An important lesson I learnt this week about how to deal with negative feedback.
When people give you feedback, how do you take on-board what you should and shake-off what you shouldn't, so it doesn't affect your confidence?
I am not always good at accepting feedback from people. I can become quite defensive and, in the process, lose out on the opportunity to learn and grow. This happens more often when I don't believe the person giving me the feedback has my interests at heart.
This week, one of my colleagues, who I have a deep respect for, gave me some feedback that I found quite painful. He did not get personal but just pointed out the facts to me as he saw them.
I immediately started defending myself, and in all fairness to me, there were extenuating circumstances. And then I stopped and asked him for time to process what he had told me and promised to get back to him. (Sometimes buying time to cool down is step #1)
Me / Not me
I remembered a simple process I learnt while researching for a leadership programme, called: Me / Not Me.
- Me is everything we are responsible for - our thoughts, feelings, words, and behaviour.
- Not Me is everybody else’s stuff - it is someone else’s perception filtered through their mental maps.
I asked myself these two questions:
1. What do I need to take onboard?
Upon reflection, there were things I should have done differently and looking at things from his perspective, there were areas where his concerns were justified.
I took out a piece of paper and wrote down what I had learnt from the situation and how I was going to make the necessary changes.
I put this into an e-mail and provided a clear way forward, which immediately defused the situation. I am glad I did it.
2. What do I shake off because it is not true?
I then analysed what was not me. There were certain things he mentioned that were influenced by his view of the world (what NLP calls a mental map). This did not make him right, and so I chose not to allow these comments to become my reality.
Why is shaking off the Not Me's so important.
For years I struggled to write because one person told me I was not nearly as good as I thought I was and "oversold" my contribution. I started developing a limiting belief that I was fraud. It took me a long time to break through this.
The Me–Not Me boundary provides you with a great tool to analyse other people’s words, actions and responses towards you as they happen, so you can choose not to let them become your reality.
Remember, what the other person says or does, is only their perception of the situation. It does not need to become your truth and impact on your confidence.
I learnt three important lessons this week:
- When confronted with feedback, if possible, buy some time so you can process.
- Take onboard what is helpful to you.
- Shake off what isn't.
I hope this simple process can help you as much as it has helped me.
The Mindset Whisperer | Helping Coaches, Executives & Speakers Conquer the Fear of Writing to Build Their Legacy | Book Coach | Author | Speaker on Storytelling & Leadership Engagement
1 年?? Excellent post. ?? It took me a long time to learn how to take feedback. Sometimes trauma or past failures can keep us stuck in defensiveness. I found the most effective answer has always been “Thank you for the feedback.” Then I ask myself, is it true? What is the lesson? Sometimes the feedback helps me to immediately rectify the situation and other times I can only implement it later. I am also mindful of an old saying that translated means “The mouth overflows with what the heart is full of.” If the person has a critical spirit, their words will naturally be critical, then you have to dig a little deeper to find the learning. ? Thank you for sharing your insights. ??
Development Catalyst | Driving success through innovative and effective learning and development
1 年Thanks for the reminder of the time-out Tim. When others say and do things to us, our thoughts and emotions often – and often too quickly become entangled in a web of self-deception and misguided information, which often cause us to make irrational decisions and take regrettable actions. Although defensiveness is a natural biological process, none of these knee-jerk reactions are conducive to learning much from the situation or building relationships. So when we make the time and effort to refocus on the positives and put things in proper context - ME - Not Me – we might not find ourselves caught up in a web of our own making. Well done.
Sales Trainer & Mentor at The Sales Institute South Africa with 3 short courses available on Coursera
1 年"Not Me is everybody else’s stuff -?it is someone else’s perception filtered through their mental maps." Develop a thicker skin and be open to self- reflection based on honest feedback - Love this!
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1 年Fabulous and helpful article Tim, well done. Simple, practical and clear. Thank you!