The Importance of Pronouns at Work

PRONOUNS ARE IMPORTANT. Other than one's name, pronouns are the way people identify us and refer to us. They are a part of our lives each day: any time we are in public, getting groceries, at a restaurant, in school or work, on transportation, or any other situation with others - or any situation where others may be talking about us when we are not there.

I was recently contacted by a friend who is in a leadership position at his company and just hired someone who identifies as non-binary and uses "they/them" pronouns. He asked me for some resources and advice to prepare himself and his team for the arrival of their new teammate - a great ally move and surely a sign of a great leader.

Pronouns are the easiest way to acknowledge someone's identity. Using a person's personal pronoun is a form of respect and validation. It makes us feel seen and embraced. It is a small but super impactful way to create a safer environment for anyone.

Today, it is very rare that someone misgenders me, but as a trans man, that was not always my experience. For my entire life until transition, people used both "he" and "she" pronouns to refer to me. I was assigned female at birth and my family used she/her pronouns with me, but at a very young age I was androgynous, and everyone from other kids in the neighborhood to parents, coaches, and teachers would refer to me as "he" at times or question my gender and my pronouns. As a kid, I didn't understand identity, but I knew it felt good to be called "he," and at the same time, my parents would get wildly upset when it happened in public. In high school, pronouns were weaponized against me and used as a way to make fun of my expression, even though I did not at that time identify as transgender or have an understanding of what that meant.

As I came to understand my identity as a trans man, it became more and more important to me that people referred to me in a way that validated and acknowledged who I am. I use he/him pronouns, and that's how you should refer to me.

Using the wrong pronoun, whether intentional or not, can cause harm to a person - it certainly felt like harm to me. It is a failure to acknowledge how a person sees themselves positioned in this world. It is essentially erasing a person's personal identity and placing your own assumption on that person.

One reason this happens is that we often associate expression with identity. But non-binary and trans folks exist and deserve respect regardless of their presentation in general or on any given day. Clothing and accessories do not make the person (or the pronouns). There's not just one way to express yourself, and there's not a singular dress code to be a man, a woman, a non-binary person, a transgender person, or a human. The truth is, you do not know how a person wants to be referred to unless you hear them say it themselves.

Being misgendered can be painful - when it would happen to me, I would wonder, "what am I doing wrong?" I would question what I was doing wrong to make people not see me the way I saw myself. This wasn't anything I was doing wrong, in reality, but it caused me great distress. I found that being misgendered by strangers can be hurtful each time, but acted as a microaggression when it was unintentional. For me, each time alone was annoying but the accumulation of those mistakes over the course of a day was devastating. It was exhausting to manage.

However, being misgendered by family, friends, and coworkers was much more painful because it felt as though they were denying who I am. They are the people whose opinions mattered most to me, so when they got it wrong - accidentally or intentionally - it hurt much more. Particularly at work, where we spend so much of our time and have the added stress of it being a source of income and livelihood, being misgendered felt especially impactful in a negative way.

I felt embarrassed when I had to correct people when they misgendered me. I was grateful to my allies who helped make these corrections, but even more grateful to the people who modeled sharing their pronouns to open up space for me to share mine - it made it so that I didn't always have to be the one to advocate for myself.

A NOTE ON TALKING ABOUT PRONOUNS

One thing to note for well-intended D&I professionals and allies: "Preferred" pronouns are not a thing. My pronouns are non-negotiable; they are not a preference, they are a part of who I am, an extension of my name and identity and sense of self. They are not optional. They are not something "I would prefer you use but am okay if you don't use." A better way to refer to pronouns is "personal pronouns" or simply the pronouns you use.

HOW TO USE PRONOUNS IN THE WORKPLACE

In both one on one and group meeting situations, sharing your own pronouns can encourage other people to share their pronouns and help them feel more comfortable to share their pronouns with you.

In groups that have not shared pronouns before, a bit of context is nice to let others understand why you are sharing pronouns with names at introductions. It helps people think about how they label others, and it lets them think about how they would like to be addressed. Context can be something like, "For those who haven’t done this before, this is a way that we can avoid assumptions, particularly about gender." You can explain that what may seem obvious may actually be incorrect and that you are asking people to identify which pronouns they want to be referred to by because these are a part of the English language in how we typically refer to people. Interestingly enough, many adults get pronouns wrong, so left to their own they may say, "Mr." or "Miss," or "I'm a man" or "I go by anything." Gently explaining that pronoun is the part of speech and how people refer to you when talking about you can help sort this out. You can explain that most people go by "she" and "her" or "he" and "him" pronouns, but some people go by "they" and "them" pronouns or another set of pronouns or another way of being referred to.

It's fine to leave the door open for people who are unfamiliar with this. Some people may not understand or feel that they are uncomfortable sharing or unable to participate in a respectful way; for those folks, it's okay to just share a name. But if you leave space for people to feel comfortable to share what pronouns they use, it can create a more inclusive environment.

It is pretty simple to make this a part of your culture in a workplace, school environment, or club or organization, and to do it whether or not you think or know you have trans or non-binary people in the room.

LEADING THE WAY

It is helpful to have people in leadership positions model this behavior. Other ways to do this is to wear a pronoun pin or put your pronouns in your email signature. These are small ways to let others know you are an ally and open to creating a more comfortable environment for people around you.

It should not be the responsibility of trans and non-binary people to request that pronouns be stated at introductions or put on name tags at events and conferences. Make it a part of your culture! It's an easy addition to a name tag or anytime you introduce your name.

A FINAL NOTE ABOUT PRONOUNS

Keep in mind that when a person shares a pronoun with you, it's what they want you to use in this space and time. People may change their names or pronouns or go by different ones in another space in their life, so be open to this change if someone informs you that their personal pronoun has changed.

Pronouns are important. The language we use is important. And the language we DON'T use is also important. Language shapes spaces - using the correct personal pronouns and making an environment where people can be acknowledged can transform your workplace, school, or group.

What have you done in your office or work space to make pronoun use a part of the culture?