The Importance of Loved Ones of Addicts Being United

These are the types of questions I receive regularly and I wanted to share my responses in my Ask Candace Q&A Column. Watch for more Ask Candace coming soon!

Sheila asked: ?My husband and I have very different approaches to helping our son with his alcoholism, and it’s causing arguments and problems in our relationship. How do we come together and agree on a plan?

My response: Hi Sheila, I see this happen so many times. We rarely see a family come to us where everybody is in agreement. We usually see families where one parent is enabling an adult child—meaning that they’re giving them money, doing things for them, driving them places because the child had a DUI and they don’t have a car anymore—they are essentially condoning bad behaviour in those kinds of ways. The other parent disagrees and tells their enabling spouse that they shouldn’t do that. There’s conflict between these parents. When that happens, the addict has a lot of wiggle room to manipulate the parents. When mom and dad or other family members are not in unison about how to deal with this, then the addict will continue to be enabled by somebody in the family.

What we know for sure is that an enabled addict does not recover—because why should they? If there’s somebody that’s going to do everything for them, then why should they be doing the things for themselves that they need to be doing? At Love With Boundaries, we help the parents, and other loved ones, understand that if you want the addict you love to recover—and of course they do—then they need to change some things about what they’re doing FIRST. Most addicts will not come to you and say, “Please, set some healthy boundaries for me, mom, dad, bro, sister.” They’re not going to do that because they’re terrified that they will have to give up their addiction.

We have an overdose crisis that is not letting up and people are really scared. Families must start to come together, learn how to set boundaries and how to be united. You may not always agree, but you can be respectful, and you can be working on solutions—and we help you with that at Love With Boundaries.

By doing that piece of work, the chances are so much better that your addict will sit up and take notice and think, I’m not able to get away with this behaviour anymore. This is becoming really hard for me. Maybe I need to make a change. Families need to be united so there isn’t space in between for an addict to manipulate. If we allow addicts to manipulate us, we’re doomed and they’re doomed. It’s not loving toward the addict and it’s not self-respectful toward ourselves when we choose to allow that to happen. Again, it takes work, but you’ll see the results.

Once again, it comes down to “choice”. As a family, you’re making that choice to set those necessary boundaries. Or you’re choosing not to.

Change really is possible, and it’s astounding how quickly that can happen. If you have decided you want positive change in your family,?reach out to us at Love With Boundaries. We have helped thousands of families over the past 30 years—and we can help yours, too.

All my best,

Candace

Are you interested in learning more about addiction counselling for family members?

Please reach out to us for a FREE 30-minute consultation with one of our staff. We have been successfully working with families and other loved ones who are in this position for over 30 years and we know how to help you. You don’t have to do this alone anymore. We know how to help you!

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About Candace & Love with Boundaries

Candace Plattor, M.A., R.C.C. is a professional speaker, TEDx speaker, Addictions Therapist in private practice, and a sought-after leader in the field of addiction. Candace is also the author of the award-winning book Loving an Addict, Loving Yourself: The Top 10 Survival Tips for Loving Someone with an Addiction. In her unique and signature Family Addictions Therapy Program, she specializes in working with families and other loved ones of people who are struggling with addiction. The results Candace achieves have been astounding: addicts stop using and families regain their lives from the ravages of addiction.

About Love With Boundaries

Love With Boundaries offers counselling to help families and the addicts they love come out of the pain and devastation of addiction—forever. Our therapists counsel families about how to love with clear and respectful boundaries, and they provide insights and techniques to help families stop enabling the addicts they love so that they can all make the choice to recover from addiction.