Dealing With Impossible and Irrational People On Your Projects

If you lead projects and people, you inevitably face difficult people. In fact, some of these people seem downright crazy.

I’m not necessarily talking about certifiably mentally ill though that may be the case in rare circumstances. The crazy I’m talking about is the person who acts irrationally. They explode in anger at seemingly nothing. They are overly emotional. They are convinced that others are out to get them. They have an incessant need to be right.

These sorts of crazy can make work and life a chore. A burden. They can suck the life and joy out of what we’re trying to accomplish. And some of us face them regularly.

How do you deal with the crazy that sits in the cubicle across from you or in the office down the hall? Dr. Mark Goulston shares ideas in his latest book entitled Talking to Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life.

To help arm you to deal with the challenging people in your world, here are some key lessons from the book.

Lean Into Their Crazy

The main premise of Talking to Crazy is that you cannot reason people out of their crazy. Mark suggests that we must “lean into it”. Too often when someone is acting irrational, our instinct is to convince them that it’s not that bad. Or that they don't see things clearly.

The truth is you are right. They don't see things clearly. But trying to convince them of that, especially when they are at the height of their irrationality, is fruitless. Actually, you’ll make it worse.

What you see as resistance to change is persistence to them. What you see as complete nonsense is, in their eyes, just further proof of your cluelessness.

I once had an executive coaching client who was convinced that she would get fired from her job. The more she obsessed on that fear, the more irrational she became. Further, this cycle of crazy led her to give every reason for her to lose her job. I can’t count the number of times I tried to help this person understand that her company was not out to get her. I vigorously explained how her flawed thinking was leading her down a path to the unemployment line. I tried to be rational in the face of her irrationality. And she was just convinced I didn’t understand (a view reinforced when she was eventually—and unnecessarily—fired).

That’s how crazy works. When you next have to face that person, try to remember that their irrationality is rational to them. Efforts to convince them otherwise will just make things worse.

So, what do you do?

Keep Your Poise

Leaning into crazy starts with letting the person vent. Instead of following your instincts to shed light on the situation, let them unload their irrational thoughts. Don’t take it personally.

Dr. Goulston suggests this is an opportunity…. An opportunity for poise. Of course, that’s easier to say than do, but here’s the wisdom behind that approach. Goulston states that “stripping you of your poise is among an irrational person’s best weapons, and refusing to surrender your poise is one of your best defenses.”

I had a friend who suggested that, sometimes, you need to meet power with force. If someone pushes you, you need to push back at least as hard. I’ve seen situations where that was called for. But if that’s been your approach in the past and it’s not making things better, do whatever it takes to keep your poise. As George Bernard Shaw observed, “I learned long ago, never wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.” Stay out of the mud by keeping your poise.

Stay Curious

I’m increasingly convinced that the source of much conflict is that people aren’t listening to each other. I’m not suggesting that all conflicts can be settled by heartfelt conversation, but an important skill when dealing with your crazy is to truly listen. Goulston suggests that you stay curious. After letting them vent, ask questions. Look them in the eye as they speak. Goulston even suggests focusing on their left eye. But regardless, stay curious as you listen to their rant.

Donny Ebenstein suggests in his book I Hear You you should listen so well that you can tell their story as well as they can. You don’t have to agree with their story, but you want to listen so intently that you could communicate their concern or frustration so effectively that they understand you’ve actually heard them.

Listening to truly understand is monumentally challenging in the face of crazy. And if the person is violent or goes over the line of respect, the best thing might be just to walk away. But assuming it’s safe, stay curious. What are they feeling, thinking, and doing? (Goulston calls this F-T-D Delivery). Listen so deeply that you better understand their perspective, even if you disagree with it.

What’s Next?

By now you’ve held back from trying to convince the person out of their irrationality. You’ve listened well enough to have a better understanding of where they’re coming from. You haven’t interrupted so the person might start to lose some of their intensity. Where do you go from here? 

It depends.

You’ll need to get Talking to Crazy for the full arsenal of options, but here are a few for your consideration:

• The Belly Roll. Goulston suggests that “sometimes you win the battle by surrendering.” If you are in the wrong, admit it and ask, “What do you want me to do?” Or maybe you are not in the wrong, but you just don’t know what move to make. Goulston suggests something like, “If I say or do something, it will make things worse. If I don’t say or do something, it will make things worse. Given that I have very little confidence in what to do now, I need you to tell me what you need me to say or do to make the situation better for you. What would it take to make this right?” Depending on the situation, the best approach to dealing with the crazy might be by humbly going low.
• Picture Your Mentors. Goulston suggests that our response could be informed by visualizing how our mentors might respond. Bill Hybels, host of the Global Leadership Summit, suggests that, when faced with a challenging problem, ask yourself “What would a great leader do?” How would a great leader respond to the crazy you’re facing? How would the best boss you ever worked for respond?
• Anticipate the Crazy. Goulston observes “Irrational people will predictably escalate if you disagree with them, say no to them, tell them they’re wrong, or ask them to do something they don’t want to do.” We may think they’re so unpredictable, but in fact, you can sometimes anticipate the crazy. In Peter Bregman’s book Four Seconds, he asks us to watch for when we say, “I can’t believe they did it again!” His point: stop being surprised they did it again! Of course they did! That’s what they do! By anticipating the crazy, you may be able to avoid or mitigate it in the future.

 There’s no simple formula for dealing with the irrational and impossible people in your life. But there are ways to improve the odds that the crazy people in your world don’t take you down with them. To learn more about Dr. Mark Goulston and his book Talking To Crazy: How to Deal with the Irrational and Impossible People in Your Life, I invite you to watch this recent interview with him.

What are your tips and tricks for dealing with crazy? I invite you to share them as comments below. Thanks!

For a related article, see Dealing With Stakeholders Who Are Throwing Daggers.

Andy Kaufman, PMP is the host of The People and Projects Podcast, available at https://PeopleAndProjectsPodcast.com and all podcast apps.