibank if that’s what you thought.” To which he replied, “We know who you are and we know your company. You are the right one for this recognition. We did our homework.” But he still had to prove it. Recognitions and awards can be very much subjective; though it is still thrilling to get one. I question every award for which I am nominated; and sometimes decline the honor if not convinced I deserve it. Even then...

“IMPOSTER SYNDROME”. How often have you felt it? Questioned your own value and worth EVEN when it is being recognized; EVEN when you have worked for it; have the accomplishments to show for that work? I see it at work all the time; in myself and in others. The reinforcement comes through daily micro-aggressions that we must tamper down like Whack A Moles.

I flew to Washington DC for the Summit (of 300); an impressive group of people from across industries; across states; disciplines; ages; styles; backgrounds; companies. The room was brimming; dare I say EXPLODING with anticipation, power, INFLUENCE… the very reason we were there. I encountered no prima donnas; everyone was at the top of their own game; we were there for the same reason. We were deemed to be influential. CEOs, CFOs, COOs, board directors; managing directors; SVPS; EVPS; Administrators; General Counsels; Chief Growth Officers; Chief Compliance Officers; Directors of Finance; and the list went on. I have encountered these kind of people with these kind of titles on a daily through the decades; and still. But typically not THREE HUNDRED whom are Black like me; in the same space at the same time. ?

The more common experience in MY Corporate America, is to be the ONLY Black in a room full of these impressive titles. But, having adapted so many decades ago, that is no matter. I was also "the only" and first female hire for the Sacramento county waste water treatment plant while in college. An internship in a drug rehab facility led to being the only female probation officer on a male unit; 15-18 year-old offenders waiting to age out into prison. I was fierce. I relocated to L.A. two years later and with an economics degree; landed in a major bank's commercial real estate / construction lending; well prepared to deal with the almost homogenous power structure on all sides of the table.

I’ve always felt at home in those conference rooms which have begun changing slightly; as or recent. Comfortable, despite the stepchild role. Perhaps Emily St. John Mandel expressed my sentiment best- “It was gorgeous and claustrophobic. I loved it and I always wanted to escape.”

I’ve had a great ride in Corporate America; blessed. I have had better than good, bosses and managers; tutored and mentored by some of the best in the banking business; men and women whom happen to be White. Because of the favor, advocacy and sponsorship I have received from these individuals, I have climbed the ladder; I’ve spent decades operating at the C-Suite level, even though typically a layer removed. I’ve always felt obligated to pass it back; pass it on; pass it forward. Being “the only” on so many occasions; in so many conference rooms, gave me the opportunity, like many of you, to adapt in order to be successful; like a chameleon.

Despite my success, my adaptability, my comfort; there has always been a slight restlessness. Maya Angelou said, “The ache for home lives in all of us. The safe place where we can go as we are, and not be questioned.”

Where the hell is that? Who knows? I haven’t spent a whole lot of time pondering. To what end? I have spent my time learning how to maneuver; be adaptable; to “fit-in” while being innovative. I’ve developed all of the competencies necessary to swim with sharks like my Dad taught me; even though I resemble a seal.

Cross-cultural competency is a needed tool to function optimally in Corporate America. In order to deal with diversity of colleagues; diversity of clients; you need both confidence and competence. There is a distinct culture in the C-Suites of America; and that culture has been dominated by White males. I am adept at cross-cultural competency. I make it a point to understand other points of view based on diverse backgrounds and intersections. I have had decades of experience dealing with the Traditional Generation of the White male power structure. I have been fairly successful as a Black Boomer. “I long, as does every human being, to be at home wherever I find myself”. Maya Angelou

Yes, I feel at home in Corporate America; with White Traditional and Boomer males in control. They are my tribe. I have adapted; and will adapt to the White female power structure on the rise inside Corporate America. I have studied, researched and raised Millennials and all their layers. I am a marketer; a DEI expert and practitioner. I strive to be culturally competent.

So, it is difficult to describe the feeling I had when I walked into the Summit (of 300).

