The Importance of Safer Spaces
Sunrise at a Security Checkpoint in the South Sinai Governorate of Egypt

The Importance of Safer Spaces

I was recently interviewed by a Director of Engineering at a tech company. He asked me what I was looking for in my next role. Among the list of things I responded with I included that I want to be in a company that prioritized inclusion, equity, and belonging. The company is still small and is just now trying to hire its first engineering managers. Due to the company’s size I expected they weren’t ready to have Employee Resource Groups (ERGs). I asked what plans there were for ERGs and related slack groups.


He said that some Slack groups had been created. The engineering team is mostly male, which is typical for tech companies. He mentioned that at his prior workplace there had been ERGs and he had been an advocate, participant, sponsor, and male ally for the Women’s ERG. In describing some challenges I’ve seen women’s ERGs face I mentioned that it can be difficult for women to be open and honest in a women’s group that includes male allies. He said he would be uncomfortable having a women’s group where he couldn’t take part, which I believe is the reason the company stopped pursuing me as a candidate. I mentioned that at Dutchie some ERGs like the LGBTQIA+ ERG had both events and channels that were ally inclusive and ally excluded. I’ve found that ally inclusive spaces are often meant to raise awareness while ally excluded spaces are where we process our traumas, both types of spaces are valuable.?


Some companies, like Bose, refused for years to allow the creation of ERGs. Most leaders are white straight cisgender men who have had the privilege of living in a world that is safe for them. It is hard to understand the importance of a safe space if for you the whole world is a safe space.


If you want to be a good ally you need to be a good listener. It’s okay to talk about the issues of those with whom you are an ally, but ideally, you are quoting them or giving them a microphone. Allyship is about acknowledging our privilege and using that privilege to amplify the voices of those without our privilege. For a detailed example of performative allyship please read the chapter titled Larry from my memoir A Trans Feminist’s Past.


I know I personally make lots of mistakes when trying to be an ally. I apologize to those who I’ve hurt when I become aware of those mistakes. It’s on me to try to learn how not to make those mistakes.


While I have some intersectionality as a transgender woman and mother, I also have a TON of privilege. I’m white, I am just above the threshold to qualify as upper class, I have work-life balance, I can trace some of my ancestors all the way back to the Mayflower, I grew up in a middle-class home, I’m the product of multi-generational wealth, and, to my knowledge, I’m neurotypical. Please read this with the understanding that I don’t know what it’s like to live in the US as anything different. While I know what it’s like to live with male privilege and, to an extent, without it, I will never be able to fully understand how hard it is to live without most of my other privileges. You cannot blindly apply my life to people who have less privilege. For example, you would be making a serious error if you said that if Marilyn Cazares had made choices more like mine that she would still be alive, wouldn’t have been homeless, wouldn’t have become a drug addict, wouldn’t have become a sex worker, and wouldn’t have been murdered. Frankly, if I was a Latina who came out as young as she did with so little support, I doubt I’d have made it to 21. American society favors people with privileges like the ones I have.


The equity and inclusion issues I tried to help with before my transition I didn’t fully understand. I could sympathize but not empathize. Now, I can empathize. Now, I know what it’s like to be cat-called. Now, I know what it’s like to be judged by your looks before anything else. Now, I know what it feels like to find a male presence physically intimidating. Now, I know what it’s like to be the only woman in a room of male technologists. Now, I know what it’s like to be discriminated against in a job interview. Now, I know what it’s like to be ridiculed by a stranger in a pharmacy for being pregnant in the summer (which was deeply ironic as I’m incapable of being pregnant).?


I employed many women prior to my transition. I tried to talk to them about their challenges as women. They generally underplayed them and said everything was fine. Now, after my transition, I have women who tell me what they struggle with. Now, I’m in a real position to help because they’ve been able to open up to me and I know how things should be.


Please believe me when I say you cannot understand the other unless you become the other. Listen to people who are different from you with the knowledge that their experience is different from your experience, and it is valid.?


I was working at Affectiva when I transitioned. I had been disappointed by the gender disparity in engineering when I joined and led initiatives to improve diversity. When the company adopted Slack for instant communication I helped our Chief Marketing Officer create a women’s exclusive channel. As I was still male presenting at work, I wasn’t a member of the channel. When I hired women I’d ask an existing member of the channel to add our new hire as I didn’t have access. As much as I wanted to be part of that community, I knew my membership would undermine the channel.


After I had transitioned I was working in a company that had an opportunity to get a presentation about financial advice meant for women. The organization who gave the presentation was dedicated to financially empowering women. Up until recently women had very few rights in the US relating to money. Women weren’t allowed to apply for credit cards until 1974! Women have thus been neglected when it comes to being involved in finance. Originally the presentation was only going to be for women but then a man heard about it and said financial advice is useful to men too. He used his male privilege to get access to a space that hadn’t been intended for him. He and a few other men attended. The organizers had to make last minute adaptations. I almost decided not to attend. Some of the Q&A session was consumed by questions from men. There may have been women that felt uncomfortable asking questions due to the male presence.?


Some allies have the best intentions. Some allyship is performative and actually used for the ally to get promoted. Some allyship serves as a fifth column to undermine people with less privilege. I believe that the interviewer I talked to fell into the first of these categories. When trying to make a safer space it's critical to be firm about who can be a part of it. If you're an ally and you feel excluded, that feeling is valid and sucks, but weakening a safe space is far worse and the people impacted by that destruction have less privilege than you do. Being uncomfortable is part of a leader's job. Being uncomfortable is far easier than feeling you have no safe space to discuss your lived experience.?


For more advice and ideas please message me on LinkedIn. This article is a sneak peak of a leadership book I’m working on. I also host the Practical Leadership Cast, a podcast about leadership issues.

Yomaris G.

Senior Application Analyst at Montefiore Information Technology

1 年

This is a great read and you present a few very valid points with regards to the general vulnerability dynamics in these group settings. Hope others can learn from this and reflect on how they can provide more safe spaces as the general goal is to be open about things for the better good. We truly can not be open minded and change things in regards to any topic without true transparency and that may include doing things a bit differently to allow those involved to be comfortable and vulnerable enough to speak about things. Thanks for sharing.

John Hosmer

HR Business Partner at YouScience

1 年

The idea of ally-included/ excluded spaces is so great and not something I've heard talked about before! Sometimes I've not known exactly how to be the best ally I can be and it has felt like there are some spaces that would be better for me to not participate in for the exact reasons you lay out in the post. Really insightful and helpful!

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