Perhaps I felt what White colleagues feel when they walk into the conference room, meeting space, seminar, or council populated by mostly their race. If nothing else, there is affinity in that regard. But then again, if that is all you are accustomed to, the elation may not be recognized for what it is. The privilege of being in a majority affinity group of any nature on a daily; is not always recognized. But for me, at that summit, I not only felt “at home”, more so than any other time in Corporate America; but I felt like I could take my shoes off; sit a while. Get comfortable. Relax. ?Soak it in. Learn something astounding about myself and my peers in that room. It was electrically energized, but calming at the same time.

I have always accepted the fact that comfort is not a formula for risk or growth; and that has bred in me a thirst to create, reinvent, innovate, build something new constantly. Otherwise, I can feel the dogs nipping at my heels. Run faster, do more. But at that moment, I wanted to truly relax into it; be comfortable in that comfort zone; one like no other. I had never known that feeling in Corporate America except on Annual Review day. That is a day I truly relax work mind; dig in and celebrate for a few days. I did wrote a line to express the sentiment of restlessness in a piece long ago:

Somewhere between skid row and corporate America is the life I dream of. Somewhere between pumps that squeeze my toes too tight, and bare swollen cracked feet that keep me from walking upright; is the life I dream of. ?(the KarenAClark project ~ 2010 ~ iTunes)

I sat in the freezing cold meeting room of the Summit (of 300) and thought, “This is the life I dream of”. Sitting in a space where I felt no judgement; only common admiration - I listened to the panelists throughout the day. Every panel was populated by Black women and men who could mostly relate to me and my daily experiences as a Black executive in Corporate American. They all sat on publicly traded boards. They gave advice and wisdom about corporate and personal responsibility of leaders; finance; balance sheets; taxes; ESG; hiring; promotions; relationships; perceptions; mentoring; and board experiences. Given the affinity of each of us to the others in the room; the panelists were uncensored; unfiltered; raw. It was refreshing; the kind of real talk we do not get to experience in large groups from such esteemed and experienced people who understood the struggle. I appreciated the knowledge on many levels.

For one thing, this is stuff I will never be able to get in My Corporate American hallways because none of these people are there. We are scattered and few in numbers; there is a lack of critical mass. Sure, there are tons of Black influencers outside Corporate America, but inside can be scarce. Secondly, the particular truth that came through loud and clear that day, was ~ the higher you climb as a Black executive, the greater the questions about your competency. You do not suddenly get to a place where you are truly home because you have reached your pinnacle of success in Corporate America. That bit of news was daunting, but frankly, not a surprise to anyone. In other words, what you experience and go through every day; never ends, even above the C-Suite; at the Board of Director level.

After the Summit (of 300), we cocktailed atop the Martin Luther King Library and I looked out over the city; reflecting on the day. I love Washington DC; always have. The city where the issue of slavery was “settled”; where during that time; a Black man was the highest enforcer of the law behind President Lincoln. I remembered who I am, a child of parents whom both served in the military. My father lives in the Armed Forces Retirement Home in DC. I have three uncles buried at National Cemetery Arlington. My mother is buried at National Cemetery in Bakersfield. Many of my cousins have served the country as soldiers, officers, and civilians; as did my elders; and many have received honors of distinction as did my elders. I am among the generation in my family that forged their way in Corporate America; not the first executive; and there are cousins much younger than me whom are reaching great heights of stature. We adapt and we perform in any and every environment. That has been our history as a family and as a people.

But my day at the Summit (of 300), reminded me once again, that our history as a people was interrupted; disrupted; redirected; and rewritten. Who can know what the trajectory would have been had we the opportunity to operate from our vantage point sans colonial control? I don’t know the answer; but the Summit (of 300) gave me a glimpse of the pride Queen Asantewa, Queen Amina or Queen Nandi must have felt, looking at the immense ability and potential of their respective tribes. I wondered, as I began to make those LinkedIn connections and strategize on "next steps" how to harness that representation? Because it is valuable.

I walk the halls of Corporate America; and I love my company. I have achieved many “firsts” at City National. I have a deep respect for my colleagues; the leadership team; my team. I sing praises all the time. It’s just that now, having been to the Summit (of 300), I understand what Hermann Hess meant in his writing - ?“One never reaches home, ‘she said. ‘But where paths that have an affinity for each other intersect, the whole world looks like home, for a time.” You hit the nail on the head Mr. Hess. ?